Me, Myself and Our Birthday

Me, Myself and Our Birthday

They say (not sure who “they “are) that when you turn thirty “life” happens. Apparently, I was supposed to get this boost of confidence and all my insecurities will be out the door. I was told by many of the “they sayers” that thirty is suppose to be refreshing. I figured since my friend Tish and I took the time on Saturday to take down my braids as a form of releasing my past by Monday (my birthday) I would feel all these great emotions. Instead I was pissed, just mad. Let it be known I am a person that needs instinct gratification, I am not one with patience and all my friends know this, so the only thing I wanted for my birthday was this life changing experience and a boost of confidence. It was like I woke and my past was laughing, with a big smile saying : Good Morning…you silly silly girl look at all this shit you’ve done and these big dreams of yours…hahaha FAIL! FAIL! FAIL! You know that the last boyfriend you had was in high school, sahme shame shame, not even married or close to it. You’re old! What are you going to do now (hahahah)! I wanted to cry but Big Girls Don’t Cry. I just rolled out of bed hoping to look in the mirror loving my new natural look, but instead I looked in the mirror and thought to myself WTF... I hate my hair. I liked it on Saturday and hating it on Monday. Then I took a shower and realized I am such a drama queen. I’m not dead I’m alive. There are over 300 people some I know, others I don’t know wishing me the best on facebook. Realizing I was committing mental suicide, I decided to have a little talk with myself. So I said self and myself said with a black girl attitude, What? I said I know we have failed at a lot of stuff and we're not feeling this new hair right now, but it’s just hair, and this time last year we were homeless, walking and riding the bus. Now we are homeless and have a 1995 Pontiac that has a little oil leak but drives better than our feet can walk (lol). Can’t beat having one out of the two (smile) myself got quite and started feeling bad for feeling bad. So I told myself, STOP! Now I don’t think there is any reason to waste present time on our sad past. Myself and I agreed to do our best to have a damn good dirty thirty (lol)

I celebrated my thirtieth birthday very simple. I didn’t throw a huge over the top party nor did I encounter birthday coloring with a masculine painter. All I did was watch the Jets get jammed by the Rams and the Chiefs take charge over the Chargers. I have a feeling that this is going to be a very interesting football season. (Side Note: the second penalty on Braylon Edwards was absolutely crap!) It was great! just me, some fried wings and $3 wells. Sunday my friends Daylon and Ami took me out for Sunday brunch. All and all it was a pretty good birthday…no complaints. The best gifts I got for my birthday were simple words from friends that confirmed that I’m worth more than I give myself credit for and that my hair looks fine ( rolling my eyes). Many people only have a few people that believe in them I have more than a few. As crazy as I am and of all the stupid mistakes I have made I’ve still got enough love from my mom and sister, family, and friends that can last forever.

To my friend that is turning thirty and hasn’t felt that sense of refreshing new beginning…relax I haven’t either. Just like you, I am pissed it didn’t show up on my birthday…however while we wait for our lives to change into maturity you have friend (me) that loves you even if it never happens.
Til Next Time
Simply Lola

Simply The Truth Is....

The Truth IsThere are several reasons why people lie. One reason is because the truth hurts so we wont have to feel the pain of honestly we lie. We lie to get what we want, we lie to avoid having to do what has been asked of us. I once lied to sing. Yep I told a very large amount of people that I was dying and that it would be a dream for me to sing at their event before I kicked the can. In my defense I had emailed these people several times but was unable to get a response , so I figured death would do the trick…and well it didn’t (hey it was my last hope). I even lied to a guy because I didn’t want to color with him. I told him that I was a virgin and I was waiting for Jesus to send me my husband. I wanted to get rid of the guy. I know you’re asking why I didn’t just tell him the truth. Well why don’t any of us tell the truth?

As a single singer there are two questions that I absolutely hate. The first one is: So why are you single? In my twenties very insecure about my singleness I would lie and say: Oh well you know I don’t want a serious relationship, I’m just not ready for that, or well I am really working on me becoming one with the Lord (to God be the glory). I can’t take it anymore, the truth is I have no earthy idea why I am single, I don’t know why the hell I am alone. If I knew then maybe just maybe I wouldn’t be single. Now that is the honest to God truth. The second question I hate being asked: So Lola when is your next show, have you tried singing at this location or that location. I know people mean well and are just trying to support me and I’m appreciative of that. I don’t want to seem like an ungrateful bitch so I respond with: Well you know right now I am singing at a lot of private events, and weddings. Here’s the truth, I don’t know when my next show will be just know I am busting my butt. As much as I want my phone to be ringing off the hook for gig after gig after gig it’s not. No one is blowing me up much asking me to perform. It’s so bad right now I feel like the homeless man on the corner holding up a sign saying “Will Work For Food” but only mine reads “Will Work To Sing”(deep sigh…tragic just tragic). Thankfully there at least twenty people that show up every Sunday at 7:30am service that I can sing to.

Here is the truth about me: I hate the Titan, and I hate that I hate him but I do I absolutely hate him. I don’t want to be single anymore. Nor do I want to be the self righteous independent black woman that Neyo wrote a song about ( he’s such a liar). I am a woman, a woman that wants to be taken care of, loved and adored. Let’s face it we (women) all want to be taken care of, we just can’t say it because then we’ll appear to be gold digging whores (lol).Despite what a man says they want to be the care taker, in as much, both of these statements are true, however no one wants to be taken advantage of. I honestly just want to sing, make great music, and perform. This is want I want my life to be consumed with: a lot of coloring with a fine ass man that loves and adores me, and singing…lots and lots of singing, song writing, and performing, dropping one album after another and, having number one hits one after the other. Lastly, the truth is no I do not think God wants something else for me, nor do I think that all that I have now is all I will ever get. Therefore I’ve stopped with justifiable answers to make me feel better. This telling the truth is making me feel great.

When I think about the truth I realize that it really doesn’t hurt it actually feels so good. No more lying. The only thing that has been hurting me are the lies, the lies I’ve told myself to save face is various situations. The truth, well it feels damn good.
To my friend reading this, the only advice I have for you is please stop lying to yourself. Want what you want and know where you are in life …and f the rest. I promise when you’re honest with yourself you’ll feel so much better.

Till Next Time
Simply Lola

Simply Lola : My Apology/A Vote Of Confidence

I would like to start my blog off with a public apology to Washington Wizards SF Josh Howard. A DC sport reporter quoted me as the unreliable source, yet humorous regarding my point of view about a party I attended. Unfortunately Mr. Howard or any of his homeboys found my statements funny. So anyway I’m sorry, who knew, people actually read my stuff (Shocker!).Josh Howard is a very nice man and I thank him for allowing me to sing at his event

As many of you know in college I interned with DTP (Disturbing Da Peace). One day at the office I was talking with JC Luda’s long time friend/DJ asking him what he had going on for the night. He said he was meeting a friend at the strip club “Strokers”. He asked had I ever been to a strip club and if I would like to go. I’d never been to a strip club and was very curious as to why T-Pain was so in love with them, so I agreed to tag along. We get to the club and my first thought was: OMG, um ah acccccuried. As I sat at the table with JC and his friend I begin to admire the dancers confidence (no homo) I mean they were so sure of themselves and appeared so secure in their performance, it just blew my mind.(damn, if I could only sing with that kind of assurance) I was about 23 at the time not looking a day older than a shy school girl at the tender age of 12 wondering, how do they do this, I mean I can’t hardly look at myself naked when I’m getting out of the shower let alone in public. These girls are perfectly comfortable with absolutely nothing on. There was a guy sitting at the next table over getting a lap dance, when the dancer was finished with fulfilling his fantasy she sat next to me bare ass and all, with her legs gapped opened huffing and buff. She took a drink of water (I think it was water) and with frustration she said: (niggas is always bullshitin). My eyes got wide, shock by her statement; I sat up straight in my chair with my eyes glued to the bar I didn’t want to appear judgmental. I’m not sure why but the pissed off stripper started a conversation with me. We didn’t talk about much due to the fact I couldn’t get over the fact that she was so comfortable sitting next to me with absolutely nothing on. Before I left with JC I told her that I admired the fact that she was comfortable and confident with herself, she smiled and rolled her eyes with her fist against her thigh saying, shit I aint got time to worry about what niggas say when I got fow (four) babies to feed. Her words spoke volumes and til this day I use them as my birth control (lol).

This past week I was in a writing session with Eric Duwain who is by the way a great writer /vocal arranger. I got this idea for a Hip-Hop song that if packed together properly will be the start of something really great for me and everyone working with me. We wrote the song in a matter of two days. The track has been created and now all I have do is just sing the song (sing the song Anna Mae, sing like you wrote it…lol) Here’s the problem I have never ever sang Hip-Hop. Hip-Hop songs don’t require very much or any singing what so ever. All a hip hop songs require a hot track and a hell of a lot of confidence. As Eric was arranging the song I felt I was in a war zone with my thoughts. It was as if every embarrassing failure kept playing one after another in my head. Like my first day of middle school I had to pee so bad I accidently walked in the boy’s bathroom and this boy runs out and starts yelling down the hall this fat girl was in the boys bath room( there goes my date to the Valentines dance). Or the time I got so drunk after seeing the Titan at a party that I threw up all along side Daylon’s car (it wasn’t one of my favorite grown and sexy moments). Oh and I can’t forget the first time I had ever spent the night over a guys house I was so scared that I got gas and before I even get my naked butt out the bed and to the bathroom a loud roar came from my stomach and out my ass, thankfully the guy snored very loud and the smell passed very quickly. With all of these thoughts going on in my head I just wanted to run out the studio and just forget it. I just couldn’t bear the thought of making a complete and utter fool of myself any more. As much as I wanted to run, I couldn’t just get up and go.

At the end of the session on my way home I drove in silence and prayed. I told God that I really needed his help in completing this song. I thought about the stripper from Strokers and how her children were her vote of confidence. Being that I don’t have any children I need something to make me feel like I can do this song and do it well. As I searched myself to find my “something” I found myself thinking about my niece. My niece is only five and thinks I am the greatest singer alive, I mean she thinks I am better than Beyonce. Every time I pick her up from school she always says, Auntie can you play your songs I love to hear you sing. So that’s it I have to do this song because my niece is going to want here me sing.

To my friend that needs a vote of confidence please know that the mind plays one heel of a game with past thougts. The past may be something unforgetable, and if you're like me thinking the world is laughing at you ...well at least you got thir attention so show them what you got.

Til Next Time
Simply Lola

simply-lolaknowing-what-i-want

Simply Lola: Dying Too Live

There is this new series on Showtime called “The Big C”. It’s about a woman that goes in for her annual checkup only to leave her doctor’s office with news that she has breast cancer. She takes her tragic news and decides not to undergo any treatments or surgeries and builds a pool in her front yard to teach her rebelling teenage son the banana split. I have to say this is the best show I have seen since the premier of Grey’s Anatomy and the cancelation of “The Game”. Well anyway, her doctor can only guaranty her one year to live, so she takes the summer to help the black actress from the movie “Precious” (which by the way her name isn’t really Precious its Gabourey Sidibe) lose weight by giving her a hundred dollars for every pound she loses, kicks her husband out, makes friends the angry old lady across her street who doesn’t cut her lawn, and burns the coach she’s always hated in her back yard. Cleary this is a white woman because I if a black woman gets wind that she is dying she’d go straight to church lay at the altar and beg God to heal her from her disease only so she can go back to living life laying at the altar thanking God for saving her life. I’m a black woman and I love being black but why is it that we (meaning black woman) don’t actually live life but just pray and complain about life (We’ve got to do better)

Each year has twelve months; each month has at least thirty days with the exception of February. In a few weeks I will be turning thirty and for the most part of my life I have worried about my life. I have had anxiety attacks about what is going to happen to me, and when will life start for me. As I reflect on my dramatic scenes of “Lord Oh Why Me Lord…Where art thy Lord…Come Save Me Holy One blah, blah ,blah blah, blah I realize I’ve wasted 348 months and 10585 days on wondering if I will ever live my life( the math maybe a little off)lol.Worrying about the next time I will color or become all I've dreamed is so trivial and its time to live...yes my friend do my very best to just live my life.Now I am and will always be a black woman, so building a pool in my front yard wouldn’t be on my “To Do List” but what I would do is:

1. Never take no for an answer
2. Forgive myself for all the mistakes I’ve ever made
3. Stop biting my nails
4. Finish the book Eat, Pray, Love ( I promised my Crystal I’d read it before I saw it at the movie)
5. Stop worrying how this damn blog I started will end
6. Speak my mind, and never apologize for it
7. Have confidence in everything I do, never concerned about what others think of me
8. Lastly, I would do whatever it takes to do whatever I want to do, no matter what it is.

I’ve always wanted to be in love with someone that is in love with me, and have red roses delivered to me just because he’d do anything to see my beautiful smile. I’ve wanted to record dozen of albums , win numerous awards, act in movies with actors like Meryl Streep and Jamie Fox ( I know weird combination) and have a little girl (Lalah Rashawn) twin boys (Jackson and Jeremiah). I realize that life is short and I can’t worry about my wish list of love, romance, and bright light fairy tale fantasies. I can only be thankful for the time I have on this earth and make the most of each day I have. So my advice to all who is reading: Stop Dying Too Live, and Start Living Before You Die

Til Next Time Simply Lola

Fathoming Faith

Fathoming Faith

In the book “Think & Grow Rich” Napoleon Hill states: Faith is the “eternal elixir” which gives life, power, and action to the impulse of thought. My move back to Dallas I had faith that “Weekes Entertainment” would honor their commitment in investing in my music career, and it was a complete failure. The only big investment they made as avoiding my calls and never following though with commitments that were made to complete my project. It was complete hell, I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why I had so much faith in them and they had absolutely none in me (the biggest coward move ever). There I was doing a song and a dance and there they where not even noticing. …tragic just tragic. After a dream I had about the Titan I had faith in knowing the he was the “one”. I did several songs and dances, a few ending up in coloring activities but nothing solid. I believed that the harder I danced and sang the faster he would move his damn feet and make me his woman. Oh I was the woman alright the woman that he never had faith in.

As I am writing I’ve noticed a pattern in my acts of faith, all my actions of faith have been in others and not myself. I do believe that faith is all I need, but more importantly its where I place my faith. I’ve believed that the Titan was the “one” I believed that he would love me, and with his love I would be able to love myself. I believed that “Weekes Entertainment would really work and invest in me, and with their investment I would know I was good enough to be the star I’ve always wanted to be. It’s now that I know that faith only works at its best when its an action driven by me. I can only control me, I am the master of my fate. I have spent some much time wondering why faith wasn’t working for me when the answer is simple. I had faith, but not faith in me.

One of my favorite movies is “Ali”. Will Smith plays Muhammad Ail a man convinced, no matter what he was the worlds greatest boxer. He had faith in himself that he was greatest before he won his first fight, he had faith he was the greatest when they stripped him of his title and wouldn’t allow him to box, he was still the greatest even when he lost a fight. It was as if he was a man that had no room for doubt. Today, Ali is still the greatest, even without being in a boxing ring. He’s the greatest because although faith and fear may have occupied one thought, his action was always a faithful movement.

So here is the thing about faith, it’s a confident emotion that never changes. It’s always knowing that you are the greatest at whatever it is you do. The good thing about knowing that you are the greatest at what you do is knowing that there is only one of you. Faith, yes it works but it only works in you.

Til Next Time
Simply Lola

Simply Lola: Becoming Popular

As an intern at Def Jam/Disturbing Da Peace I did many different gofer jobs. Like making lunch runs for the office, getting fries from Philly Connection for Ludacris, answering the phones and listen to every unsigned rapper in the world rap on the phone and ask me if their shit was hot, in my most sarcastic tone I would respond by saying, yeah sure your shit is hot , good luck and just hang up. I sometimes had to play security when unfamiliar groupies would lie and say Luda or a label executive was expecting their arrival. Frustrated with my crappie workload, I wore the many hats with one goal in mind and that was to become a signed artist on the popular label. I figure it couldn’t be that hard because Black Berry Malaises Boy (Bobby Valentino’s nick name at CAU) got a deal and he was the least popular of the girls on campus. Many at CAU however, loved me; I was involved in school activities and was always singing at an event on campus. So when there was a need for a female artist I was confident that I would be considered. I remember the day as if it were yesterday I walked in the small office building directly towards Chaka Zulu (Ludacris manager) office and knocked on the door. I was nervous but I knew this had to be my big break, a chance of a lifetime. His assistant told me to come in. I took a deep breath, and walked in the crowded office. On the couch was the big boss of Ebony Sun Management Jeff, an up and coming rapper named “titty boy” worse name ever, and some A&R guy. Still very nervous I stood at the door and in a shy voice said, I heard that label was looking for a female artist to sign and I would like to be considered. Not really moved by my presence or my words I walked over to Chaka stereo system and asked if I could play them what I had recorded. It was a senior in college and I had only recorded one song titled “Tonight”. The song played for about 30 seconds and I was asked to pause the song. Chaka said I had a nice voice, pleased by his response I smiled as a way of saying thank you. Jeff unmoved by my attempt and waved me off and said they’d get back to me. A few days went by and I asked Portia (an executive for the label) if there were any word on them signing a female singer. She said yeah, they just signed a girl by the name of Sherfa. I could feel my heart drop into my stomach and my tears making its way down my face. Portia close the door to her office gave me a hug and said (Lola, don’t cry you have a great voice, but its not what’s popular right know) she continued to say the music game is tough and you never know one day the music game just may change and my sound might have a voice .

The word that stuck with me from that day forth was “popular”. I figured in ordered for my dreams to come true I had to make my sound popular. Therefore, I spent many years trying to do just that. I stopped being passionate about music and singing and started to become obsessed with being a popular singer. I made every attempt to sound like Brandy, Beyonce, Monica, and who ever else was “popular” at the time. It became so much of an obsession that even in my dating life I would do my best to transform into what the “popular” woman looked like. I even cut my hair short so that I would resemble Halle Berry, I mean she was listed as the most beautiful woman in the world. I found myself doing whatever it took to look like and be like the “popular” single singer, so much as to become bulimic. It was not until a few weeks ago while recording a song I wrote that I realized my obsession with being “popular” was ruining my life.

I was listening to the final cut of what I recorded my vocal arranger Eric, said it sounded good but he needed me to be more expressive in my delivery. Unsure of what he meant I asked him to explain. He told me that he wanted to hear how I (Lola) feels about what I am singing about, and even went on to say since I wrote the song I should tell the story.

The next morning as I was washing my face, I thought about what Eric said to me. I looked in the mirror and realized I was exhausted with forcing myself to look and sing like the “popular people”. I opened my bathroom cabinet got out my diet pills and flushed them down the toilet. I got dressed and made the decision that I just wanted to be myself. I no longer had a burning desire to be “Popular”, but I developed that burning desire to just be the best Lola I can be.

The revelation for my life came to me overnight, but the change for my life will take its course one day at time. To my friend who is reading my words there is only one you, do not sell this world short.

Til Next Time
Lola