Finding My Way To Love

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

In The Middle of Moving Forward

I’m back in Atlanta and I have no clue what to do next. And what I mean by “ I have no clue what to do next” is my schedule date to move to New York has been pushed back yet again. My friend that I  am making the drive with is on dialysis for his kidneys was informed that the center that he would be receiving treatment from doesn’t have a bed for him just yet and the place that I will be living isn't all the way ready. This move to New York has become more frustrating than fun. It’s like one thing after another which is making me question if this is something I should do. I kind of feel like I’m so accustom to doing things the HARD way that anything EASY is something I don’t trust (which could be a major problem in my thought process). I feel like I’m right in the middle of moving forward which is putting me at a stand still. Being in the middle of moving forward I stop to look both ways. I look at what lies ahead and then I look back at what is familiar and safe. As I look in both directions I question what to do. Do I move forward (New York) unsure of what will happen or do I go back (Dallas) to where it’s safe.
Before I left home a few weeks ago, my dad came in my bedroom and gave me a hug so tight th at it said everything without words,I could feel his thoughts. His hug said, Tisa I don’t want you to go, I don’t understand why you have to go but either way I love you, and believe in you, and I support you. Before he released me from his arms he whispered a prayer. He thanked God for me and asked him to protect me and make all my dreams come true ( You hear that  God, thou shall make me a Super Star Recording Artist  and Detroit Lions WR Calvin Johnson my baby daddy but i'll settle for my boyfriend, lol).   Just writing this brings tears to my eyes. To make light of our sappy farewell I told my dad not to worry I will be just fine I know how to scream stranger danger. He didn’t laugh so I guess it was a bad joke. My mom carried me to my sister’s school because she would be taking to the airport. And on the way to my sister's my sweet, sweet mother gave me an ear of do’s and don’ts. Do this and don’t do that, make sure I buy two good church dress (um, not sure what that has to do with anything), and don’t sell my soul to the devil (yes mom I'll do my best). In as much as I was annoyed by her sermon of “Lola Natisa Wilson thou shall do and not do”, I listened because I knew everything she was saying to me was coming from a place of love. My sister has so much going on she just dropped me off and said she loved me....short, sweet, and simple.
On my plane ride I thought about how I am the queen of set backs and delays.Everytime I feel like I am making great strides it never fails I am somehow hit with a huge set back. Having to experience setback after setbback and delay after delay I often wonder why I haven't thrown up my hands and said FUCK IT!!! I QUIT. The crazy thing about true passion andstrong desires is that no matter what I can never seem to walk away. It's like if I were to walk away from what I really want for myself I'd be walking away from who I am. I feel like I am in the middle of moving forward but at least I am moving forward and not backward. 
I remember what I heard Kirk Franklin once say... A delayed prayer isn't a denined prayer ( not sure if that was his exact words, close enough) . As I wait for things that are out of my control come together. I'll go back to Dallas for a few weeks and get my ducks in a row and continue to move forward. In all that is going on I feel like my faith is being tested and this time I will pass this test with confidence.
If you're standing in the middle of moving forward know that everything, I mean everything will work out. Please don't worry about what will happen, when it will happen or even how it will happen.  Just know it will happen. Believe it, Know it, and Own it

Til Next Time
Simply Lola

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

Emotional Rollercoaster

It’s been a long time coming. I haven’t written in weeks and my reason for that is because of the lack of time in a day, a little bit of writers block but mostly because I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster. It’s been one thing after another with my move to New York. At first I was extremely excited with moving to New York, and then my future job told me they have over budgeted for my position and that I may not be needed for it at all. Clearly that took me from an extreme high to an ultimate low. To receive the news of being fired before ever even getting started was just tragic. Although it wasn’t confirmed I knew I had to figure out a plan B…what was I going to do?!?! I had given my notice to both of my jobs and my position had been filled. I wasn’t sure if I should stay in Atlanta and just try to make the best out of my disappointing situation or just go home. I even thought about all the people I told and how I would be judge as the girl that just can’t seem to get her shit together. Hence my exhausting emotional rollercoaster ride.

The day I received the news that my dreams of living in the Big Apple maybe postponed was also my last day working my retail job at Lenox Mall. My co-workers and I had created a very strong and tight bond. We always support and encourage each other in whatever it is that we’re doing. It was the day I would be saying goodbye to very close friends and the weight of not knowing where I would be a very heavy load I'd carry on my heart. Tears were streaming down my face because of heart breaking news from my future job and for the fact that I would no longer be working with people who were now my friends. My manager and good Maggie painted me the beautiful portrait that said “life is good” clearly that just made me even more emotion. The day was filled with flooding tears. When we closed the store for the night we figure we’d feed my unstable emotions with long island ice teas and shots, shots of any and everything I could through back (lol). The drinking was a good distraction from all that I was encountering at once, but when the bar did last call I was quickly reminded of my confusion and the urgency for me to make a wise decision (Oh dear God, what was I going to do).

When I got home I sat in my car, closed my eyes and took a deep breath. As soon as I opened my eyes I got a text from the Titan. My thoughts were I really can’t take anymore disappointments and what could he possibly want. Still under the influence of way too much alcohol I couldn’t figure out how to text him back, so I called. He answered and before he could even say hello I just started crying like an out of control woman saying “I think I was just fired from a job that I hadn’t even started”. Shockingly he stayed on the phone and just let cry. The crazy thing is I never had been this vulnerable with him. Until that night I would have never ever considered him to be a person that I could lean on. OMG!!! he’s not the jackass that broke my heart and colored me crazy, he’s actually a F.R.I.E.N.D…he’s a friend or was one that night, Now wait! Just because the Titan is my friend (which is very weird to say) doesn’t mean anything, Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions still has my heart. He is still the man for me, lol... now back to what I was saying. I had no idea what I was going to do. Of course the Titan suggested Dallas would be my best beat. I wasn’t against coming back home but the Big Apple has been a dream of mine since college. Ironically through my tears and confusion I never once uttered the words “why me” or “where are you God” I simply said to him that there are two things I wanted more than anything for myself this year, well three and that is God’s will, unshakeable faith and complete confidence in who I am and what I do and if I have to endure situations like this one to get what I want I'm okay with it. I even said that no where I am I know that I am a fucking  (lets just blame that statement of truth on the alcohol). Clearly he was taken back by my words but continued to listen in silence. I cried and talked about just me and what I was going through for almost 2 hours and when we hung up I said my prayers. I told God that it doesn’t matter where I am I know that I’ll be better than okay.And I jumped off my crazy emotional rollercoaster ride.

The  next morning I finally got a grip on my thoughts and wrote down what I wanted to do and what would make sense for me to do. There is no question that I am not a person that plays it safe. I live by my college motto “find a way or make a way”. In this case I am going to have to find a way and make way at the same damn time. So therefore my decision is clear to me…I am moving to New York. I have a place to stay and I’ve been sending out my resume so I’ll get a job sooner or later (praying for sooner rather than later, lol). I didn’t come this far too quit and I’m confident that not only will I be okay but I will be very successful in the Big Apple. I don’t have all the answers to a hundred questions that I am so sure many of my friends and family may have for me. All I know is I have one life to live and I want to make sure I have few regrets as possible.

Emotional rollercoasters put us in a position to breakdown and build up. It’s within the breakdown I learn how to build myself up. I can see me finally becoming the person I have always wanted to me, confident with unshakable faith. Alex and Eric my “team from Atlanta” have gotten transfers from their jobs and will be in New York in June. When they get there I’ll be ready to continue our journey of me being a Great Success.

Til Next Time
Simply Lola