Monday, February 28, 2011
It's been a whole month sense I've talked or called the Titan. I'm proud of myself for resisting the temptation of yielding to the desire of imaginative coloring. At the same time, I'm a little sad that its over. I can't lie and say I don't think about him because I do all the time (he's inspired so many songs I've written). I wish I could some how in some type of way right my wrongs with him and start all over. It's not easy letting go but its necessary if I am going to make myself available for true, passionate love. When I find myself thinking of him I quickly start to fantasize over Shaun Phillips asking me to have dinner with him at the sexist restaurant in New York ...lol (its all about transferring my energy...don't judge me). I know with my not contacting him and he not contacting me it's a big step forward. Plus the distance is an even bigger help ( in secret, he was one of my reasons for moving). I know there will come a day when he wont be who I miss, or ever want to kiss any more. I know that day will come someday, one day soon(pause....deep sigh). This is going to sound so crazy but what I miss most is what I never had with him. Like us being very close, or trusting each other. I miss him loving me, and us both wanting the same thing (only to be with each other). These are all the of things I miss and yet never experienced them with him. I still talk about him often but not as much as I use to and that is great news. I'm letting go, one day at a time
Closing the chapter of the Titan is hard but in the end will be worth it. As I stop fighting the war of love with my warrior, I hold on to the lessons I learned while in battle. Like:
1) The game of football ( I am so addicted to the pig skin, now my father wont watch Monday night football with me anymore...lol)
2) That after eating, drinking coffee helps to digest food ( although I wouldn't advise anyone to do this on a date, what you smell like after dinner on the first date can be a disaster)
3) Sleep/ rest is needed when workingout( yeah, still got to figure out how to go to sleep, but now at least I know its good for me...lol)
4) Two people driving one car at the same time going up the ramp of 75north is so much fun and very sexy...but OMG...it's Dangerous! (my mothers prayers are activated in these type of ungodly situations)
5)Preparation makes for a great performance
6) To trust myself, when others doubt my talent
7) Focus! Focus, Focus, Focus
With my lessons learned I know I'm not only a great woman, but an even better performer. Life lessons are most valuable for personal growth. I must say it feels really good not to hate him anymore. I no longer wish for him to burn in hell or become a national embarrassment. I do wish him the best but not ready to hear about him loving someone else (I'm not there yet). I'd like to still believe that at night when he closes his eyes my voice is what he longs to hear, and that its me he wants in his arms but can't have(hey a girl can dream...lol). Like I said one day at a time, I'm taking it one day at a time.
To my friend that is in the process of letting go. Its hard but not impossible. There will come a time where you have to just bite the bullet, rip the damn bandage off the wound and let the air hit it. Sometimes you'll even stand in the mirror looking at the pain, remembering the hurt. You'll hate them for what they did to you, but one day you'll stop playing the victim and thank them for the lessons you could have only learned from them. When that day comes you'll notice you're broken heart healing, giving you the freedom to love again.
Till Next Time
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The 2011 NFL Draft is coming up soon and as a Dallas Cowboy fan I am crossing my fingers, saying my “Hail Mary's” and attending church every Sunday laying at the alter praying that the Dear Lord have a little mercy on America's Team. Being that the Dallas Cowboys are ninth in the draft pick I am concerned that we wont get what we need, like a good cornerback backup, and few hungry defensive players. I know I'm just a fan that barely can afford noise bleed seats at the new Cowboy Stadium, but never the less there are miracles and blessings for me (more like for the Dallas Cowboys), and it doesn't hurt to make a request.
Terrance Newman and Mick Jenkins are good corner backs. As a matter of fact Terrance Newman had a pretty decent year. Their game performances however, reminded me of the guy a girl dates that's is sweet, nice, loving,loyal, and looks good on paper. He's the guy that gets away with simple four play, but rarely seems to perform boldly while coloring. Every now and again a woman needs deep strong stokes from her painters paint brush (if you know what I mean). At some point and time Newman and Jenkins should make the crowd jump and scream because of they're bold performance on the field and not silent cries from the lack of performance. I really like Newman and Jenkins ( Newman more than Jenkins of course, he's a cutie). I have faith that they will make a bold statement on the field in this up and coming season (if there is a season to come, this is :/) , but just in case they trick off the off season doing absolutely nothing the Cowboys should draft a starving college cornerback (I'm just sayin).
Defense is so important when it comes to playing football. The saying hasn't changed “Offense sell tickets, and Defense win championships. The Dallas Cowboys offense got enough cuties (minus Tony Romo...no comment) that run and pass the ball so fast it make a fat girl join weight watchers, losing enough weight with hopes of one day hooking up with Mile Austin, but the defense makes me wonder. I hate to say this but Keith Brooking is old. I mean he's got heart but at some point he's got to let it go. He's like the confident old man that still goes to the club in the polyester suit, using pickup lines that didn't work back in the day and doing old school dances like the hustle (tragic just tragic). He is playing like the electric slide is the dance to do in 2011, and its not, not unless you're at an African American wedding,and even then it can be a bit much. All I have to say is...Defense!, Defense!,Defense!
I know I am just a simple singer with high demands but at the end of the day its going to take more than a few good players added to the roster to make a great team. It takes more than physical strength and talent to become champions of the world. More than anything, the Dallas Cowboys have got to draft power, passion and purpose. America's team needs a sense of powerful drive and passionate spirit of oneness within their individual hearts and minds in order fulfill their purpose and land back at the top. Despite what number we are in the draft, the number one draft pick has got to be a LOVE. Love for the for oneself, love for their teammates, and love for the game.
Til Next Time
Monday, February 21, 2011
The Indiana Colts won the 2007 Super Bowl. This super bowl marked a day in Black History. Tony Dungy was the first Black Head coach to ever win a Superbowl, but before history was made the New England Patriots would be the team the Colts would have to beat. Before the game against the Patriots, two time pro bowler Jeff Saturday felt in his heart to make a profound speech “quoting from a favorite movie of his. What stuck with the team out of the entire speech was when Jeff Saturday, told his teammates “It Is Our Time”. They were confident and ready to play. With the first and second quarter not looking promising, the words from the Colts center quickly started to diminish in the thoughts of his teammates. Half time the Colts regrouped and their coach “Tony Dungy” stayed consistent in knowing that it was defiantly their time. The team manage to stay in the game making it a very close game. The game was so close, that future Hall of Famer Payton Manning who had never said a pray before a game, sat on the sidelines and begged God for them to win. The score was 38-34 Indiana Colts (I think, but not sure).
In today's society instant gratification is a way of life. We can cook a five course meal in under three minutes, lose twenty pounds in four days, clear up a yeast infection in one day, give ourselves an organism in one minute, all while writing our thesis statement for the master program that we enrolled in online, promising us that we'll graduate in less than a month. Long story short we can have all we want when we want it.
I've been in Atlanta for about 5 months. My expectation for moving back to Atlanta for the third time was for my dreams to come true within the first month. I thought I'd be recording more songs, and would have met “one” man that I would say 'I do” to next year by now. The only thing that has happen within the time I've been here is well nothing, nothing to my standards that is. I've only recorded once, I sing at a lounge “Kats Cafe” on Thursday nights and that's about it. I've been on one date and lets just say it was tragically disappointing. The guy I went out with was a Kappa Man, and that's all I know about him because that's all he talked about (K A Psi til the day he die). At 32 I would think this Kappa Man would have accomplished more than just being a damn nupe. In the state of nothing happening and with me doing the best I can with what I got. I found my faith diminishing like the 2006- 2007 Colts. Frustrated by my unsuccessful months in Atlanta I found myself on my knees in the bath room like the woman from the movie Eat, Pray, Love crying and sobbing asking God why isn't anything happening (where, is my insistant gratification ...lol). I my thoughts were I should every thing I want now... it's been two months!!!! I didn't cry long because the baby I look after woke up. So I wiped my eyes and as I rock the baby back to sleep in the peace and quite of the night, I heard a peaceful voice say “It's My Time”. I laid down after putting the baby back to bed and slept feeling like my prayers were answer. I woke the next morning and decided that “This Is My Time” despite of my first two months looked, this year will be the year for all that I want to be given to me.
In life some of the biggest wins are not instant. The microwave affect just doesn't happen for everything. There are times where getting all we want takes time. I'm sure the Colts believed it was their time while walking on the field preparing to bet the Patriots, but it wasn't an instant win. Our lives are similar to that play off game. Each new year many of us decide this is our year to lose weight, gain confidence, and face our fears. We look up and a month or two has gone by and we're still not at our perfect weight , or gained enough confidence, and still are afraid. If you're like me you've worked hard and made sacrifices but still nothing. Instead of throwing up your hands and saying I tried maybe next year, decide no matter what this year is your year...this is our Time!!!
Til Next Time
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Last night I was bored and decided to go a party at the popular Atlanta night club called Halo. I went alone wearing a silver dress that hugged every inch on my body. I looked like the black Kim Kardashin (minus the botox). Unaware that the club was rented out for a private party I did some name dropping, flashed a smile and I got in. Feeling confident and very sexy I walked over to the bar and a nice gentleman (all of 2 feet tall) offered to buy me a drink. I accepted his offer and we talked football for ruffly 30 minutes, until the rest of his friends arrived. I'm still not sure exactly who's private party it was but after being there for an hour or so I was getting bored, but oh did that change.
In the midst of my lonely boredom I was approached by the one and only, new and improve black version of the Pillsbury dough boy. His opening line was “ah shawty, what that is you dranking”. My response, “ a lemon drop martini”. He says “why you aint just get you a apple martini?”...Um gee I don't know, maybe because I wanted a lemon drop martini( Dear GOD why didn't I leave when i had the chance) Attempting to engage in more conversation,he asked me if I had a man, and of course I lied. Not only did I lie, but I lied with confidence and said YES!. But even my lie didn't stop him from talking to me. Out of nowhere he says “look red, I don't mean no disrespect but I'm out here trying to find the woman of my dreams, and when I saw you, shiiiiiiiiiit I just knew I was sleep walking.”OMG, WTF!?!?I quickly choked on my martini, laughing so hard in his face, spitting it out all over my skin tight silver dress, and said “Sir its been a pleasure” and walk away. While walking out the door this fool runs over and ask for my number. At this point I am over the whole night and say to “NO!”. I was so disappointed about how my night was going I decided to stop at Krystal's get a double cheese burger with fires and hang out with an old fling to cheer me up. On my way home I called my friend Monica and told her all about my night. As a good friend sympathized with me and reminded of the vision boards we made for the New Year. Motivating Monica noticed I wasn't listening and insist I deny myself of bad food,flirting with an old fling and adviced me to just go home. I argued with her about "just going home". I was pissed and needed food and four play to releave me of my dreadful night. Refusing to hang up, I surrendered to just going home. Just before we ended our talk, she say to me “if its really that serious, I hear masturbation is a great way to relax (Great, just what I needed more time with just me...lol).
I get home (still annoyed) and hop in the shower. As I feel the hot water run down my body I close my eyes attempting to get myself in the “mood”, and start to visualize Shaun Phillips in the shower with me, whispering in my hear how beautiful I am, while obsessed with how soft my skin feels, and kissing my neck. Unfortunately my imaginary four play with the San Diego, Chargers Defensive Lineman was distracted by the images of me eating a big juicy Krystal's double cheese burger and fries ( damn, I should have called Angela). Long story short I went bed even more hungry, even more annoyed. Thank You, Monica!!!.
Alcoholics have sponsors to help resist the temptations of the bottle. Over Eaters have sponsors to help them resist the temptations of pizza, pasta, and any other carbohydrates. Me, I have Monica, a sponsor that has reminded me, if I ever listen to her again, I will become an alcoholic and an over eater (lol). The only good thing about taking advice from my pretty friend, whose got men lined up by the truck load, was that I woke up, took all my frustration to the gym and had a good workout. However, I left the gym even more hungry but to tired to hump anyhing(lol).
To my friend that has a Monica in their life remember don't listen to her advise (lol). After a disappointing night, go get food, head over your late night flings house for some fun (you deal with the consequences later). But if you do take your Monica's advice, wake up the next morning, bust your ass at the gym. When you leave you'll feel great, hungry, but to tired to hump anything.
Til Next Time
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
For Valentines Day this year I bought myself Michael Oher's book “I Beat The Odds”.I read the whole book in just two days. Working as a nanny and pursuing my music career I must say that reading a book in just two days is pretty impressive (lol). Shockingly,the book was very different from the movie “The Blind Side”. I can't believe the director of the movie depicted Michael Oher as a slow learner and an unattractive male. From the book cover and his interview on The View Mr. Oher is a cutie (truth be told if there wasn't a five year difference in our age, I would definitely be a lady of strong interest, don't judge me...lol). As for him being a slow learner, OMG, this brotha made the deans list twice at Ole Mis (shoooot the only list I made in college was the prayer list at my Dad's church, and as a result, prayer works..lol). Needless to say the movie left out a whole lot of information about how he became who we know him to be today (a very good offensive lineman for the Baltimore Ravens). Its a good thing they didn't tell the whole story because if they had a we'd all still be sitting at the movie theater today (lol). His life story left me feeling like I had barely scratched the surface of my own life. I felt like now would be a good time to start living. In as much as it was a great read I could tell that book was definitely written from his point of view but not in his words.
One complaint that I have with the book is that I really didn't like how the book was designed as a “how to help kids in the hood' book and not indepth with personal emotion that would really allow one to see his struggles as well as his success in a more passionate way. One thing is for sure that to be so young he's accomplished a lot, and he did all he set out to do, growing up never hearing the words “I Love You” (deep sigh...tear) .
Valentines Day seemed to be on steroids yesterday. Men sent long stem roses to their wives and mistresses. Women prepared to reveal Victoria's Secrets to their husbands as well as to the barely legal yard boy who does more than just mow the lawn. Many of us single women stayed in the ladies room at work, dropped to our knees next to the toilet and cried out “DEAR GOD!!!, WHEN WILL SOMEBODY LOVE ME!?!?!. Those of us who weren't crying in the restroom just made negative comments about the married women who receive flowers from their husbands. Like, you know he only got her flowers because he fucked up last week (what shame(lol), but true). To top all of this naughty behavior off, the words “I Love You” was being used all because its Valentines Day. Its amazing how “I Love You” makes so much money on February 14th. With all the money that these words were making, but are rarely ever expressed or said on any other day makes me wonder just how important is “I Love You”.
I think about Michael Oher's and how at the tender age of seven he decided that he would get out the hood by becoming an athlete. Never hearing the words “I love you” from any of his family he found a way to love himself enough to follow through on his early childhood decision. It was as if he made up his mind that if no one was going to love him, he'd better start loving himself. From the looks of his great success it appears he's loved himself a whole lot (lol).This Valentines Day I didn't hear “I LOVE You” and decided that if no one else is going to love me, I better get to loving myself. I got up worked out at the gym, made myself a nice dinner, had a glass of wine, and took a long warm bath. I laid down and felt good about my day and made a commitment to love myself enough to never take another day for granted. Telling myself “I Love You” makes living worth all the wow.
Its important to hear I love you, but its more important to hear it from yourself than anyone else. To my friend that has puffy eyes from crying yesterday because he didn't say “I Love You” it ok. It would have been nice to hear if from your painter of choice while coloring, but it means so much more if you just say it to yourself.
Til Next Time