Finding My Way To Love

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Holding My Confidence Hostage

When the question is asked to a man “What makes a woman sexy?” a variety of answers are thrown into the atmosphere. Some suggest sexy is a natural beauty wearing very little too no makeup. An old man on the bus once told me his old lady got the pretties damn hairy legs he had ever seen (lol). There are men that love women with long curly hair while other men find a bold short hair cut stands undeniably sexy. It’s obvious that the preference for a man varies but there is one thing that all men love more than anything and that is the way a woman wears her confidence.

For the past week or so I have been doing a lot of day dreaming about this guy I’ve only met a few times. I found myself day dreaming so much I asked my friend Tish if it were normal to be so involved with my imagination. She told me that it was perfectly normal and that three years prior to her meeting her fiancĂ© she would lie in her bed envisioning him, from how he looked to how he dressed, she would even think about different fights that they would have. I was relieved that I wasn’t the only person who had a secret obsession with someone who I barely knew and didn’t need to be committed to the physic ward (lol). Later in the week we had dinner just to catch up and she insisted I tell her all about my dream lover, so I did. I talked with excitement about how he loves me and how everything moves fast but the timing is right. I told her how he thinks I’m funny, loves me for me and he is very secure in our relationship. Tish was listening like a good friend should, encouraging me that he will come just as I have envisioned him. I agreed with a smile but the truth is that in as much as I feel the love of this man I have briefly met a few times, I’m just not confident that I will be what he wants ( I know, I’ve just contradicted my day dream). For some reason as soon as I am out of my fantasy I start thinking of all the reasons why I just may not be good enough for him. It’s mostly thoughts of past mistakes and things I can’t change, yet I still beat myself up about them. It’s as if I’m hold what’s most beautiful about me hostage.

Rejection is part of life but no matter how many times I have been rejected it has never gotten easier. It’s never been something I could get use too. It seems as though with every dismissal, I hold on to the devastation. I somehow have buried the beauty of myself under a lot of hurt and heartache. I question how someone can love someone that has been rejected so much. I’ve somehow convinced myself that I’m not likeable because my past loves didn’t like me but I never thought about if I liked me…hmm …do I like me? I wasn’t sure, so I made a list of all my good and all my bad. I put that I was funny, and loyal on the good side. I put things like I bite my nails,I'm a terrible speller I have this one roll around my stomach I can’t seem get rid of and I tend to talk a lot. I even wrote on the bad side about the time I lied and told the Titan I was deathly ill just to get his attention (not so good). The more I started to see that I wasn’t so bad and I was worth loving the lover in my day dream. Then it hit me I’ve been holding who I am hostage in fear. Fear that my silly flaws would out shine the great things about me.

The man I day dream about is a man that I have met a few times but I have manage to embarrass myself in front of him some kind of way every time. The last time I saw him it was at a party with open bar and I kindly took his drink out of his hand drank what I thought was alcohol but turned out to be much needed water (lol). To be honest I don’t even know if this guy actually is anything like I’ve created him to be because I don’t know him well enough to draw the conclusion. What I do know is that whether this guy is my Mr. Right or not I don’t want keep myself from whomever maybe just for me.

We often hold our confidence hostage because we are not comfortable with our past. Listen my friend I have done some pretty dumb things all in the name of love. Confidence isn’t perfection. Confidence is owning up to everything in your life and then just saying “Damnit this is me…this is who I am. The past isn’t who you are nor is it who I am. It’s simply part of what makes us great. The more we (you and I) hold on to what hurts the deeper we bury the precious treasures of what makes us who we are. I don’t know the day or time that my day dreamer and I will meet again but when it happens I will be wear my very sexy confidence.

Till Next Time
Simply Lola

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Week One/For The Love Of Me (Tony Gaskins)

I enrolled in a class called “4 The Love of Me” taught by Tony Gaskins (he’s the motivational speaker that was on Oprah promoting his relationship book “What Daddy Didn’t Tell His Daughter”). Anyway anyone who knows me knows that I am so against the “how to get a man” books and seminars. I hate them because men don’t join classes or read books about women they just take what they can get at the time they can get it, so my argument is if men are not so pressed to figure us (women) out why are we so pressed to figure them (men) out. I joined the class because I am a young beautiful talented woman of 30 who is having less coloring action than an unhappy married couple of ten years(lol). I knew it was really bad when I was watching the Jets play Denver on Sunday and I found myself wondering what defensive linemen had the larger cups (Don’t judge me). Something has got to give. I also signed up for this class because I have yet to be in a serious committed relationship and that is what I want at this point in my life. I guess one could say I am kind of like the Dallas Cowboys, I to want know what I need to do in order to score(lol).My fear is that I meet a man I really like and see myself getting serious with, we go out, I enjoy his company and conversation, and the next thing ya know I am all over him because I’m so excited that I finally I like a painter that I want to share my canvas with. I guess I just don’t want to move to fast. Lastly, I want to make sure I am being realistic about what type of man I wanted to be part of my life.

The first class took place on last Wednesday. The class is given by conference call at 9pm Eastern time, and last about an hour. There were about 40 women on the call. I logged in with excitement, high hopes with the expectations of getting all the questions as to why I am not coloring with my love list answered. My pen and pad was ready! The conversation started off with Mr. Gaskin talking about the importance of expectations and what should be mandatory on a woman’s love list. He said we should except the obvious… love, respect, and some other stuff. He talked about the warning signs of a man that goes out to much means that he is not a committed man, a man that curses can equal to a violent man (now I am not sure about the cursing because I know sometimes I can have a potty mouth and as long as he’s not cursing me out and calling me out of my name I don’t mind if he says “shit” if he smashes his finger in the door, or if we’re getting hot and heavy). Of course the man should be a man of God (blah, blah, blah, blah, blah) the usually, and that was it. Yep that’s all folks. Everything I’ve heard before, not what I was expecting (tragedy). He did welcome us to ask questions or make statements if we had any. There was quick silence and then a few women had the same response saying, we’ve heard this stuff before, DAMNIT WHERE IS MY MAN. It felt good to know I wasn’t the only woman that was sexually and emotionally frustrated. As for me I felt like I’ve been going by the “book” only wanting to throw the book in the trash and give the author the middle finger. It’s like do this , do that, don’t do this, don’t do that and still wondering what do I do to get what I want. I am all for self love and self pleasing but my vibrator is broke and my hands have become very boring. Oh sure I can color like men (I call them hoe moments) but my secret lover moved away and got married. Plus there comes a time in the most promiscuous girls life where she just wants to be seen as pretty damn cool the morning after while the gentle man next to her hums Andre 3000(The Morning After)

To sum up the first conference class, all I can say is it was nothing but what I’ve heard before. I am however going to stick it out for the next six weeks and see what happens. I wish I could tell you that I hung up the phone revived and motivated, but instead I was still hungry for my very own painter to color and have engaging complimenting conversation with. However it felt good to know at I wasn’t the only woman desperate with great expectations. To my friend who is in search for answers on how to attract a man, a new career, or just change and feel like you’ve heard it all before and tired of going by the book. Don’t worry you’re not the only one. Sometimes knowing you’re not alone is a better feeling that having the answers you may be searching for.

Til Next Time
Simply Lola

Monday, October 18, 2010

Not Sure Whats Missing

The Dallas Cowboys successfully did it again, they lost (tragic just tragic). Not only did they lose but they lost the same way they lost their last game, penalties, penalties, penalties and interceptions. Fingers are being pointed at the coach, the general manager and the owner (who happens to be the general manager). It’s a relief for wide receiver Roy Williams knowing that the fingers are no longer being pointed at him. All he needed was a visual of how his slippery hands were about to slide him out of job by the rookie Des Bryant. Now he’s catching everything that is coming his way. He has defiantly proven to the Cowboy fans that he is worth every dime he is getting paid, which is why I can’t understand why he has made such a horrible investment in his wardrobe. In the locker room after the game he was interviewed by a few sport reporters and well I was so distracted by his poor choice of clothing that I couldn’t focus on his comments to the questions that were asked. I mean it looked like he went shopping in an old fat mans closet, and those choice of colors (HOT MESS) absolutely did nothing for his skin tone. If I knew him well I would burn that tacky tie he thought was tasteful. It is a tragedy to look fantastic on the field and frightening off the field. Brady James had a similar fashion problem once up on a time but he manage to marry someone whose fashion forward, dressing him well enough to convince the world that “real men wear pink”(lol)nice tie. Marcus Spears interviewed like he had just finished preaching three services although he just finish playing four quarters( my dad is a preacher, and after he preaches he has the gloss look, but Spears suit was a nice look). I can see Spears as a good Reverend with Jason Hatcher as the elder of his church (lol) but for right now they make for good teammates. The way Spears responded to the reason why his team is losing made me a believer that things can very well turn around. He didn’t deny their silly mistakes but he spoke with great confidence that he and his teammates will do whatever it takes in order to turn a tragic season into triumph. I caught the last of Terrance Newman, he wore a classic button down with caramel v-neck sweater which was very complimenting to his complexion, his interview was my favorite of all. He said “We have talent, there is no doubt about that but it takes more than talent to win”.

Last night after a long travel from Prairie View A&M homecoming (OMG un be weave able experience) I laid down and thought about what it does it really take to win. Everyone who knows me knows that all I have ever wanted to do in my life time is sing, just sing great music and be with my love list. As a singer with nowhere to sing and dateless in Dallas I wonder what is it that I am missing. I believe got good coloring talent, I’ve never had a painter find my fundamentals of creating explosive art disappointing, and I’m well rounded. I can sang no doubt about that, in fact I gave Clark Atlanta University $80,000 just to make sure I was properly skilled with using my musical talent. I have recorded several demos, opened my mouth for countless open mics all over the city, hell I’ve moved from one city to another, and the list can go on and on and on. I know my love list is only a blueprint of my ideal lover and I have kept an open mind but really do I have to settle for the 35 year old divorcee with a receding hair line who is still pissed that his ex-wife got to keep the dog in the settlement. I have a passion for music like I have a passion for pure unconditional love. My desire to sing is as deep as my desire to kiss a man that loves me just for me and with all this strong desiring passion I find myself very pissed off. At this point I am suppose to deliver a profound revelation on what’s missing from my life that keeps me from winning my life’s race, but I don’t have one. All I can say is that I have grown tired of looking at the problem and have decided to just close my eyes take a deep breath and believe that just when I stop looking things will suddenly will change.

No one really knows why the Cowboys are not at their best right now, even they have no idea. One thing is for sure pointing fingers and being pissed off doesn’t make for a win. It is at times like these when the answer isn’t so obvious. We have to walk away from our loses, close our eyes, take in a deep breath and expect change to come while we’re not looking.

To my friend that just can’t understand why all has been lost with all your hard work don’t be discourage. Have the determination of the defensive lineman/future Reverend Marcus Spears and the understanding of Terrance Newman, know that you have what it takes and discover what’s missing. Just when you throw up your hands because you’re at a lost, believe that things will change when you’re not looking.

Til Next Time
Simply Lola

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

The Dallas Cowboys From A Girls Point of View

The Dallas Cowboys/ From A Girls Point of View
When it comes to love and relationships men and women are very different especially when we’re talking about “coloring”. If you’re a single woman like me whose coloring activity is a rare form from time to time usually will engage in adult activity with very high expectations. To have our painter of choice be disappointing after a dreadful long drought is just unacceptable especially for the first night more importantly unforgivable and tragic just tragic. There is absolutely no way we can forgive foul play when four play was requested (lol). Thankfully men are more understanding and a little more sensitive to fundamentals of coloring. A woman can be deader than a tree limb on the first night of exotic exploring and a man will be the gentleman and simply will blame it on the alcohol. Never turning down the second night because he knows everyone can have an off night and will proceed with an open mind. If she still can’t seem to rise to the expectations of a powerful painting performance he will make a few suggestions, take some time off and look forward to round three, four, and even five. Men are so positive in coloring cases they firmly believe that three times may not very well be the charm. Never the less they will work hard on building the right chemistry to properly color. We as  women know that he as a fan of her canvas (just because she’s got one…no more nothing less) he will be more than glad to participate in painting outside the lines because he has successfully showed patience. Let’s be honest, in situations like these one must be determine to find a way or make a way to cum correct (lol). He is determine to make failures into favorable memories the man usually sparks the flame that electrifies compatible chemistry. The result of thid is both man and woman will perfectly perform four play with no signs of foul play, painting a performance of passion and pleasurable pleasing. I find that the male’s method can very well be related to the Dallas Cowboys tragic start for this season.

There has been so much hype about the Dallas Cowboys, the Super Bowl, and the Dallas Cowboys playing in the Super Bowl. It’s clear the home team would not only want to be the host of Super Bowl XLV but also be the home team playing, but with a 1-3 record Doubting Thomas’s has risen its ugly head. The Cowboys take on the Minnesota Viking and many faith fans are just unsure if “Five Times Is A Charm”. After losing to the tacky Titians, the barely making it(Chicago Bears), and a lost to wishful wonderers (Washington Redskins) many faithful fans have decided to fall out as the 12 man on the field.

Being that I am Dallas Native and a huge fan of the boys in blue (Dez Bryant is my favorite, he wears Uncle Drew's number 88) I have decided to take the attitude of the forgiving man. The first time was a little rocky, the second game loss was just poor preparation and the third was just lack of focus, but that doesn't mean the end can’t be better than the beginning. With all the media discussions, unauthorized coaching by fans, several play reviews, locker room long talks, and power forcing practicing I’m sure they will manage to make negative numbers transform into a positive play performances.

To my friend who once was a fellow fan I encourage you to not hold the grudge of the single women with minimal patience for disappointing coloring performance. Be more like the forgiving men who knows that everyone has an off game or two, hell even three every now and again. Just because the start is a little rooky doesn’t mean the ending will be dreadful. Have the gentlemen’s attitude, when a woman’s canvas seems a little dry, or her picture resembles a boring stick figure, he doesn't put her out the game. He finds a way to moisturize what is dry, adding red rose to her cheeks as she basks in enjoying a beautiful painting performance…I think it’s called chemistry. All The Cowboys need is a spark to light the flame of chemistry. Good Chemistry produces positive productivity...WIN

Till Next Time
Simply Lola

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Going Unnoticed

Going Unnoticed
Due to some very expensive car issues I have found myself back on the bus (tragedy). In as much as I hate being back on the bus it feels good to know that (Karen) the morning bus driver is glad to see me, and Stanly the afternoon bus driver finds my smile refreshing. I now have a temp assignment at and without being on their dating site I managed to land two dates last week. I’m thinking it’s my auar from match that made a few good matches for me (I know, corny…lol). I had stopped agreeing to go on dates for a while because I found it very embarrassing to say well I don’t have a car can you pick me up, and if the guy picks me up for a date and it begins to take a turn for the worse, there’s nowhere to run. I’m sure I could jump up from the table while having dinner and just run out the restaurant screaming he’s crazy, he’s crazy but no matter how weird or freakish I may think my date is I would still be the crazy woman that ran out the restaurant(not a very good lasting impression to leave on the first date). Anyway the first guy was short, nice hair and about 5 years older than me. We hookup after work for dinner and had a few drinks. We talked for about three hours, and yes we talked (we both had a fair share of conversation to exchange). We didn’t have much in common but we compared notes with our dislike and likes of what neither one of us knew about. I left with my belly full and my body a tad bit tipsy but very clear that I was onto the next. Bachelor #2 was cool I had more in common with him. He was much taller, but no spark( I know the author of “He’s Just Not That Into You” say men invented the “spark” )but I never had a desire to see his paint brush or show him my canvas(lol). I guess it was poor play execution of the “spark”. I’m not sure why, Daylon said it’s my shallow side taking over, but what does he know, I have one dream about Terrance Newman and now I’m considered only liking the bold, black and handsome guy…ok so maybe that’s true …don’t judge me  . Bachelor #2 and I saw “Social Network” and agreed to disagree on our conclusions of the movie. He felt the main character (Facebook Inventor) was arrogant and I felt like he was very good at figuring out a way to no longer be in this world unnoticed. Now after many lawsuits and broken friendships I’m sure he didn’t realize the sacrifice was one that would make him out to be a young wealthy asshole who still struggles with getting laid. Never the less both guys are good guys and are making great friends.

My friends Reggie and Daylon are always saying how I need more friends and I should be proactive about meeting people. Well I took their advice and found some new friends who love to sing and think I am absolutely the cutest thing they’ve ever met. However they have no desire to conform to the likeness of my canvas. My new hanging buddies are three fun feisty gay men. My friend Kim ( who introduced me to the trio) and I met up with them at this new place called Buttons in Addison and listened to live music and criticized the poor unfortunate souls with bad weaves and wardrobes. While we were listening to the sounds of the untitled band I remember running into a few people I knew and them asking me would I be singing that night. With disappointment on their faces and frustration in my heart as I told them no I started to feel annoyed and question when will the day come that I am no longer unnoticed. Before I could become emotionally involved in my thoughts one of my new fabulous friends said something funny about a dreadful un be weaveable situation. Later that night while I was getting ready for bed I realized that there was no reason to be frustrated about not having the attention I so desired because the next morning at 7:30am there were going to be at least twenty people just waiting to hear me sing and my cousin Joanne will be there encouraging me with every smile.

In this life we all want more. We want to be recognized for who we are and what we do. There are days that seem like we are all alone and all that we’ve strived for is in vain. Sometimes we have to stop thinking about what we don’t have and realize just what we do have. In as much as I want to be noticed by Terrance Newman and Warner Brother Records I am thankful that I have been recognized by few good men, faithful members of my dad’s church and my big cousin Joanne Thompson.

So to my friend who has yet to be noticed by the man of your dreams and properly promoted to the position that you desire, don’t dwell on who hasn’t recognized you but appreciated the few good people that have manage to notice just who are and what you have to offer, loving every bit of you.

Til Next Time
Simply Lola

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Contradicting Wants and Wishes

Last month, my friend Crystal suggested we read the book “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert before seeing the movie. I dragged my feet with purchasing the book but manage to honor my commitment. When I first started reading the book I was very confident I was not going to enjoy it. I'm a black woman who has never been married and is still making strides to get my career off the ground. This book was about a white woman who managed to always find herself in a relationship with a man, whose career as a writer seemed very successful. Now what on earth were we going have in common? The book started off talking about how she no longer wanted to be married and was looking for value in her life. As the book went on she was caught in the middle of a divorce and in love with a young actor (DRAMA). Again what the hell did I have in common with this woman? She’s in between two men and I am between two pillows and a battery operated device (lol). She seems to be very successful at coloring and writing about it. Me! Well I seem to be very successful at writing about not coloring (tragedy). As I am reading the book it’s taking everything out of me to not call my friend Crystal and tell her she’s on her own with this damn idea. All of a sudden I get to a place in the first chapter that triggers my interest and grabs my attention. The writer finds herself soul searching for answers. She starts meditating day in and day out and even attends these guru services with her younger lover. Guru services are like COGIC services but their hymns are much longer. As I’m reading I think to myself, if she were black her mother would just tell her to try Jesus (lol). In all her confusion and curiosity she asked herself “What Do I Want”. The only answer she could come up with was “I don’t know”. The more she asked herself this question the more she began to understand that what she wanted was contradicting with her mental wishes. The writer (Liz) wanted to enjoy her life in her own way and not in a way that related to someone else i.e. these relationships she keeps jumping in and out of.

Many months ago I made a love list of what type of man I wanted for myself in my life and at times I find myself only wishing for the Titan (who is clearly not my love list). When I think about what I want, and what I am wishing for I realize I am having some major contradictions going on in my thought process. How I can I want love, respect and honesty from a man who is a heartless liar. In order to receive what I want and have the life I want I must first be very clear. The first step for me was for me to be honest and just say …I have no earthy idea what I really want. I don’t know about anyone else but my mind goes back and forth. So to stop the mental race, I made a list of my wants, I really wanted to share my list but some people can be so curl and justify their cruelty as just being “real” or honest when they really are just negative people with no positive support. I will say this, my list of wants range from thing as big being signed to Warner Brothers to just having peace of mind. I have stuff on my list like being in a serious relationship to waking up every morning to workout. I even have wants for my friends, like my friend Monica; I want her to really click with someone that’s right for her, and my friend Jocelyn I really want her to find a wedding dress that she absolutely loves for a very good discounted price. My list is my start; it is my visual of what I desire to have for myself. When I get confused or feel off track I can go back to my list.

There’s a scripture in the bible (not sure where it is) that says you have not because you ask not, and then there is another one that says God will give you the desires of your heart (again not really sure exactly where that one is either, I know I suck as Preachers Kid right about now (lol) but to my friend who may be Christian or just plain ole spiritual the law of attraction is the same. There is no way you or me can get what we want if our mind can’t decide just what is best for us. To say I don’t know what I want is an honest start. After that the days ahead will become very clear on how we want to live and enjoy our life.
Til Next Time
Simply Lola