Finding My Way To Love

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Contradicting Wants and Wishes

Last month, my friend Crystal suggested we read the book “Eat, Pray, Love” by Elizabeth Gilbert before seeing the movie. I dragged my feet with purchasing the book but manage to honor my commitment. When I first started reading the book I was very confident I was not going to enjoy it. I'm a black woman who has never been married and is still making strides to get my career off the ground. This book was about a white woman who managed to always find herself in a relationship with a man, whose career as a writer seemed very successful. Now what on earth were we going have in common? The book started off talking about how she no longer wanted to be married and was looking for value in her life. As the book went on she was caught in the middle of a divorce and in love with a young actor (DRAMA). Again what the hell did I have in common with this woman? She’s in between two men and I am between two pillows and a battery operated device (lol). She seems to be very successful at coloring and writing about it. Me! Well I seem to be very successful at writing about not coloring (tragedy). As I am reading the book it’s taking everything out of me to not call my friend Crystal and tell her she’s on her own with this damn idea. All of a sudden I get to a place in the first chapter that triggers my interest and grabs my attention. The writer finds herself soul searching for answers. She starts meditating day in and day out and even attends these guru services with her younger lover. Guru services are like COGIC services but their hymns are much longer. As I’m reading I think to myself, if she were black her mother would just tell her to try Jesus (lol). In all her confusion and curiosity she asked herself “What Do I Want”. The only answer she could come up with was “I don’t know”. The more she asked herself this question the more she began to understand that what she wanted was contradicting with her mental wishes. The writer (Liz) wanted to enjoy her life in her own way and not in a way that related to someone else i.e. these relationships she keeps jumping in and out of.

Many months ago I made a love list of what type of man I wanted for myself in my life and at times I find myself only wishing for the Titan (who is clearly not my love list). When I think about what I want, and what I am wishing for I realize I am having some major contradictions going on in my thought process. How I can I want love, respect and honesty from a man who is a heartless liar. In order to receive what I want and have the life I want I must first be very clear. The first step for me was for me to be honest and just say …I have no earthy idea what I really want. I don’t know about anyone else but my mind goes back and forth. So to stop the mental race, I made a list of my wants, I really wanted to share my list but some people can be so curl and justify their cruelty as just being “real” or honest when they really are just negative people with no positive support. I will say this, my list of wants range from thing as big being signed to Warner Brothers to just having peace of mind. I have stuff on my list like being in a serious relationship to waking up every morning to workout. I even have wants for my friends, like my friend Monica; I want her to really click with someone that’s right for her, and my friend Jocelyn I really want her to find a wedding dress that she absolutely loves for a very good discounted price. My list is my start; it is my visual of what I desire to have for myself. When I get confused or feel off track I can go back to my list.

There’s a scripture in the bible (not sure where it is) that says you have not because you ask not, and then there is another one that says God will give you the desires of your heart (again not really sure exactly where that one is either, I know I suck as Preachers Kid right about now (lol) but to my friend who may be Christian or just plain ole spiritual the law of attraction is the same. There is no way you or me can get what we want if our mind can’t decide just what is best for us. To say I don’t know what I want is an honest start. After that the days ahead will become very clear on how we want to live and enjoy our life.
Til Next Time
Simply Lola

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