Wednesday, December 21, 2011
From reading the title of this blog I’m sure you're probably thinking that I am about to talk about following your passion and living your destiny. But I'm not (sorry) what I want to talk about is dreams that you have and wake up thinking OMG that was a crazy ass dream. Like the dream you have that all your teeth fall out of your mouth, and you wake up running to the bath to look in the mirror making sure they all still there. Or the one you have about falling and when you hit the ground you jump up out of your sleep. I want to talk dreams that make absolutely no sense in theory but yet that make sense in other ways.
I have been dreaming about this guy that I barely know. The only thing I know about him is that when I first met him I thought to myself he would totally make a great husband, but back then I was caught up loving the Titan that I didn't pursue him. The other thing is that this guy never really showed interest in me, like he's never been mean to me but he's never been really nice to me, like nice in the way of giving off signs that he likes me. Anyway, these dreams all started about a week ago after I went to this event with my friend Dana. I was really bored at this industry event that I just sat at the bar and watched ESPN. While I was watching the sports channel I had got this strong craving, like when you crave chocolate around that time of the month to see him. I don't know why but I really, really wanted to kiss him and touch him and just be with him. I hadn't been drinking so I just thought it was weird and didn't think anything of it until the next night when I started having dreams about him. I first dreamt that I was sleep in his arms and he was carrying me up some stairs. And then I dreamt that I was singing to a really big crowd and he was watching me in the audience. Then I dreamt we had a huge fight about me moving back to Dallas...now I remember that one because I was crying and I really wanted to move back but I couldn't at that time. Here's what’s crazy this guy doesn’t live in Dallas...well he does and he doesn't (I know, just go with me on this one)
I’ve gotten very obsessed about all these dreams I’m having and even with the burning desire that I got at the industry event. I keep going over every dream and every detail trying to figure if he's "the one" or am I just trippin. What’s worse is I think about him a lot, I mean a lot. It's like this fantasy of mine has taken on a life of its own (lol). Since I barely know him I don't have his number and we don't really hang in the same circles. I told my friend Karen about my mental love connection and of course she encouraged me tap into my inner CSI and find my dream lover. Without hesitation I did (lol). I found out that he's single, his birthday is the day after my dad's and that he doesn't have a facebook page, he has a fan page but not a personal page. I even found an email address for him ,but I haven't emailed him because I don't want to look like a stalker even though I kinda feel like one (lol). On top of that I'm not sure he actually likes me. Like I said before he's never really given me that vibe like he's feelin me. Plus I feel like I'm just way to anxious and if I met him today I'd probably jump his bones and give him my cookies before he could even say hello (lol), hey don't judge me (lol)... it's been a while since I've been touched in the best way (lol).
For the sake of my sanity I have decided to back off. I have to be honest I really, really want to see if these will come true. I'm not really sure how we would run into each other. I'm in Atlanta and he's in Baltimore when he's not in Dallas ( I mean when will I ever go to Balitmore, lol). Thank God I'm a starving artist because if I had some money I think I would fly where he's at and " purposely bump into him (lol). I'm pretty sure I am spending way to much time on this. But it would be so nice to finally be in a relationship with someone that wants me just as much as i want them. They say you can't miss what you've never had but I beg to differ. Each year I pray that this is the year that I can be with the love of my life. I know this may sound petty but I've never really had a valentine on Valentines Day, or roses delivered to me on my birthday. Since I'm about being this faith driven person now I have to believe that if my dream lover is the one that the stars will line up and we will be together living happily ever after(lol).
To my friend who is wondering if crazy dreams come true, I have to tell ya I don’t know (lol). In as much as we very anxious to see them manifest we to be patient and just chill out.
Til next Time
Thursday, December 8, 2011
When the word SEX comes to mind many of us immediately relate it to Sin. It’s the forbidding act that commonly is used for exciting pleasure. Depending on who you talk to sex is the leading sin that will send you straight to hell on a scholarship (lol). My attitude is this, if we the fornicators are getting scholarships to hell make sure the over eaters in world should get their full ride too because gluttony is definitely on the sinful rise. Let's be honest if you aint coloring your eating cookies, cake, candy and any other bad comfort food to compensate for the lack of a freaky good time (lol). But who am I to say whose going where , I don’t have a heaven or a hell to but anyone in so I dare not judge. In my opinion I think of sex being more than just an sinful act. I think it’s a description of character. I mean think about it, when we find someone attractive we desire to get to know them emotionally and physically. Men (straight men at least) think vaginas are attractive and want to sleep with all the clean, fresh and tight ones. If the vagina happens to have a pretty face and a nice personality to go along with it well then that just means they want to color with that vagina on more than one occasion (lol). Regardless of how any of us want to look at it, we are all selling sex in one way or another. How we sell it is based one who we are and how package it. As a single woman on the market I realize that how I carry myself determines the type of men that take interest in me and the same goes for me as a singer.
In the world of music image is everything. If you don’t have an image, then you don’t have a fan base, if you don’t have a fan base well then please believe no one is buying your music. Since I’ve taken the route of singing pop music I’ve had to start really defining myself as a pop artist. I realize that there are plenty of talented cute girls in world that want to make it big, but the ones that make it are the ones that sell themselves in a unique way, which is why I have hooked up with the one and only Alex. Alex is an aggressive, confident gay black man who is all about making shit happen and he’s also my store manager. I asked him if he’d take me on as a client a few weeks ago and gave him some of my music to listen to before he made a commitment. I figured he be a good person to work with because gay people love pop music and well he’s really good at what he does. Samantha from “Sex and the City” said it best first the gays, then the girls (lol). Anyway, after he heard my music he was totally down with making me the next big thing on the music scene. He told me I was really talented and way too cute. But cute was the one thing that was holding me back. Apparently I can’t be cute I have to Hot, and not just hot but fucking HOT (which were his words) and the only way to be Fucking Hot was I have to sell sex.
When he first started talking about me selling sex I thought to myself, OMG!?!, what in world are my saved and sanctified parents going to think about me being the black Lady Gaga (lol). The more he talked the more I understood that I wouldn’t be the black Lady Gaga but he did have a vision for me. He told me I gotta walk it, talk it and look it. I couldn’t help myself I had to ask him, will all this sex stuff make me look like a prostitute. Of course he laughed and said absolutely not. Then he schooled me, he said sex is an attitude, it’s the way you carry yourself. He said in order to sell sex, I’ve got to be sexy. When I walk into a room my mire presence should command attention. My conversation should be so engaging that people are dying to hear what I have to say because they’re obsessed with my voice.
Considering that what I’ve been doing hasn’t worked I figure why not try something different, i.e. selling sex. I just want say that selling sex is no easy job. I am wearing 6 inch heels, long cat nails and extremely long hair. Now that everything is long and dramatic it is taking some getting use to. I hate texting on my phone because my nails get in the way, and wrapping my hair at night has become a chore like no other, but at the end of the day I really like the new sexy me (lol). The heels have really helped my posture if I do say so myself. Having to do this whole transformation I realized Alex was right. Sex isn’t just about the act but more about the attitude. To tell the truth I’ve always wanted to be a desirable woman with the attitude that I can have any man or thing I want. It feels good to be able express the sexier side of me through my music and performance and even in my daily life for that matter. I kinda feel like I am killing two birds with one stone. The more I develop as this sexy artist the more I will develop as a sexy lady, which will give me the ammunition I need to attract Calvin Johnson (lol).
As I stated before we are all selling sex in one form or another. There are those of us that sell it like we’re the Virgin Mary and then there are those of us that sell it like we’re Madonna. It doesn’t matter which way you sell it as long as you’re comfortable and confident.
Til Next Time
Friday, November 18, 2011
It’s the holiday season and for the first time in a long time I will not being going home for the holidays. Duty in the retail world calls and I have to be at work on Black Friday at 6am (yah me). I’m really sad about missing Thanksgiving because Thanksgiving is a big deal for my family, it’s the time I get to see all my family and extended family, like my grandmother, grandfather, uncles, aunts and cousins. It’s hard to wrap my head around the fact that I will be having Thanksgiving dinner with my store manager, but I’m managing to be ok with this situation. The worse part about it all is that I am going to miss the big Dallas Cowboy Thanksgiving party they throw every year.It's the one party my friend Robin and I kick it really hard and have absolutely nothing to show for it the next morning but a hang over ...don't judge us (lol). I must admit being away from home isn’t so bad anymore because at least now I’m making progress with my dream.
When I first moved back to Atlanta I was excited. I felt like I was making a move here for the third time and this time my world of dreams would come true. I made a vision board, read every “self help” book known to man and fasted and prayed. I did everything to make sure this year would be the best year of my life. I just knew 2011 was the year that love, romance, and music would all come together and I would be the new poster child for “Dreams Do Come True”. Tragically that is not what happen to me. I get here only to struggle finding a job, and struggle with dating and just struggle. Thankfully things have turned around. I have manage to record more music (I’m trying out pop music….don’t judge me, I’m finding my way, lol). I sang at a night club and a very nice man offered to be my vocal couch. I must admit I love vocal lessons because I learn so much about my voice and it keeps me fresh. I thought having a fashion stylish/ image consultant was someone I would hire when I started walking the red carpets of major music awards, but after I met an up and coming fashion stylist and he broke it down to me about the importance of having a marketable image I signed up to be his client. So far he is transforming me into a Mega Super Star Pop singer and I like it. I don’t have a huge major deal or making strong head ways but I do like the fact that things are finally coming along.
Taking vocal lesson is something every singer should do because it’s really good exorcize. I always thought I’d be an R&B singer but I kinda like singing pop. I like the fact that it’s so many harmonies in creating a popular sound. Image is just as important music, people want a whole package when it comes to an artist. The point of it all is I’m still in Atlanta and I am making progress with my music career. My love life however is another story. I attempted to get a jump off but he was young and he talked to much. So I’m still stuck with showing myself some love for the time being (lol). But no worries friends, I am sure once football season is over Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions will find me and fall in love ...with me of course (lol)
I realize that I’ve looked at that big picture so much that I never stopped and appreciated the small pieces that make it up. One thing I’ve learned this year is to take progress one day at a time and believe that for anything to happen overnight there’s lots of preparation. For some reason many of us waste a lot of days in our life waiting for life to happen, waiting for a moment to change us into greatness. The truth of the matter is the best way to spend our day is make progress toward our goal, our dream. Small changes add up to huge transformations. So to my friend, who is following his or her dream, keep making progress. Eventually it will all add up.
Til Next Time
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Before I start with my “Once Upon A Time” story I have to make a disclaimer. The story I’m about to tell was told to me by my mother. Now it’s my understanding that she got this story off the internet, and well we all know that internet may or may not be true…but anyway, here it goes.
Once upon a time there was a man who fell in love with a single mother of five. The two dated for a few months. They had a lot in common and enjoyed each other’s company. In fact they spent so much time together that the wealthy single man quickly got attached to her children and became a father figure in their lives. The man decided to ask for the single mother’s hand in marriage. In as much as the mother of five wanted to say yes to his proposal she couldn’t. She couldn’t say yes because there was one small (more like huge) problem that she couldn’t get past. The problem was that perfect gentleman had a plastic paint brush (i.e. penis). Because of his plastic situation he would be very limited with their coloring activity. Although she didn’t want to have any more children she’s a woman with needs. Needs that need to be met in unlimited ways by coloring activities. Her family was very upset and disappointed that she turned down the perfect gentleman all because of his silly little plastic painrtbrush.
After my mother told me this story she said to me “I don’t understand how single women cry, beg, and whine for God to send them a good man and when he does yall (indirecty including me in "yall") turn him down all because he can’t stick his thing I ya”. Of course my grandmother agreed with my mother saying “ shoot it don’t matter who ya marry cause when they get to be about 65 it don't get hard amd they can’t go no more (ROLMAO). As I listen to both my mother and grandmother talk about this plastic penis situation I thought to myself, it’s easy for them to talk, they are married to perfectly normal painters with functioning paintbrushes....well as least my mother is my dad isn't 65 yet(lol).
It’s amazing how single women are critized for not settling and men are respected for not settling. When a woman is asked what it is she wants in a man most of the time she has a generic answer…like, I just want him to be a loving, respectful God fearing man. She’ll rarely be honest and say, I want a wealthy attractive man who is loving, respectful, God fearing with a decent size penis that will make me sing octaves I never thought I could ever reach (lol). The single woman that disagrees with this statement is the control freak workaholic that everyone prays for to get laid so that she can release some of her tension and no longer be the angry bitter bitch(lol). As a single woman, if we publicly vocalized our honest wants and desires from a man we would be considered shallow. We’d have friends and family saying what we want is too much, and we should just let God give us what he wants for us because he knows our needs. I am cool with God knowing and supplying my needs but my needs better not come with a plastic penis (lol). Forgive me but I like most single women have been playing with plastic vibrating objects to pass the time for when I say “I do” (lol) If I am going to continue to cum with a generic object then I should be forever committed to a dildo (lol).
Men however can get away with expressing their demands. When a man is asked what he wants in a woman he confidently responds by saying, well she’s got to be bad ( as in fine),cook , clean, and give great head. And all his friends and family will say is,…well at least he knows what he wants. Clearly this is a double standard but that doesn’t mean I or any other single woman has to accept this foolishness.
I feel like the mother of five children past up on a good man with a plastic penis should not be judge as a shallow, picky woman. Hell, if she only wanted to be eaten out every time she had a sexual urge she’d be a lesbian. Clearly this woman has her issues too…she’s got five kids. But even with her issues she shouldn’t have to settle. I get that nobody is perfect and that most people will have 80% of what I want and 20% 0f what I can do without. In my 80% there is no compromising in regards to a well endowed paint brush with powerful moves that will put me to sleep …but that are just me.
To my friend who is considering settling for a man with disappointing short comings. I must say don’t. If you settle for 20% and not the 80% you’ll hate yourself in the end. Further more men don’t settle, and the ones that do are heavy weight cheaters. Clearly I could be wrong but I could very well me right. So what if your friends and family judge you based on what you want, they’re your wants your needs, and your desire. You have to live with you and your decision. Hey, I want Calvin Johnson the Wide Receive for the Detroit Lions (lol)…I don’t care that my mother wants me to marry a preacher… that’s not what I want. If nothing else be confident in knowing that you and even I don’t have to settle.
Til Next Time
Sunday, October 30, 2011
It’s been awhile since I’ve written about my exciting life. I wish I could say it’s because I’ve just signed my first major deal with Warner Brothers and currently recording huge hits, while finding time to make out with my hot WR boyfriend Calvin Johnson (lol), but that hasn't happen yet (notice I say...yet, lol). The truth is I’ve have been busting my butt working my retail part time job full time so that I can attend my good friend and former college roommate wedding in Hawaii. Let me just say getting to this island wasn’t easy, I have had to beg, borrow and steal hours at work just to make sure I had enough money to eat over priced cheese burgers from McDonald’s. From the time my friend Jocelyn dreamed of the day she’d get married I promised her that I would sing her favorite song “That’s All” by Dorothy Dandridge at her wedding. When I first made this promise I was senior in college with a bright future as a super star ahead of me (lol). Ten years later I’m still fighting for my dream with broke pockets (lol).
I thought paying for the trip was the hard part but clearly it wasn't. Since I knew a lot of my fun would be water related I decided to prepare myself for fun in the sun by getting a Brazilin wax. The only attractive place for hair to be coming out of a woman is on top of her head, anywhere else is just terribly tacky and disgusting (lol). When I arrived for my Brazilin waxing appointment I was greeted by a rude older Asian woman who gave me two to three word directions like, you sit, you lay down, you open, you breath. Being that is was my first time I insisted on asking a few questions before she got started. I politely said excuse me ma'am but if you don't mind there are few things I'd like to ask before you get started. Giving me the "annoyed, what you want to know” stare , she says with an old Asian lady attitude, yes. I asked her how hot was the wax, and how painful is this procedure. She responds by saying; wax not too hot, and hurt just a little bit, but boyfriend will like it. I smiled and said; oh I don't have a boy friend I'm going to Hawaii. She says; oh, show boy you like and he will like you and be boyfriend for you. I'm thinking to myself, you mean to tell me all I have to do is flash my bare vagina to a boy I like, and that will seal the deal on a boyfriend (lol) I think I’ve shown my tail to enough men to know that clearly doesn't work (lol). Anyway I laid down on the table and spread my legs. The mean old Asian applied the wax on my private parts and next thing I know she says; take deep breath, and proceeds to rips. I jumped up so fast gasping for air, praying Oh Jesus, please keep me near the cross. I really wanted to just get up and run out the spa, but I figured nobody wants to say a woman running down the street with a half waxed vagina (lol). So I laid back down and took another deep breath and bared the pain of yet another dreadful rip. When she finished she gave me a mirror and said; see look, you like, look sexy. Still taken back by the pain I just smiled, put my panties back on headed home.
When l told my grandmother about my painful experience she said; you know shouldn't take all the hair from down there because ya coochy could catch a cold and get to coughing...(clearly I have no idea what that means). She said that’s what its down there for to keep it warm. Unsure of where she was going with her theory I decided to just end the whole conversation altogether. I did however tell my grandmother that the rude Asian old lady told me if I show a boy my Brazilian wax he will like me. Of course she had to respond, telling me; don't go flashing ya tail to those men down there. You don't what know what they got that will kill you. She instructed me to keep my legs close, don't swim out to far from the shore, and leave the Hawaiian folk alone cause aint nobody got no money to come find me if I come up missing.
Hawaii was nice and the wedding was absolutely beautiful and very expensive. The beaches were peaceful and so pretty. The men were nice but I followed my granny’s orders and kept my legs closed (lol). I did however feel a little breeze around my private area whenever the wind blew...paranoid by what grandmother said I quietly prayed that my coochy wouldn't catch a cold or start to cough (lol).
To my friend who is thinking about going to Hawaii, I say go but keep your legs close, don't swim out to far from the shore, and leave the Hawaiian folk alone cause aint nobody got no money to come find you if you come up missing. As far as Brazilin waxing…well it’s painful but worth it. I’m not sure if it’s a man magnet but who knows maybe when I find a boy I like I flash my tail and see if the old Asian’s lady theory works rather do what i granny has instructed me to do.
Till Next Time
Thursday, September 29, 2011
It was 2:45am the day after my birthday and I was wide awake. I couldn’t sleep. It’s like my mind had taken a life of its own and I tragically surrendered to it. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t have to get up at 6am to cook breakfast, make lunches and get two kids ready for school. The way I’m talking one would think I was in a colorless marriage but I’m not it’s just the day and the life of a nanny. So why was I up so late…beats the heck out of me but I was, watching the Rachel Zoe Project on BRAVO. After about the third episode my thoughts began to sound like the way she talks…. Like, Oh My God, like literally I’m going to die if I don’t go to SLEEP!!!) In as much as I wanted to lie about being unsure as to why I was wide awake I knew exactly the reason for my insomnia. I was up because I’m afraid that if I went to sleep I will wake up still wanting to be anywhere but where I am.
I went on a date with this guy I meant at a place I sang at the night before my birthday. I must say he was a true gentleman, opening both my car door and the front door at the restaurant door for me and even pulling out my chair at the table we were seated at. It was sad that I totally forgot the acts of a gentleman because when he went to pull my seat out at the table I assumed that was the seat he wanted to sit in (lol), and I thought being a gentleman was a lost art to say the least.
As usual on a first date we both talked about where we were from and what brought us to Atlanta. I told him about how I moved back here to help a friend and further my music career. He moved to Atlanta because he got fed up with only making the practice squads of the NFL teams. I found that funny considering we were at a sports bar watching Monday night football (lol). I asked him if he missed playing he said no. He said he felt that he had given the game his all and now it was on to the next faze of his life. I totally agreed with him and explained to him that was how I was feeling about singing. I had spent so much of my life giving to my love of music that I was to exhausted to give anymore. Forgetting that he had already heard me sing he disagreed. He explained that he was very attracted to me because when he saw me sing I appeared confident and posed. He found the way I sang very sexy because I made it look as simple as me breathing and that the way I performed made him want to get to know more about me. Blushing from cheek to cheek I said to myself, and myself said huh, I said no matter how charming this man is I was not coloring with him on the first date, I am too old to have hoe moments (lol). After taking all the compliments I could take I quickly change the subject to fantasy football and told him how people in my league laughed at me for picking Cam Newton for my quarterback. He picked up on me changing the subject and we ended the night by laughing at his stories as a practice squad professional. When he dropped me off at my car he said to me that he could look in my eyes and see how what I love the most had broken my heart and that even though my true passion had given me the blues I should keep going. His words were sweet and so were his lips (lol). The freak in me wanted to attack him in a match of tongue wrestling but I thought “What Would Jesus Do” so instead I thanked him for a great night and gave him a good Christian hug ( my mother will be so proud of me).
In my restless night of tossing and turning while flipping from Rachel Zoe Project to the NFL Network all I could think about was that I’m 31 now and have no idea what the hell is going on with my life. There are days that I worry that I wont get married or even sing professionally. I worry that because I don’t know what’s next for me I’ll make the wrong move putting me in an even worse position and leaving stuck where I am. I know I wont be a nanny for my friend forever but I don’t know what will happen next for me either. My date was right, my dream has broken my heart but there's still more of me to give. I will always be a singer no matter what, that’s just part of who I am. What I do know is all this worrying is only going to give bags under my eyes, and ththats a bad look for a sexy single singer(lol).I can’t keep being afraid to go to sleep because I don’t want to face tomorrow. Therefore I made a “No worries” box and wrote on a small sheet of paper that said "I will not be afraid of what I don’t know and wont where worry bout where I'm going because I can only go up from here.
To my friend that’s having sleepless nights, there’s a simple scripture that says “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you, Psalms 55:22. After reading these words it’s clear what you and I both have got to do if we’re ever going to sleep.
Till Next Time
Monday, September 5, 2011
I had planned on going home for my birthday but the car I’m was driving got broken into last week and the thieves attempted to steal the entire car but only successful destroyed the ignition. With the little money I have I’ve got to save and get the car fix. Therefore my finances have denied my request (lol). So I’m stuck here in the A.T.L. shawty (lol). I told my grandmother about my tragedy and after I confirmed I was alright she said “ Lord have mercy, niggas will steal the crack out of ya ass if they could (ROLMAO)”. I can’t believe I am turning 31, I mean where did the time go and most importantly what did I do with all that time that has gone by. Well for the majority part of that time I spent with just me.
When Happy Birthday comes to mind I think of birthday cakes, birthday cards, and thanks to singer/ songwriter Jeremiah there is now birthday coloring. My birthday is next Tuesday (September 13th) and there will probably not be any cake or coloring … tragic but true (lol). The closer it gets to my birthday I get more and more home sick. As you get older birthday gifts are few far and in between but I do have a birthday wish. Since I can’t go home I would like birthday cards from friends and family. My reason for this request is because although I’m far away a card will make me feel a little closer to home. Plus these past few weeks have been rough and I just want to feel love on my special day. So if you would like to be part of my long distance birthday party, please send a card and join the party. The address for this big party is 1339 Cascade Falls, Atlanta GA 30311.
To my friends and family, those near and far I can’t wait to enjoy the funny emotional words from you all.
Til Next Time
Monday, August 29, 2011
Jazmine Sullivan has a song on her most recent album titled “Famous”. The song is about her being a little girl with one dream to become famous. As she grows older she hopes that her one true passion/desire would fade from her thoughts, but instead of it fading away it becomes an anxious nightmare she must fulfill. I listen to this song almost every day, thinking about how when I was a little girl singing at my father’s church all I wanted to be was a famous singer. There's a line that sticks out most, when she says "No one wants to be invisible, everyone wants to be seen.I want to matter to the one, to girl watching me on TV and I want her to want to be me and I want to be her dream". My niece is who I do this for. Here I am standing at the front door of 31 still wanting to become what I dreamt about as a little girl.
There’s a place in Atlanta called Kat’s Café. On Thursday nights Kat’s holds a jam session for musicians and singers kinda like a open mic but it’s only open to those with talent (lol). A few weeks ago I went to Kat’s and participated in the jam session. I sang “Say Yes” by Floetry and received an encore. I was surprised at the audience response simply because usually hardly anyone ever receives an encore. On this particular night a few musicians from Anthony Hamilton’s band where there listening to me rock the house and invited me to the Jill Scott concert the next night. Jill Scott is one of my absolute favorite singers so I didn’t hesitate to accept their invite. Anthony Hamilton, Mint Condition DJ Jazzy Jeff and Duggy Fresh were Jill’s opening acts for the concert. I had the best seats in the house back stage (ya dig). I was like a little kid in a candy store over whelmed by all the talent walking past me rushing to get on stage. I have to admit I was extremely nervous at first. I had so much I wanted to ask but very little time and thinking about it now the concert was not the time or place for my 101 questions. To calm my nerves I had a glass of wine which turned into a few glasses of wine, needless to say I was very relaxed by the 3rd act. In fact I was so relax that I told DJ Jazzy Jeff that I was good friends with his friend Daylon. Confused about who Daylon ( my friend) was and how he was friends with him I explained that they’re only friends in his mind (lol). He laughed and then asked me had I ever thought about acting. I told him yes but I’m a singer at heart. When it was finally time for Jill Scott’s performance I quickly took my seat and watched her sing every favorite song of mine. I was surprised she never left the stage. She was absolutely amazing. She looked so beautiful and sang with so much heart and passion that it felt like time stood still just for her. As I watched her perform I felt like the little girl I once was, wanting to be a famous singer.
After the show I hung out with Anthony Hamilton’s band members and jammed to some of their original music they produced. They were impressed with my voice as well as my brilliant lyrics (lol). On my way home that night I couldn’t help but to become frustrated with my life’s journey. I get frustrated because I'm good, no really good at what I do and I just want my hard work to pay off. The more I thought about my one true passion the more anxious I became. My peaceful dream as a child was now my living nightmare. All I could think about was the one thing I’ve always desire to become and wondered if it will ever happen. The next morning I woke up and called my grandmother. I told her all about my night and how I just wished for my dream of being a famous singer would come to past. After listening to my frustration she said “Tisa there are plenty folks out there that can really sang and some are better than you, but you can’t grow weary”. She said, now the bible say ask and it shall be given to ya (I’m sure she was paraphrasing, lol) So we are gonna ask God to bless you with a good singing job that will let make enough money take care of yo folks and leave it alone ( clearly my dream isn’t just about me, lol). She told me, now bow ya head and close ya eyes and lets call on the Good Lord. And so I did as she insisted and let the Lord use her(lol). At end of the prayer she told it was our job to just stay faithful and thank God for answering oura prayer ( that’s how she talks, it’s our but she says oura, lol).
There are people who are fishing for their purpose and then there are those who are working on their purpose. I know I was born to sing and even though its get frustrating I have to keep the faith. Many will say let it go and just move on but what if Noah stop building the ark because he never saw rain. I realize sometimes faith isn’t about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but just knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel while walking a dark path.
To my friend that just wants to give up because their exhausted from working hard. The song simply says after you’ve done all you can….just stand. You (who ever you are) and I have to remain faithful even when we grow frustrated. I’ll be honest I can’t see the light at the end of my tunnel right now but I’m walking my faith and not by sight.
Til Next Time
Sunday, August 14, 2011
I moved to Atlanta eight months ago for the third time to work as a nanny for a good friend of mine. On Saturday I took her three year old son to the barber shop to get a haircut. Since I was going to the YMCA to work out after he finish getting his hair cut I decided to bring his ten month old sister along. While waiting in the barber shop for the next available barber I sat down next to an older gentleman. I was rocking the ten month old in my arms and trying to keep the three year old from tiring up the place. As the old man watched me attempt to manage two babies he leaned over and said to me; (it’s such a shame that girls your age are having babies out of wed lock and not getting a good education). At first I was confused. Then I turned to him and said, sir I’m thirty years old with a college education and these are not my children. Puzzled by my response he just sat back in his seat in silence (I guess black really don’t crack, lol). Being thirty and not looking thirty is a blessing and a curse. The blessing is I can never leave home without my driver’s license and the curse is that apparently I look like a young teenage high school dropout/ mother of bastard children. What’s sad is this man decided who I was based on not even knowing anything about me. I notice the bible in his lap and thought about the scripture that states; he who is without sin let him cast the first stone. It amazes me how many of us who are in Christ forget to be Christians (tragic just tragic).
Last week I wrote a blog that really pissed a few people off. These people are anonymous ( I have no idea who to thank for keeping it real with me, lol). A few people left comments of their opinions about me and what I need to do with my life. It was clear from the comments that these people are not people that know me and that more people read my blog than I thought. Surprised by the repsonse I thought I’d take the time out this week just to let you know who I am and why I write my blog and respond to a few comments.
My name is Lola Wilson. I am a singer from Dallas Texas and a college graduate from Clark Atlanta University. I write my blog because as crazy as it may sound I’m not the only woman that feels the honest feelings that I feel. I want people to read my blog and just laugh, or at least be relieved that their life isn’t mine. And if it just so happen that who ever is reading my clever words is going through all that I’m going through at least they’re not alone ( picture it as me giving my testimony while riding through the storm) I’m a Christian and not a virgin (Thank God I’m not going to hell). I am crazy enough to sacrifice all that I have for the one dream I believe in. I’m loving, loyal and often confused about the road less traveled. I am confident in who I am sometimes and other times I’m concerned if I am becoming who I want to be….that me in a nut shell… now on to Q&A
I was told by a reader to get back to God, my response is there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t walk with him. Another one said I was trying too hard, well thank God that hard work pays off. Someone wrote ( assuming an angry black man) I have nothing to offer why would any one want to marry me in my state. Well I had a good job, a car, and my own place and I was still single… Damn if I do and Damn if I don’t (lol). Then he or she (I’m guessing a he) said I tell too much of my business… well stop reading my blog...period. My point is, this is me (ALL OF ME)I've accepted me for who I am. The words that I write are my truth, what I experience and what I feel. My intentions are not to hurt, belittle, disrepect or offend anyone. I thought about apologizing but I'm not sorry for anything i've written. I even wanted to take some of the comments down but I'm no coward. I accpet those who love me and I accept those who don't.I can't change people's opinons about me I can only be me. I've had many people criticize me in Jesus name and thats ok because in life I have to take the good with the bad. My granny, mother and even my sister think I'm a great person while others think I am going straight to hell on a scholarship (lol)and its better too have three to love me than none at all. My ending statement "To my friend" its a general statemet it's not directed at a particular person ( duh).
To my friend (if i have one,lol) please know I write for fun, and well if its offensive to you then you should not follow me on twitter or be my friend on facebook.
Til Next Time
Friday, August 12, 2011
My birthday is coming up in a month and looking back over my life all I can say is that I never expected to be where I am today….Single! I believed in high school I would marry my high school sweet heart. It didn’t matter to me that we would be 17 hours away in college distance. I honestly believed that we would stand the test of time and our love for each other would conquer the distance between us. Then I discovered that Georgia Tech wasn’t but a few miles away from Clark Atlanta University and my high school sweet heart discovered that his black girlfriend (me) wasn’t only culture of woman that loved him dearly. He decided to test the multi cultural waters at OU. Needless to say it was in my freshman year of college that my strong belief of holy matrimony with my high school love diminished quickly. Then after him there was the one and only Uriah Gilmore. I will never forget sitting behind him at church so anxious to meet him I couldn’t concentrate on the preacher’s sermon. I figure since he had a biblical name then it was a sign from the holy one above. It was a sign alright; his sign read “HE’S Just Not that into me”. It was a slow recovery but I finally got over him rejecting me. All through my twenties I have manage to date a variety of hopeful holy matrimony contenders but due to the fear of commitment, and the sweet life of a bachelor’s life none of them ever made down it the aisle of “I do, til death do us part” at least not with me. As I approach 31 one I can’t help to feel like the character Charlotte from Sex And The City banging her head on a table crying; I’ve been dating since I was fifteen ( um more like seventeen for me), WHERE IS HE!?!?!?!
At the beginning of the year I decided that this would be the year I would meet my husband. Having made this decision I accepted a nanny job in Atlanta to prepare me for my happily ever after life. We are now eight months in the year and I ask…. OH DEAR GOD…..WHERE IS HE!?!?! From speed dating to internet dating I feel like I have tried everything. I even volunteer at work to be the greeter at the store in hopes of catching the eye of my knight and shining armor and saving me from selling over priced dresses to unemployed women who clearly can’t afford our clothes. I feel like I’ve done absolutely everything in my power in making myself available and accessible to “the one” for me. With all this hard work I can honestly say I am exhausted and at this point I quit.
My friend Cory is in town for a few days. We met up and talked about my dating drought. As I made my complaints and confessed my frustration to him, he asked me what do I want. In the middle of my “Woo It’s Me” story I stopped and he started to laugh. Of course I quickly tried to change the subject and all he did was laugh. Then he said “as usual…women just don’t know what they want. I argued and said, but I do… I want and then there was a long pause. I wanted to say I Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions but I knew that would make him laugh at me even harder. Instead I named off what I wanted to be to my husband. I told him I wanted to be a help mate and a team player to the man of my dreams. I am ready to be a wife that cooks, cleans and colors my man beautiful every day of the week. Cory listen and laugh saying “ I know what you want to be, but who do you want to be that to. Then I thought what if Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions is married or engaged (i’ll just die of a broken heart,lol) … what do I want. I realized since I couldn’t describe anyone but Calvin Johnson I needed to figure out what I want for myself. I pray day in and day out for a husband but I have yet to tell God just exactly who I want. After hanging with my friend Cory I went home and thought about Cory’s question to me; what do I want?
When I got home later that afternoon I thought about what exactly I wanted in my husband. The more I thought about it the more I realized I wasn’t clear on my wants. Before I went to bed I made a list of just what I wanted (I would share it but I don’t want to be judge). After I made my list I said prayer. I told God if he will give me the desire of my heart I will love my husband the way God has loved me (unconditionally). As I laid down I made a decision that I am worth what I want and I will no longer worry about where my husband is.
To my friend that is banging her head against the wall and or table crying ; DEAR GOD, Where is he!?!? Ask yourself the question my friend Cory asked me…What do you want. Once you and I are clear on our wants then God can do his work for us.
Til Next Time
Monday, August 1, 2011
There’s this new television show on VH1 called Single Ladies. It’s about three women living in Atlanta in search of love. As a single woman living in Atlanta in search of love all I can say is this show has got to further from the truth. Besides the terrible acting, the actresses are insanely gorgeous women who seem have no problem finding great dates with straight men, straight men that have very high profile jobs. I mean Stacy Dash character goes from dating a basketball player to dating the owner of the team her ex plays for… talk about sweet revenge. I would love to make the Titan poop in his pants by being romantically involved with the owner of the team he plays for, but unfortunately I’m not into old, rich white men with a bad Botox (lol). However dating one of his high profile teammates wouldn’t be so bad (lol)…. but then I think that would label me as a groupie and at my age a groupie stands for dirty old hoe (lol). Don’t get wrong Atlanta is filled with very successful black men but before a single girl can commit to a date with the great success of one of these men, she’s got to find if he’s gay or straight.
My manager’s birthday was this past weekend and to celebrate, he invited me and a few other coworkers out for drinks at this bar called Blakes. Blake’s is a gay bar in Midtown Atlanta. Being that I had never been to a gay bar I wasn’t sure what to except. My ignorance lead me to believe that all the men would be dressed in drag and those that weren’t would be very flamboyant about their sexuality…clearly this was not the case. There were a few men dressed as women but for the most part it was a bar full of men dressed like men. I was amazed how most of the men in this place looked like regular men and if I’d met some of these men anywhere else I wouldn’t have guessed they were gay at all. I met two very masculine doctors, a lawyer and a police officer (to think all this time I’ve been wondering where are all the successful hot black guys and to find out their at Blakes)….tragic just tragic. It blew me away how straight they appeared but straight they were not (shocking). Don’t get me wrong there were some hot mess men walking around acting foolish. Like one guy had on very short shorts that were so tight I could see the imprint of his paint brush, (tragic just tragic). I felt violated for a second by the paint brush imprint and then I realized I was in a room filled with men that had no desire to color with me (lol). Considering I was one of the very few single straight women there I thought I wasn’t going to have a good time but apparently gay men enjoy the company of a straight lady every now and again (lol). They bought me drinks and complimented me on my smile and dress while never attempting to feel me up or take me home for the night (who would have thought gay men find me more than just fuckble, lol). It was very refreshing for me to go out not having to pay an over priced coverage at the door, and have a few drinks without anyone requesting to see my vagina (lol). This gay bar was nothing like straight club where most of the women look like wanna be Beyonce’s and the men are all dressed up like fake rappers pretending to pop bottles they honestly they can’t afford. Everyone was dancing and singing and drinking without a care in the world. No was sizing each other up trying to see who looked better because let’s face it at the end of the night in the dark after a few drinks everyone looks the same to them (lol).
As I laughed and learned the words to all of Lady Gaga’s songs, I wondered if gay relationship were easier than straight relationships. To see how well mostly everyone got along surly they don’t have to worry about jealous ex-boyfriends or even cheating boyfriends for that matter. Boy was I wrong… no sooner than I walked out the bar to go home I saw two drag queens rip each others wigs and fake lashes off while having a bitch fight ( that’s what two gay men fight are called) over the bouncer. As I walk to my car it was clear that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Gay or straight there are just some men that will forever be a damn Dog!!!
To my friend that watches Single Ladies thinking there’s hope in Atlanta, trust me when I say before you say yes to a date it would be best to find out whose straight. Never the less no matter what I remain optimistic.
Til Next Time
Monday, July 25, 2011
Marion Barber is a super star NFL running back and the coolest guy I've never met. In fact he is so cool that he refers to God as Pop’s and at the end of every one of his twitter prayers he ends with Amen, Ya Dig (too funny for words). I’m not sure what he plans on doing after his football career but if he becomes a pastor of a church I’m totally attending his church service just too hear him tell his congregation “ it’s offering time Amen, Amen, Amen Ya Dig (lol).I’ve never been into guys with long dread locks but Mr. Barber makes a single girl reconsider her preference. It’s no question that Marion Barber is a saved, sanctified brotha (lol) He’s the gentleman a single girl sits next to in church and finds herself thinking sinful thoughts and completely tuning out what the preacher is saying because she’s totally surrendered to the coloring fornication thoughts in your head (tragedy, don’t judge me) She’d want to ask him out after service but considering the minor orgasm she just had in the Lord’s house it would be best for her to walk away and pray for forgiveness lol. In all honesty what makes Marion so attractive is his genuine gratitude he expresses to God and his confidence in his faith. There is a quote that he once said on Twitter that I practice daily “Remain In Praise… Ya Dig”.
January 1st of this year my friends Monica, Michelle and I created vision boards. Our vision boards are a collage of things we want and things we want to change in our lives. Smack dead in the middle of my collage I have picture of a wedding ring and next to the ring is a picture of a handsome man saying “Lola, will you marry me” and I say :yes, yes, YES I Will (lol). Here it is the 7th month of the year and I am still standing in the front of the store I work at in Lenox Mall waiting for my one love to walk in and carry me away ….tragedy (lol). Meeting my husband wasn’t the only thing I visualized myself doing this year. I mean I thought I would have that flat belly I’ve been busting my butt in the gym for by now, and a well respected entertainment manager and a huge record with my hot new single playing on the radio across the world, but nope it’s just me and my band Gravity performing where ever we can get a gig…”Dear God why hath thou forsaken MEEEEEE!?!?! (lol)”. To look at my vision board and then to look at my life it’s as if the whole year is going by fast leaving nothing for me behind but a whole lot of pointless first dates. It makes me ask questions like, why have dreams if they wont come true and why work hard when it will only leaves me wounded. As I ask myself these questions while stirring at my dreams plastered on my bed room wall and I can’t help but want to snack my vision off the wall, rip it up in a million pieces and just cry myself to sleep, but I don’t. Instead I Remain In Praise Ya Dig!!!
In as much as I don’t have all that I envisioned I would have by now I have something better and that is unshakeable faith. I believe this year God has positioned me and preparing for my ultimate life. Before my vision board I didn’t have a vision and now with a clear vision God can order my steps and for that I am grateful. Unsure of where I will sleep next week or even how I will get to work I know that I am so much closer to my heart’s desires and just knowing that I can’t help but to “Remain In Praise”
To my friend that has set goals and has dreams but the days are looking bleak Remain in Praise even on the cloudiest day God will give you a clear direction. To my friend who has joined match.com and every other dating site but yet and still you’re not having much success, I encourage you to stay faithful, he’s close. My father once said in a sermon of his that quitters never win and winners never quit. You and I aren’t quitters and when nothing else helps we must simply; Remain in Praise, Ya Dig (lol)
Til Next Time
Friday, July 15, 2011
I know it’s been a while since I’ve written anything. That doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to say it just means I’ve finally found the time to organize my thoughts and let you all know just how I’m coming along with pursuit in “Finding My Way To Love”. Between transitioning out of my nanny job, to finding another job and attending my family reunion, I’ve managed to squeeze in a few dates. One was an absolute disaster and the other was decent.
Mr. Disaster is from North Carolina and is a movie investor (so he says). He is a divorcé (not so sure if that’s true)and a father of a young boy. He took me to a Thai Restaurant, where Tiger dines when he’s in town (Tiger Woods, that is…fancy). As we sat for dinner, he took the liberty of ordering my meal. Considering I couldn’t understand the language of the menu , I was totally appreciative of him ordering for me. He had the groper and I had what looked like lamb chops This is where the disaster comes into play. As we are having dinner he started talking about traveling the world. I expressed to him that I have my passport but I haven’t been out of the country. He of course starts to talk about all the places he’s been on his private jet. Apparently he only goes to the doctor in Columbia (um, excuse me but, who goes to another country for an annual check up?!?!) As he is discussing how he only flies private a couple walked over to the table and ask him if him and his “wife” were still planning on attending a surprise party and how was his job hunt….Busted!!! When the couple walked away from our table there was an awkward silence. I couldn’t help but make a joke so I simply said; Not flying private often, are you? It was clear this date had come to an end and home was the only place for me to go.
The following day I went to work and told my co-workers all about my disaster of a date. As we laughed at the foolishness I noticed a guy walk past our store a few times. I didn’t pay much attention to him because I figured he was looking for someone. After walking back and forth the rookie finally walked in and gave me the sweet compliment. He said; I’ve been walking past this store admiring your smile. Flattered by his game, I simply said, thank you. Since I was working we quickly exchanged numbers and went on about our day. During lunch we briefly talked through text. He asked me if I went to church, of course I do. Then he said he’s in town working out for the NFL and wanted to know if he could go to church with me. Church for date, my granny would just love him (lol). Sunday finally arrived and off to church we went. He wasn’t familiar with the city so I offered to drive. He was a gentleman, opening my car door, and the church doors for me, he was so sweet and so fine ( defensive back, tall, dark and handsome, just how I like em (lol)) Lord I pray that my coloring thoughts get thee behind me …Amen. As we sat down for service he held my hand and kissed it. I thought the gesture was sweet but a bit much for strangers. When we stood up for praise and worship he grabbed my hand again and he never let it go. When he wasn’t holding my hand he was rubbing my knee. It was really sweet, but I still say it was a whole lot for Jesus (lol). After church we went and had brunch. While eating brunch I learned that he wasn’t a drinker, or a smoker, he was just a simple guy from up north. He just finished college and he stays in panic mode regarding the lockout. The whole time he talked the only thing I could think about was my age, I’m 30. I’m 30 and ready to get married and have children I can’t marry a child…I mean what would Jesus do ?!?!(lol). At the end of our date he asked me could we hangout again before we left. Once again I was flattered but honesty is the best policy. I told him that I thought he was the most amazing man I had been out with in a long time but I’m 30 and I’m ready to get married and have children. I said; you’re young very young and you’re a rookie, you should enjoy your youthful rookie years with groupies and cheerleaders and whatever else in thrown at you (lol). We both laughed and agreed to stay in touch. He even told me when all this lockout stuff was over and he gets to play out his dream, he was flying me to New York to see him in action…that is if I’m not married with kids (lol).
Later that night I gave my favorite grandmother a ring, to tell her all about disaster and decent date. When I told her how Mr. Disaster lied about having a job and being married she said; Tisa if a nigga will lie he sho nuff will commit adultery. I know you fornicate but fooling around with a married man will only lead you straight to hell, and I Know you don’t wont to go to hell (of course I don’t)!!!(lol). I laughed so hard I had to catch my breath before I started talking about my decent young buck. Being the saved, sanctified Sunday school teacher/minister, she is, she loved the church going brotha, Mr.Decent. I had to break the news to her that he was too young and there wont be a second date. She was disappointed but said: well, I feel like you getting close to something. So keep prayin, asking The Good Lord to send you someone that will love you and wont lie, cheat, and beat on ya.
To my friend that has had a few disaster dates and even a few decent that may not be the one do my granny has suggested. Honey just keep prayin that the good Lord send you a husband that wont lie, cheat, or beat yo ass. Believe me I’m praying the same prayer.
Til Next Time
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Last week I had three dates with three guys who happen to have the same name, Jay. I thought it was a little odd to meet three guys with the nickname Jay but I really thought it was insane to know that Jay was short for same first name (lol). Jay #1 was a bartender who had way to many children for me to even consider a second date, Jay #2 was strange, he was as my grandmother would say, a little funny i.e. gay. How do I know this!?!? Because he has a cat as a pet and he calls her pussy … nuff said (lol). And then there was Jay #3, I met him at a sports bar while watching the game with friends. He was from Miami but does a lot of business in Atlanta. I found his confidence to be very sexy and after talking for about an hour or so, I figured he'd be someone good to go out with.
The night of our date he took me to The Oceania, which was nice. I played it safe and didn’t order from the coloring side of the menu (lol). I mean I liked him but not enough to color. While we waited for our food we engaged in light conversation. I told him that I moved to Atlanta to pursue my music career and also to find love. He then asked me what was I looking for in a man. I told him I wanted a man with who is smart, handsome, mature, respectful, honest and financially wise, meaning he’s not going to make it rain at a strip club with our mortgage payment (lol) . He then asked me if I was a sexual person?!?! Trying to figure out just where that question came from I answered, well I was conceived from sex so I guess that makes me a sexual being (lol). Of course he laughed and then asked me when was the last time I colored. Shocked and embarrassed by his inappropriate questions I went to the bathroom to do a self evaluation. I wanted to make sure I wasn’t giving off some type of aggressive coloring vibe that he could pick up on. I was wearing jeans and a tank top with a cute jacket, not an easy access mini skirt. Unsure of his motives I went back to the table and instead of answering his question, I asked him some questions. I asked him what his credit score was, and how much money did he make a year. Caught off guard with my questions he nearly choked and responded “ I don’t think that’s any of your business”. I told him I couldn’t have agreed with him more. I stood up from the table grabbed my purse, and calmly used my inside voice and I told him that his questions about my coloring affairs were rude and insulting. I even told him that taking me to a pricy restaurant for some pussy was downright tacky. Before he could even respond I walk away with my head held high out the door. When I got to my car I realized I forgot my damn food. My pride wanted me to just drive off but it’s not every day I get to eat fancy food from a fancy restaurant (lol). So I walked back in and asked the waiter if he’d go get my doggy bag off the table. As he gave me my food he whispered nice move (lol)
The next day I called my grandmother and told all about my terrible date. At the end of my complaining about my tragic experience, my grandmother said ; Well Tisa I hate that boy acted like that with you but all I can say is’ a nigga is a nigga, is a nigga, is a nigga and a pussy, is a pussy, is a pussy. When a nigga see a pussy sometimes they just lose the common sense the good Lord gave them. She said you did right by just leaving his ass sitting here, but honey if that were me I’d told him to go fuck a duck (ROLMAO). Needless to say I was no longer upset over my terrible date, thanks to my granny making laugh so hard I had to catch my breath (lol).
To my friend who finds themselves going on dates this jerks like Jay #3, trust me I feel your pain. But in the words of my grandmother, all I can tell you is a nigga, is a nigga, is a nigga and a pussy is a pussy, is a pussy. And when I nigga gets around a pussy they just lose the common sense the good Lord gave them.
Til Next Time
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
As most of you know I have committed myself to recording my album independently....meaning I am investing everything I have from time, money, heart and soul into my very own project. I have been holding on to my one dream for a very very very long time and if I died tomorrow I couldn't blame anyone but me for not making my one dream come true. So with all of that being said I have Great News!!! The first song titled "Where Do I Go" from my upcoming project "Simply Lola" is now available for purchase @ http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/lolasimone for just .99cents :)
You guys (my family and friends) are all I have as a fan base and words cannot express how I thank you guys for supporting thus far. Whether it be faithfully coming to early morning service at my Dad’s church just to hear me sing the same hymns over and over and over again, or at a whole in the wall night club, I thank you for just sticking by me and believing in me enough to just listen to my gift of song. I am in the beginning stages of really getting my project off the ground. I still need all of you guys love and support. So I am asking all of you all to go buy my song. I'm not trying to become super rich off of this single I'm just simply doing the best I can by making a name for myself...so please pay it forward!!! The more people know about me the closer I will be at fulfilling my lifelong dream. So once again go to http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/lolasimone download and please leave a positive comment on the website.
Thanks again for all your support, and just know this is just the beginning there's so much more to come.
Til Next Time
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
There is a difference between bad days and just down right shitty days. Bad days are usually a day where you receive tragic news like your favorite aunt passed away from old age. It's just one piece of news that you get out of no were on a normal day. A shitty day however, is a day where you are late for work because you over slept, your car is on empty but you only have $10 to your name, gas is $4 a gallon and you don't get paid for another two weeks. Finally you get to work and your boss is mad because the day you needed to be on time you're late. And for that you get a verbal and written warning for your tardiness.Then your boss realizes that you are on your third strike and so you get fired. Only to get home and hear that your favorite aunt died from old age. So now you have very little to no gas, no money, no job and no more favorite aunt. Shitty, as you can see are days were everything falls apart on after another. Today I am having a shitty day for.
I woke up this morning running late to work. Only to get to work and find a collection of silly mistakes in my work area. I am a college graduate that is struggling to do something as simple as ship off packages to its correct address, and carelessly leaving my register open over night ( thankfully no money is in the drawer). Not only that but the Titan is in town and I want to see him but if I do see him what will happen...my friends will declare me as the dumb girl that keeps falling for a love that is not attainable, if I don't see him I will wish I saw him. On top of that I still have got to find a place to stay and time is running out. Last but not least I reviewed my back account and my cell phone provider charged me twice leaving me in the negative balance and I ask you what did i do to deserve this?!?!?. This my friend is a very shitty day.
It's days like these that a single woman wishes even more that she had a man ( a least I do) With everything going wrong I'd give anything to hear him ( whoever he is) say ...Aww baby it's ok and then make me laugh for a few seconds, taking me to dinner late. Instead I have to resort to going in the bathroom to cry like a baby on my fifteen minute break, and beg God to have a little mercy, because drinking on the job is automatic termination (lol). After begging and pleading with God to please just help me get through the day I take a deep breath and continue to survive the day. I go back to my work area review my mistakes make the corrections and move forward hoping I have a job on Monday (lol). Then I call my bank and cell phone provider and let them know what has happen so they can make the necessary correction ( give me my money back!). As for a place to stay I have faith I will find one, and as far as the Titan, well I just don't know yet. I can only trust I do whats best for me.
After a few tears and simple pray I don't feel 100% better but I realize that I'm not dying even though I felt like it, shit happens. To my friend who feels like life has pooped all over you, trust me I know that feeling. Most mistakes can be corrected and the ones that can't you live, learn and just move on. Shitty days happen but they do get better.
Til Next Time
Saturday, May 21, 2011
It has gotten to be a routine for my friends to call me with a disclaimer stating that whatever we talk about is between us and they don’t want to see our discussion in my next blog (lol). As a friend I would never tell the world my friends fornication confessions. I would never say anything about my friends new boyfriend’s paint brush curves to the right a little (he’s got the hook) or that one of them had a blind date who turns out to be a professional stalker. I would never tell anyone about the freaky role playing my friend enjoys with her “secret lover”. I pride myself in being a good friend and would never share my friends fornication confessions, their secret are totally safe with me (lol)
Confessions are private thoughts that for some reason haunt us until we break down and tell someone we can trust and wont judge us. Catholics confide in priests and my friends confide in me. As for me I make my confessions to my sister. My sister was without a phone this week and that left me traumatized. What was I going to do!?!? Who else was I going to talk to about my colorless life. With my sister not having a phone and my friends working real jobs (the type of jobs that require you to produce work) I had no other choice but to …BLOG.
Stress has gotten the best of me. So much is going in my life. My nanny gig will be over sooner, much sooner than I expected and I have to find a place to live. Which means I have got to get another job because I only work part time at Barneys New York Co-OP ( I’ll be damn to let go of that job) and I have to find a place to stay within three weeks ( anyone know someone with a room for rent). Not only that but I have to find a place that has good access to the bus and train station, because with my nanny job being over I have to leave the car with the family. With my life changing drastically I find myself wanting to just run away, not just run away but run away in the arms of a strong, sexy, black ( not blue black, just black) man. Yall know how I love a big guys, like Tommie Harris (is he single). At this very moment one can say I am on edge and would like to relieve the stress of my world through coloring. As a woman with morals I am not suppose to say this. I am suppose to go to church, and pray. But even a woman with morals wants to have a hoe moment. A moment where she can color without being self conscious or worried about being noted or judge from a Strawberry letter on the Steve Harvey Morning Show. You can say what you want but women with morals we’re a little jealous of hoes/groupies. I mean hoes/groupies not only get to cum while coloring but they gets paid for it. Ok some will call their life style prostitution but I call it smart. Let me be real; there have been times were I just wished I could have told a brotha to pay me for his poor performance.
One may ask so why don't I just go flirt with the first fine man that approaches me and get on!?!?Well to answer the question it has crossed my mind but the chances of it being worth a good joy ride are 50/50. It's clear my painter would be a liberating moment (one night stand. Either way if its good I will only escape my life just for a few hours, if its bad i will only want to take his life in less than an hour (lol). In as much as I want to feel the deep strokes of a masculine man paintbrush stroking deep strokes one after another (lol)I just need to relax, have a glass of wine go to sleep and activate the words of my friend Omari, just embrace my struggle(lol).
To my friend who had found herself in a bind and just wants to conform to the ways of coloring with a liberating moment. Trust me I am there with you, but if we surrender to our emotions we'll kick ourselves in the morning. So embrace your struggle enjoy a glass of wine. If nothing else you’ll have a good night sleep, waking up focusing on what’s important.(lol)
Til Next Time
Friday, May 20, 2011
The big news this past week was Kim Kardashian is getting married to a basketball player that is only famous because he has committed to only coloring with a woman who has made a name for herself by coloring with many. Can you believe it a woman who is known for coloring with all shades of men is saying "I Do" to um...what is his name...um something Humpfry or Murffy. Not only that but video vixen Amber Rose is telling all her fornication confessions and how she is more than Fuckable to Vibe Magazine this month. Who would have thought!?!?!, both women are famous for becoming sex goddess through leaking private porn of their own and dating super stars that the simple girl like me only dream about while pleasing ourselves. Some may say I'm hating, and you're absolutely right. I hate that I have been carefully counting my coloring painters and these two have been coloring with countless men (sorry, emotional venting,lol). Have you any idea how many men I've turn down all for the sake of my reputation...LOTS. I may not have a big butt or a banging body but I got damn good skin, and a beautiful smile (lol). Of course these men I'vee said no to weren't super star either, they were more like super freaks,but that's not the point, I still said no...well sometimes (lol). These women waste no time jumping from one man to another, while I am just waiting for one...just one. I'm sure these ladies are great women with a brain to match their exotic booty's and bodies, but it just suck for a lady like me who's waiting for love to find out that you don't have to be a lady at all to get love (lol)
Like many of us single ladies, I've wasted time trying to complete with the Kim Kardashians, and Amber Roses of the world and totally dismissing other things in my life like my music.Oh sure these are the women men say they love to look at but don't want but the truth is if the opportunity presented itself they'd be all over any video vixen, playboy bunny that gave them the time of day(lol,but that's neither here nor there. I may not have an ass like Kim Kardashian or killer body like Amber Rose but what I have that they don't have is raw talent. I can sang like it aint nothing honey. And with my basic booty and average body I can sing so good it will have any man moving to a rhythm that makes him want to color me beautiful.
I've always wanted to record my very own album but of course I've been waiting for a label to sign me. Times have changed and now a days I don't need a label to record an album, all I need is me, my music and a really good producer. I have all of these things, so as I wait for him (again, who ever he is...lol) I am recording my very own album, having my first song to be put on itunes at the end of this week...I'm so excited.
There's a quote on my vision board that says "I started winning when I stopped whinnying". It's a waste of time to dwell on things, be it a man, child, or new job, that we don't have. Waiting is a time to maximize life with what you do have. Waiting is not a time to wait for life to happen but its a time to create and explore every way possibility we may have. To my friend who is ready and waiting for love to come, for him to love you.You and I both know we are loving creatures and as we wait for him we will love what we have and maximize our time by using our talents and gifts to creat life.
Til Next Time
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I’ve been in Atlanta for about 5 months now and I am home sick. The truth is I have no idea why I even moved back here in the first place. I blame the Titan, had he just ignored at that one party instead of telling me he loved me I would be in Dallas happy and hating him (lol). I moved here to find love and pursue my music career. I’m so tired of my music career I could just scream. I have been professionally working on this thing for 10 years and the most I’ve gotten from it is a lot of disappointment (kinda like my dates lately lol). The one thing that keeps me going is my friend Cory, he’s always making sure I am staying on top of things (got to love him ). Honestly, I’d rather be married coloring with my husband than running from party to party, networking event to networking trying to figure out whose real and who’s fake. I’m so exhausted. I feel like I want to be rescued from myself, if that makes any sense. Where are you, handsome black prince, take me away and spoil me with your love day and night (deep sigh). Now that I think about it, what straight woman moves to Atlanta for love!?!? As much I would love to sugar code it, Atlanta has got more flaming female wanna be’s than anything else I know. All the more reason I am not coloring at this time, I don’t know whose straight or who’s gay or who’s straight and gay (lol). So I just keep my cookies in my cookie jar. Love is not on my side in Atlanta neither is the music world, yet I press on .
I miss home so much. I miss my niece and nephew (his birthday party was last week, and I wasn’t there ) I miss my drunk uncles and their drama filled girlfriends, I miss my sister threatening her to beat her kids with their own legs if that show out at school. I miss calling my friend Robyn at the last minute begging her to go to a party with me knowing she has got to be at work early in the morning. I miss having drinks with Lauren at Houlahans (happy hour Friday nights). I my friends Daylon and Reggie being annoyed with me because I’m trying to tag along everywhere they go (lol) I even miss running into the Titan at a party and ignoring him the whole night as if I could careless if he was there. I really got good at pretending to not care (lol). I mostly miss singing with my mom on Sundays mornings. Singing at the am service was the only thing we really shared a bond doing. The praise and worship songs never changed Glory, Glory Hallelujah Since I laid my burdens down (lol). I miss everything but I can’t go back because I’m crying like a baby. I have to stay and make the most of this interesting situation I’m in.
Every time something doesn’t go my way I want pack up and move. Even with men, they make me mad I just walk away without working it out, ignoring the mess I made. Not this time! I’m determine to create a master piece out of this moving mess I’ve made. I realize that singing the shoulda, coulda, woulda song only gets in the way of me living my life, and really exploring my options. I’m a grown woman and it is high time I start taking responsibility for my actions and accepting the choices I’ve made. Things are not that bad I am in two bands and I am recording my music, it just a very, I mean very slow process. I just wish things were better and moving faster, and that I could get some damn sleep. Oh how I would give anything for some S.L.E.E.P. I remember what my friend Angela said to me a while back; when you can’t do anything about your outside world just wake up every morning and say “This Is The Day That The Lord Has Made, I Will Rejoice, and Be Glad in it. So for now that is exactly what I am going to do.
To my friend who is home sick, trust me, I understand the feeling. Throwing in the towel now would be useless. You and I may not can change our outside world situations but we can change how we live within them. Embrace how you feel and just know “This Is The Day That The Lord Has Made, I Will Rejoice and Be Glad In It.
Til Next Time
Friday, May 13, 2011
Every Sunday I call my grandmother just to check and see how she’s doing. This week I was talking to her and she was telling me about a old white man who asked her how does she stay looking so young and pretty. She told me with confidence; I told that white man I don’t drink, I don’t smoke and I don’t commit adultery!(lol) I laughed so hard and said; well Granny I don’t smoke and I don’t commit adultery either(lol). She said whispering as if she didn’t want my grandfather to her, I know you don’t commit adultery cause you aint married, but Tisa ( that’s what she calls me) you do fornicate, you got stop letting niggas play in ya tail. She said; I need to wait on the good Lord to send you a good husband that don’t beat on ya who aint a sorry ass and then you let him love on ya ( my granny has such a way with words…lol) and to think this is the same woman that is an ordain minister, the president of the womens mission board for the National Southern Baptist Convention and teaches Sunday school classes every Sunday
After talking to my grandmother I got to thinking about my blog “More Than Just Fuckable”. To say the least I got more comments on my facebook page than I’ve ever gotten about anything I’ve ever written. Many women found my writing on point and very funny, while others (mostly church going, bible totting judgmental Christians, and a few angry men ...lol) found it offensive. A former member of my dad’s church sent me a message on facebook deeply expressing her concerns about my being promiscuous. When I read her message I was flattered that she thought I had such an active coloring life. I informed her that there was no need to worry I have paused all coloring activity until I meet the man I will spend the rest of my life with. No sooner than I sent her that message it was if the flood gates of horny had open up.I woke the next morning needing an orgasm (lol) I went to the gym early as usual to work off the intention and it looked as though I walked into a world of shirtless men. Every man with a six to eight pack stomach was determine to show off their muscles. With water was glistening all over their body ( Martin Lawrence) Oh Lord give me strength. I went to work and what do you know my first assignment of the day was to undress the male manikins for a floor change. The male manikins at Barney’s New York are not your usual manikins, oh no these manikins are have artificial packages (if you know what I mean) and they come with pretty nice size packages, I must say the turn off is they’re blue plastic people (literally the color blue) Having to put pants on fake men while looking directly at their paintbrushes was frustrating than using a vibrator and having it cut off right in the middle of a happy ending because the batteries go dead. At the end of the day I felt like such a hypocrite. Here I am writing about how I have more than just a good time , or jumpoff and now I’m lying in my bed wanting to feel the opposite sex jump on top of me giving me a good time (tragic just tragic). I mean really, I just preached to the world that I am a lady who deserves to be loved, adored and respected, but know I'd give anything for some deep brush strokes while pulling my hair just a little ending with a good night sleep....don't judge :/
So what do I do? My grandmother said to wait on the good Lord to send me a husband. But just how long do I have to wait. I'm a middle aged woman with physical needs (lol). It sucks being a woman sometimes,our emotions have a mind of their own leading us one step at a time to the crazy house (lol). Don't get me wrong i really want to be a in a passionate, loving, romantic relationship with my dream lover but at the say time I have needs....physical needs that are really playing on my physiological emotions. The truth is I don't have many options at the moment so for right now I will take my granny’s advice and just wait on the good Lord to send me a husband that don’t beat or treat me bad and color with him as much as possible, making up for lost time (lol). F.Y.I; I’m only doing this for as long as I can.
To my friend who feel like a freaky hypocrite. I don’t know what to tell but honey I feel ya (lol). Follow the advice of Lola Mae ( my grandmother) for as long as you can. But if just can’t wait I understand and wont judge you (lol).
Til Next Time
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Last year I volunteered for “The Roy Williams Safety Net Foundation”, Roy Williams of the Cincinnati Bengals , that is, not the rude wide receiver of the Dallas Cowboys . I took on being a full time volunteer because it kept me busy. 2010 wasn’t the worst year of my life but it was pretty bad. I was back in Dallas with no car, no job, no money and living with my parents. I had given up everything for my big dreams of being a star in the ATL. In a nut shell life happens and that’s that. One could say Roy’s foundation was my safety net from falling into a great depression. I woke every morning faithful at 8am and rode the bus down town, hitched a ride with my friend Daylon and answered the phones and emails everyday for months. Working mostly around men I got to know how they think, and understand their nature a little more. There are two things they taught me indirectly and directly. They taught me that men are simple and don’t need closure to move one. I’m a woman, meaning I’m complicated and I need whatever I start to have an ending. It’s like coloring; if a man is going to paint on my canvas I need him to complete the picture with a satisfying orgasm.
Saturday night I went to a friend of mines boyfriends fight party, which meant there were going be M.E. N. in the building (lol). When I arrived to the party I was excited, bubbly, and ready to flirt. After being there for a few minutes I realized that my friend’s boyfriends guest were a bunch of stiffs. There were mostly couples engaging in “new married life” conversation and the single guys that were there had ego’s bigger than their paint brushes (penises) I drew the conclusion very early that there would be no love matches for me that night, and that I wasted a perfectly good sexy outfit on pure boredom. In as much of the party being a drag I didn’t want to go home, so I stayed. As sat in a seat in the corner of have large house and remembered how much the Titan loved boxing. This particular fight sold out in 48 hours, I wondered if the Titan was one of the few to get a ticket in such little time. So I texted him and asked. He responded telling me he had some business to take of elsewhere and couldn’t make it Vegas. It was with my simple text that we engaged in small talk via text. Nothing serious just questions like how was I doing, what’s been going on in our lives, blah, blah, blah. With the lock out and all he’s manage to keep himself pretty busy. Working so hard, he called me later that night to find out who won the big fight. I told him Pacquia punch Suga Shan Mosley out and laughed like old times. Our laughing grew to an awkward silence and out of no where the Titan, got serious. He asked me why has it been so long sense we’ve seen each other. Searching for a clever lie to tell, like I’ve been so busy with music and my new boyfriend that I don’t have I found the truth and said because I don’t trust myself around him. Respecting my honest answer he opened up and became honest with me. For an hour and a half the Titan told me how he actually felt about me, and I was silent the whole time (I know, shocking). I listened to him tell me the sexiest thing about me was me just being me. He told me he had never met a woman that made him want to be a better man, and how I challenge him to face himself and deal with who he is.
As I listen to him talk to me about me I made sure my ears took every word in, and my heart embraced every statement with love. At the end of our talk he let me know that all he ever wanted for me was to be happy and that I deserve the best, be it music or a man. He made me promise I would never settle for less.
I accepted a while ago that the Titan and I would probably never live happily ever after together forever.But I’m a woman and that means I still need closure, and that’s just what I got…closure. To my single friend needing closure from your own love warrior, all I can say is it will come when you least expect it. It will come at a time when you are ready to accept the truth and ready to move on.
Til Next Time
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
At the beginning of the year (actually New Years day) I created a vision board. It was my way of telling the universe/ God what I wanted in and for my life. On my vision board, I put pictures of objects that symbolized love and commitment with the man of my dreams. I even put words that described our relationship. Like, leader, romance, love, trust, magnetic personality, friendship, made for me, man of style and so on an so forth. I even creatively made a figure of a man saying “Lola will you marry me”(lol). Not only did I do a vision board, but I went on a fast for 30 day …30 DAYS of just beans, water, fruit and vegetables minus butter, sugar, and anything else making vegetables worth eating. To top off the vision board and the 30 day fast, I get up every morning and workout like I’m training for a damn triathlon.Oh and did I mention I too know Jesus (lol) I do all of this only find men only interested in my Vagina!!!(the most non productive part of my body)!
I've been on a few dates this year with a few different guys and it seems that the only thing any of these men seem to be interested in is my vagina. It doesn’t matter that I watch sport center, or that I am a college graduate with long term goals, having hobbies like volunteering at elementary schools with at risk youth, because most of the men want to know can I make my pussy clap(tragic just tragic). I go on these dates with high hopes with great expectations, ready to converse about current events, the NFL draft, NBA playoffs, and the Royal Wedding (hey, I’m a girl, lol) only for the guy to be itching to pinch a titty, grab my ass, and play in between my thighs. As shocking as this may sound men I am more than just Fuckable! I can do more then just moan and groan pretending to enjoy the gabbing of your penis during a night of non passionate four play.
I find it interesting that my vagina is more interesting than anything else I have to offer. It’s as if men feel like it's a form of art designed differently on each woman they encounter. It’s not. Unless a woman has patiently be dazzled her private parts for fun, most of them look the same, and do the same. It gets wet, it has a g-spot ( some more hidden than others), if you hit the spot right it will squirt bodily fluids on to your sheets. It bleeds and it comes with baggage. Nothing more and certainly ,nothing less.
I know I sound overly emotional but something has got to give. Of course I ( as do many women) enjoy the art of coloring. But there comes a point in a woman’s life where we don’t just want be fucked and forgotten before we can even leave the man’s home. I can only speak for me but coloring with no connection can make a woman feel as if we don' count, mostly not matter. I mean most of us are aware of the situations we put ourselves in but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. It’s like you go over a guy’s house or the other way around only to wake up having to put the pieces of our self-esteem/self-worth back together attempting to make us whole, yet again. Kind of like a wealthy man who only is worth a fuck because of his financial wealth.If i asked a man what his bank account was looking like, I'de classified as a gold digging hoe,but would I be wrong. No! because pussy pampering cost, and if you gone play in it then by all means pay ya dame pussy bill (lol). Then lies the question why do it, why have a one night stand, or give into the temptation coloring activity when we (better yet, I)know its a dead end to misery.The answer is simple, because we want to be desired and not be alone…even if it’s for a few hours. I'm at a point ( as many women my age are) where I want to be desired for a life time by one man. I want to be kissed by someone that remembers the color of my eyes. I want to make love to someone and not have to immediately look for my shoes, panties, and bra having to rush out the door because I don’t want to wear out my welcome. I know men are visual people, all I am asking is that I would be visualized as beautiful , and smart, not just Fuckable (lol).
To the guy reading this ready to battle in a debate, I’m sure you just want to have fun for one night. I believe you should do just what you want to do, just don’t ask me on a date because I am more than just fuckable(lol).
Til Next Time