Finding My Way To Love

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Winter Secrets

Winter Secrets

I am the oldest out my sister and me. When people find out that my sister is a mother of two they automatically ask “well Lola why aren’t you having children” and I respond because I use condoms…moving right along. I have a smart mouth and a feisty personality. A man once told me I was a bold little something. At times, I am aggressive and direct. My style is interesting (I think miss matching is very much so matching) My theory is, if my attitude matches the look then I can work the outfit. Finally yet importantly, I am open. My mother says I keep no secrets about myself and she is right.

What are secrets? To me they are mysteries that are hidden for various reasons. I once had a secret lover. He was this attractive, bold head, a body to die for, handsome thang…lol (whew ..flash The most interesting part of our relationship was that no one knew we knew each other. No one would ever put us together. I found it very fun to be out in the same place, get a glance at him noticing me and only me in the mist of hundreds of people. No words uttered it public only in private. When the cat was out the bag the relationship was no longer a secret and the mystery was no long there. The relationship was over (tragdey). I worked so hard to keep us a secret. I only wanted him to see me Lola the singer, with confidence, sexy, funny, and daring side. The other side was not as attractive. He once asked me why didn’t I ever open up to him and give him all of me, what was I hiding. The truth was I didn’t want him to reject me because of my flaws, I was too scared he wouldn’t like the less attractive side.

I started writing this blog thinking I was going just tell my experience of becoming a singer and “making it “. I only thought that I was going to tell stories of great parties and famous people. Although these things sound good and are very interesting there is so much more to my journey and to who I am. What makes me good at what I do is that I no longer hide who I am. The mistakes I’ve made create unique songs, and a broken heart gives great sound when I am performing. My emotions are no different from anyone else. I have this saying: It is my responsibility as an artist to paint musical pictures of all emotions so people won’t forget how to feel what they feel. I want people to read my words and for a few minutes know that we share the same secrets.

Secrets are hidden so no one will see who we are, or know what mistakes we have made. The less people know the less they can talk. Well the more secrets we hide the heavier our soles get. We begin to spend more time hiding and less time growing. This leaves us unable to enjoy life and learn love. I don’t have secrets anymore because I don’t want to hide anything good or bad. Its my good that molds my bad and my bad becomes good, and my good becomes GREAT!

Just like season change so do our lives. Trees look and appear lifeless in the winter. In spring their leave have color and their beauty is exposed. It’s the same with us. Our winters of worry, fear, doubt, rejecting, weakness, and pain will eventually give us color that will shine in confidence, strength, power, and beauty. This week allow your winter secrets to spring into beautiful stories

Til Next Week


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Little Girl Inside of Me

Valentines Day has come and gone and I just knew I was going to tell the world about my dream lover. The story would have been great. Picture this, me dancing to a hot song with friends and out of nowhere I am taped on the shoulder by this handsome man, dressed with swag and charm, asking me my name. Well the night went more like this: I was dancing with friends to a hot song and out of no where I was taped on the should by my liberating moment (one nightstand) asking me did I remember him (of course I do we had sex) … and the nightmare begins…lol.

So why didn’t I meet the great man of my dreams. I’m glad you asked, the answer is I have no idea. I am not perfect but who is. I tried to justify my not meeting Mr. Right by lying to myself, but that didn’t work. Here are a few of the lies I told myself

1. Men just can’t handle my independence ( um lola you live with your parents , they filed you as a dependant on their taxes …just exactly where is your independence)
2. Guys are intimidated by me ( hmm, yeah I really put the fear of God in men with my Colgate smile …its so serious, boy I tell ya, you don’t want mess with me buddy…lol)
3. God is still working on him for me ( really…um yeah okay…whatever)
The more I tried to lie to myself the more I realized it was useless. Therefore, I continued to ask more question (brilliant):
1. OMG was the Titan the last man for me.
2. Did I love the Titan so much that I have exhausted the possibility of being able to love again?
3. Did I screw up so bad with the Titan that God just won’t trust me with another man?

The last time I saw the Titian I made a complete ass of myself. I was so nervous and uneasy I had three too many drinks. I was a hot mess. That night will forever be the most embarrassing moment of my life. For some reason as much as I want to let go, the little girl inside of me is waiting for him to come back. She is expecting him to see the good in the person I am. The little girl inside of me is still waiting for him to apologize and love me with all his heart.

I had a little talk with the little girl inside of me on Monday night and said: If I am ever going to move forward, I have to stop waiting for him. I told the little girl inside of me that it was time let the dreams I once had die and to start dreaming new dreams. Tears from every which way began to pour down my face. The little girl inside of me kept asking why and I didn’t have an answer. All I could say is that its okay to feel the love that I have for him. Its okay to miss him, but its not okay to hold me back any more from what I deserve.

I woke up the next morning looking at the stains from the tears that the little girl inside of me left on my face. I took a deep breath and told the little girl inside of me that it was time to put on those big panties and be proud for just getting through the night.

In life you can’t just throw the bags of hurt away, we have close the door and shut the windows that it came through. We have to in some way find closure and comfort in who we are so we can move forward.

Til Next Week

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Always Prepared

Always Prepared
This past weekend I had another audition for a play. While waiting to audition I sat next to two women who had come to support their friend who was auditioning for the same play. As one of the young ladies got up to go to the restroom she tripped over the other friend’s purse. Frustrated by her fall she asked her friend why she had such a large bag. The friend responded with confidence “Girl this is my coochie don’t fail me now bag” OMG! I immediately stop going over my lines and memorizing my song and look at the young lady puzzled, thinking “did she just say what I think she said” knowing just what I was thinking she nodded with agreement while eating corn starch from a large container. I couldn’t help myself I had to ask what was in her coochie don’t fail me now bag. She gladly responded and said “Girl I got my good wig, a pair of fresh panties, some smell good, an extra pair of eye lashes ( blinking and saying, cause I like to look a certain way), condoms(she don’t do kids), wipe cream, and three lip glosses because they were three for a dollar at the beauty supply. As creative as I am I promise I am not in any way making this up. It’s clear this lady was ghetto fabulous at its best…lol. Her actions and attitude showed that no matter what, she didn’t care that she was around perfect strangers, or the type of environment she was in, she was consistent in being herself. Not only that she was a woman who knew what she wanted and prepared herself to receive it. At the end of the day I had to respect her honesty and admire her preparation.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. In all of my twenty nine years of living the only true Valentine I have ever really had was my father freshman year of college (he sent me flowers because I had just broke up with my high school sweet heart). Every year I wonder when or if I will ever be someone’s valentine, when will someone love me with all their heart (you know all the girlie stuff). Oh what I would do for a dozen roses…lol. So this year I made decision that I will meet my husband on Valentine’s Day. I don’t know where I will be or even who it will be, all I know is that February 14, 2010 I will meet my husband. I wrote down a detailed list of my Mr. Right in my journal. I am so sure of this that I talk about my husband with excitement, and confidence all the time. My friends Lauren and Kim laugh but are very supportive. My granny says you have not because you ask not (I think it’s in the bible I just haven’t ran across that scripture yet…lol) I asked God to meet my request I decided to take the approach the young lady did with her bag . Since the beginning of the year I have been preparing myself for the day I meet my husband. I’ve gotten rid of my unnecessary baggage and made a list of things to do (improve)
1. Prayer ( Lord now you know what I like and don’t like...Amen)
2. Kanye West Workout (One and two get them sit ups right in…lol)
3. Accepting myself for who I am, and Confidence in who I am (a have spent a lot of time trying prove myself to men, seeking for approval only to be rejected. I’m not perfect and I have made mistakes yet and still I am worth all that I desire to have).
4. Forgiveness of myself (I am quick to blame myself and beat myself up over relationships that didn’t work out, well no more..Lola I forgive you! Can’t change the past, moving forward)
5. Domestics (each week since Christmas I have cooked a meal, and each week I am getting better every time. Of course I wash and clean that was never a problem)

Here is my theory ,I believe we have free will for a reason. We are made in God's image (so why limit ourselves) whatever we want whatever we desire we can have it, but we have to receive direction and guidance. We have to be prepared for what we want. Just like the lady at the audition. Right or wrong, good or bad she identified what she wanted and prepared herself to receive it. This week if there is something that your heart desires, develop an attitude that you all ready have it. Prepare for it, activate your faith and live it. Don’t worry about the “what if”, just know when it’s time you’re prepared *wink*
Til Next Week

P.S. Wrecked But Not Totaled Show Dates Are:
June 25-27, tickets are $25 general admissions, and $35 VIP

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Underestimated Expectations

Underestimated Expectations:

While living in Atlanta, GA I attended the BMI music showcase after party. Many, many celebrities filled Club Door 44. I some how got lost in the shuffle and was unable to locate my friends. After growing tried of looking for them, I decided to take a rest and have a seat. Next to where I was sitting was the VIP booth for pro NFL player Braylon Edwards. Mr. Edwards approached me not one but three times explaining that his section started were I was sitting. I got very annoyed the third time he came over so I decided to just move to the bar and get a glass of wine. I grabbed my drink and low and behold as I was turning around …guess who…OMG!!! there he was again in my face (breathe). Before he could even open his mouth I said with much attitude, in a sarcastic tone “sir, look I have moved ...can please stop being such an asshole to me”. I even introduced him to a girl standing behind me and encouraged him to talk to her. He laughed and said, “I was coming to apologize for being rude and if I would like to go out with him before he left town”. I wanted to be Miss Independent, roll my eyes and say no, but I was tired of eating pizza from my job. Therefore, I agreed to go out only if we weren’t having pizza. He agreed, and let me tell you it felt so good to eat Gladys Knight Chicken and Waffles. I never thought chicken and waffles could taste so good in ALL OF MY LIFE>>>LMAO Bad situations can some times have a happy endings.

Last week I had an audition for a play called “Wrecked but Not Total” from the title it is clear that it’s a gospel play. When I walked in for my audition, I could tell that the casting director was not expecting much from me. Her facial expression showed that she had been filled with disappointments and I was no different from the other failures. As I took center stage, she asked me my name and the title of the song that I would be singing. I stated my name and said “I will be singing The Star Bangle Banner” Her eyes got wide and she chuckled to herself (just as I expected). When I opened my mouth to sing I notice her chuckled turned into shock. If I could read minds I am sure she thought to herself (OMG, I was not expecting her to be able to sing) At the closing of my selection I was the one chuckling…lol. After my music selection I then had to do a cold reading (which means I had to read the script in character for the first time) the character I was given was a woman who has just caught her husband in bed with another woman. In auditioning, it is all about delivery. Therefore, I dug deep into myself and reflected on the movie “Dairy Of A Mad Black Woman”…it’s the only thing I could think of…lol. While in character, the writer slammed his hands on the table and tears began to pour out his eyes. The tape stop rolling and the casting director walked over to me and said “thank you for your time and we will be contacting you”. Two days later, I got a call casting me in “Wrecked But Not Totaled”!

At times, we assume the worse due to previous disappointment. As a performer, I am often underestimated base off my looks alone. When I speak, the assumption is that I will have a soft mouse voice unable to be aggressive with a song. At times, these assumptions can become frustrating but as time goes on, I have grown to love getting the last laugh. Sometimes our expression and impressions are not all truth. This week have an open mind. What may look like a bad day could very well be the best day you’ve ever had.

Til Next Week