Finding My Way To Love

Monday, August 29, 2011

To Be Famous

Jazmine Sullivan has a song on her most recent album titled “Famous”. The song is about her being a little girl with one dream to become famous. As she grows older she hopes that her one true passion/desire would fade from her thoughts, but instead of it fading away it becomes an anxious nightmare she must fulfill. I listen to this song almost every day, thinking about how when I was a little girl singing at my father’s church all I wanted to be was a famous singer. There's a line that sticks out most, when she says "No one wants to be invisible, everyone wants to be seen.I want to matter to the one, to girl watching me on TV and I want her to want to be me and I want to be her dream". My niece is who I do this for. Here I am standing at the front door of 31 still wanting to become what I dreamt about as a little girl.

There’s a place in Atlanta called Kat’s CafĂ©. On Thursday nights Kat’s holds a jam session for musicians and singers kinda like a open mic but it’s only open to those with talent (lol). A few weeks ago I went to Kat’s and participated in the jam session. I sang “Say Yes” by Floetry and received an encore. I was surprised at the audience response simply because usually hardly anyone ever receives an encore. On this particular night a few musicians from Anthony Hamilton’s band where there listening to me rock the house and invited me to the Jill Scott concert the next night. Jill Scott is one of my absolute favorite singers so I didn’t hesitate to accept their invite. Anthony Hamilton, Mint Condition DJ Jazzy Jeff and Duggy Fresh were Jill’s opening acts for the concert. I had the best seats in the house back stage (ya dig). I was like a little kid in a candy store over whelmed by all the talent walking past me rushing to get on stage. I have to admit I was extremely nervous at first. I had so much I wanted to ask but very little time and thinking about it now the concert was not the time or place for my 101 questions. To calm my nerves I had a glass of wine which turned into a few glasses of wine, needless to say I was very relaxed by the 3rd act. In fact I was so relax that I told DJ Jazzy Jeff that I was good friends with his friend Daylon. Confused about who Daylon ( my friend) was and how he was friends with him I explained that they’re only friends in his mind (lol). He laughed and then asked me had I ever thought about acting. I told him yes but I’m a singer at heart. When it was finally time for Jill Scott’s performance I quickly took my seat and watched her sing every favorite song of mine. I was surprised she never left the stage. She was absolutely amazing. She looked so beautiful and sang with so much heart and passion that it felt like time stood still just for her. As I watched her perform I felt like the little girl I once was, wanting to be a famous singer.

After the show I hung out with Anthony Hamilton’s band members and jammed to some of their original music they produced. They were impressed with my voice as well as my brilliant lyrics (lol). On my way home that night I couldn’t help but to become frustrated with my life’s journey. I get frustrated because I'm good, no really good at what I do and I just want my hard work to pay off. The more I thought about my one true passion the more anxious I became. My peaceful dream as a child was now my living nightmare. All I could think about was the one thing I’ve always desire to become and wondered if it will ever happen. The next morning I woke up and called my grandmother. I told her all about my night and how I just wished for my dream of being a famous singer would come to past. After listening to my frustration she said “Tisa there are plenty folks out there that can really sang and some are better than you, but you can’t grow weary”. She said, now the bible say ask and it shall be given to ya (I’m sure she was paraphrasing, lol) So we are gonna ask God to bless you with a good singing job that will let make enough money take care of yo folks and leave it alone ( clearly my dream isn’t just about me, lol). She told me, now bow ya head and close ya eyes and lets call on the Good Lord. And so I did as she insisted and let the Lord use her(lol). At end of the prayer she told it was our job to just stay faithful and thank God for answering oura prayer ( that’s how she talks, it’s our but she says oura, lol).

There are people who are fishing for their purpose and then there are those who are working on their purpose. I know I was born to sing and even though its get frustrating I have to keep the faith. Many will say let it go and just move on but what if Noah stop building the ark because he never saw rain. I realize sometimes faith isn’t about seeing the light at the end of the tunnel but just knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel while walking a dark path.

To my friend that just wants to give up because their exhausted from working hard. The song simply says after you’ve done all you can….just stand. You (who ever you are) and I have to remain faithful even when we grow frustrated. I’ll be honest I can’t see the light at the end of my tunnel right now but I’m walking my faith and not by sight.

Til Next Time
Simply Lola

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Taking The Good With The Bad

I moved to Atlanta eight months ago for the third time to work as a nanny for a good friend of mine. On Saturday I took her three year old son to the barber shop to get a haircut. Since I was going to the YMCA to work out after he finish getting his hair cut I decided to bring his ten month old sister along. While waiting in the barber shop for the next available barber I sat down next to an older gentleman. I was rocking the ten month old in my arms and trying to keep the three year old from tiring up the place. As the old man watched me attempt to manage two babies he leaned over and said to me; (it’s such a shame that girls your age are having babies out of wed lock and not getting a good education). At first I was confused. Then I turned to him and said, sir I’m thirty years old with a college education and these are not my children. Puzzled by my response he just sat back in his seat in silence (I guess black really don’t crack, lol). Being thirty and not looking thirty is a blessing and a curse. The blessing is I can never leave home without my driver’s license and the curse is that apparently I look like a young teenage high school dropout/ mother of bastard children. What’s sad is this man decided who I was based on not even knowing anything about me. I notice the bible in his lap and thought about the scripture that states; he who is without sin let him cast the first stone. It amazes me how many of us who are in Christ forget to be Christians (tragic just tragic).

Last week I wrote a blog that really pissed a few people off. These people are anonymous ( I have no idea who to thank for keeping it real with me, lol). A few people left comments of their opinions about me and what I need to do with my life. It was clear from the comments that these people are not people that know me and that more people read my blog than I thought. Surprised by the repsonse I thought I’d take the time out this week just to let you know who I am and why I write my blog and respond to a few comments.

My name is Lola Wilson. I am a singer from Dallas Texas and a college graduate from Clark Atlanta University. I write my blog because as crazy as it may sound I’m not the only woman that feels the honest feelings that I feel. I want people to read my blog and just laugh, or at least be relieved that their life isn’t mine. And if it just so happen that who ever is reading my clever words is going through all that I’m going through at least they’re not alone ( picture it as me giving my testimony while riding through the storm) I’m a Christian and not a virgin (Thank God I’m not going to hell). I am crazy enough to sacrifice all that I have for the one dream I believe in. I’m loving, loyal and often confused about the road less traveled. I am confident in who I am sometimes and other times I’m concerned if I am becoming who I want to be….that me in a nut shell… now on to Q&A

I was told by a reader to get back to God, my response is there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t walk with him. Another one said I was trying too hard, well thank God that hard work pays off. Someone wrote ( assuming an angry black man) I have nothing to offer why would any one want to marry me in my state. Well I had a good job, a car, and my own place and I was still single… Damn if I do and Damn if I don’t (lol). Then he or she (I’m guessing a he) said I tell too much of my business… well stop reading my blog...period. My point is, this is me (ALL OF ME)I've accepted me for who I am. The words that I write are my truth, what I experience and what I feel. My intentions are not to hurt, belittle, disrepect or offend anyone. I thought about apologizing but I'm not sorry for anything i've written. I even wanted to take some of the comments down but I'm no coward. I accpet those who love me and I accept those who don't.I can't change people's opinons about me I can only be me. I've had many people criticize me in Jesus name and thats ok because in life I have to take the good with the bad. My granny, mother and even my sister think I'm a great person while others think I am going straight to hell on a scholarship (lol)and its better too have three to love me than none at all. My ending statement "To my friend" its a general statemet it's not directed at a particular person ( duh).

To my friend (if i have one,lol) please know I write for fun, and well if its offensive to you then you should not follow me on twitter or be my friend on facebook.

Til Next Time
Simply Lola

Friday, August 12, 2011

Dear God... WHERE IS HE!?!?!

My birthday is coming up in a month and looking back over my life all I can say is that I never expected to be where I am today….Single! I believed in high school I would marry my high school sweet heart. It didn’t matter to me that we would be 17 hours away in college distance. I honestly believed that we would stand the test of time and our love for each other would conquer the distance between us. Then I discovered that Georgia Tech wasn’t but a few miles away from Clark Atlanta University and my high school sweet heart discovered that his black girlfriend (me) wasn’t only culture of woman that loved him dearly. He decided to test the multi cultural waters at OU. Needless to say it was in my freshman year of college that my strong belief of holy matrimony with my high school love diminished quickly. Then after him there was the one and only Uriah Gilmore. I will never forget sitting behind him at church so anxious to meet him I couldn’t concentrate on the preacher’s sermon. I figure since he had a biblical name then it was a sign from the holy one above. It was a sign alright; his sign read “HE’S Just Not that into me”. It was a slow recovery but I finally got over him rejecting me. All through my twenties I have manage to date a variety of hopeful holy matrimony contenders but due to the fear of commitment, and the sweet life of a bachelor’s life none of them ever made down it the aisle of “I do, til death do us part” at least not with me. As I approach 31 one I can’t help to feel like the character Charlotte from Sex And The City banging her head on a table crying; I’ve been dating since I was fifteen ( um more like seventeen for me), WHERE IS HE!?!?!?!

At the beginning of the year I decided that this would be the year I would meet my husband. Having made this decision I accepted a nanny job in Atlanta to prepare me for my happily ever after life. We are now eight months in the year and I ask…. OH DEAR GOD…..WHERE IS HE!?!?! From speed dating to internet dating I feel like I have tried everything. I even volunteer at work to be the greeter at the store in hopes of catching the eye of my knight and shining armor and saving me from selling over priced dresses to unemployed women who clearly can’t afford our clothes. I feel like I’ve done absolutely everything in my power in making myself available and accessible to “the one” for me. With all this hard work I can honestly say I am exhausted and at this point I quit.

My friend Cory is in town for a few days. We met up and talked about my dating drought. As I made my complaints and confessed my frustration to him, he asked me what do I want. In the middle of my “Woo It’s Me” story I stopped and he started to laugh. Of course I quickly tried to change the subject and all he did was laugh. Then he said “as usual…women just don’t know what they want. I argued and said, but I do… I want and then there was a long pause. I wanted to say I  Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions but I knew that would make him laugh at me even harder. Instead I named off what I wanted to be to my husband. I told him I wanted to be a help mate and a team player to the man of my dreams. I am ready to be a wife that cooks, cleans and colors my man beautiful every day of the week. Cory listen and laugh saying “ I know what you want to be, but who do you want to be that to. Then I thought what if Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions is married or engaged (i’ll just die of a broken heart,lol) … what do I want. I realized since I couldn’t describe anyone but Calvin Johnson I needed to figure out what I want for myself. I pray day in and day out for a husband but I have yet to tell God just exactly who I want. After hanging with my friend Cory I went home and thought about Cory’s question to me; what do I want?

When I got home later that afternoon I thought about what exactly I wanted in my husband. The more I thought about it the more I realized I wasn’t clear on my wants. Before I went to bed I made a list of just what I wanted (I would share it but I don’t want to be judge). After I made my list I said prayer. I told God if he will give me the desire of my heart I will love my husband the way God has loved me (unconditionally). As I laid down I made a decision that I am worth what I want and I will no longer worry about where my husband is.

To my friend that is banging her head against the wall and or table crying ; DEAR GOD, Where is he!?!? Ask yourself the question my friend Cory asked me…What do you want. Once you and I are clear on our wants then God can do his work for us.

Til Next Time
Simply Lola

Monday, August 1, 2011

Dating in Atlanta

There’s this new television show on VH1 called Single Ladies. It’s about three women living in Atlanta in search of love. As a single woman living in Atlanta in search of love all I can say is this show has got to further from the truth. Besides the terrible acting, the actresses are insanely gorgeous women who seem have no problem finding great dates with straight men, straight men that have very high profile jobs. I mean Stacy Dash character goes from dating a basketball player to dating the owner of the team her ex plays for… talk about sweet revenge. I would love to make the Titan poop in his pants by being romantically involved with the owner of the team he plays for, but unfortunately I’m not into old, rich white men with a bad Botox (lol). However dating one of his high profile teammates wouldn’t be so bad (lol)…. but then I think that would label me as a groupie and at my age a groupie stands for dirty old hoe (lol). Don’t get wrong Atlanta is filled with very successful black men but before a single girl can commit to a date with the great success of one of these men, she’s got to find if he’s gay or straight.

My manager’s birthday was this past weekend and to celebrate, he invited me and a few other coworkers out for drinks at this bar called Blakes. Blake’s is a gay bar in Midtown Atlanta. Being that I had never been to a gay bar I wasn’t sure what to except. My ignorance lead me to believe that all the men would be dressed in drag and those that weren’t would be very flamboyant about their sexuality…clearly this was not the case. There were a few men dressed as women but for the most part it was a bar full of men dressed like men. I was amazed how most of the men in this place looked like regular men and if I’d met some of these men anywhere else I wouldn’t have guessed they were gay at all. I met two very masculine doctors, a lawyer and a police officer (to think all this time I’ve been wondering where are all the successful hot black guys and to find out their at Blakes)….tragic just tragic. It blew me away how straight they appeared but straight they were not (shocking). Don’t get me wrong there were some hot mess men walking around acting foolish. Like one guy had on very short shorts that were so tight I could see the imprint of his paint brush, (tragic just tragic). I felt violated for a second by the paint brush imprint and then I realized I was in a room filled with men that had no desire to color with me (lol). Considering I was one of the very few single straight women there I thought I wasn’t going to have a good time but apparently gay men enjoy the company of a straight lady every now and again (lol). They bought me drinks and complimented me on my smile and dress while never attempting to feel me up or take me home for the night (who would have thought gay men find me more than just fuckble, lol). It was very refreshing for me to go out not having to pay an over priced coverage at the door, and have a few drinks without anyone requesting to see my vagina (lol). This gay bar was nothing like straight club where most of the women look like wanna be Beyonce’s and the men are all dressed up like fake rappers pretending to pop bottles they honestly they can’t afford. Everyone was dancing and singing and drinking without a care in the world. No was sizing each other up trying to see who looked better because let’s face it at the end of the night in the dark after a few drinks everyone looks the same to them (lol).

As I laughed and learned the words to all of Lady Gaga’s songs, I wondered if gay relationship were easier than straight relationships. To see how well mostly everyone got along surly they don’t have to worry about jealous ex-boyfriends or even cheating boyfriends for that matter. Boy was I wrong… no sooner than I walked out the bar to go home I saw two drag queens rip each others wigs and fake lashes off while having a bitch fight ( that’s what two gay men fight are called) over the bouncer. As I walk to my car it was clear that the grass isn’t greener on the other side. Gay or straight there are just some men that will forever be a damn Dog!!!

To my friend that watches Single Ladies thinking there’s hope in Atlanta, trust me when I say before you say yes to a date it would be best to find out whose straight. Never the less no matter what I remain optimistic.

Til Next Time
Simply Lola