Finding My Way To Love

Friday, August 12, 2011

Dear God... WHERE IS HE!?!?!


My birthday is coming up in a month and looking back over my life all I can say is that I never expected to be where I am today….Single! I believed in high school I would marry my high school sweet heart. It didn’t matter to me that we would be 17 hours away in college distance. I honestly believed that we would stand the test of time and our love for each other would conquer the distance between us. Then I discovered that Georgia Tech wasn’t but a few miles away from Clark Atlanta University and my high school sweet heart discovered that his black girlfriend (me) wasn’t only culture of woman that loved him dearly. He decided to test the multi cultural waters at OU. Needless to say it was in my freshman year of college that my strong belief of holy matrimony with my high school love diminished quickly. Then after him there was the one and only Uriah Gilmore. I will never forget sitting behind him at church so anxious to meet him I couldn’t concentrate on the preacher’s sermon. I figure since he had a biblical name then it was a sign from the holy one above. It was a sign alright; his sign read “HE’S Just Not that into me”. It was a slow recovery but I finally got over him rejecting me. All through my twenties I have manage to date a variety of hopeful holy matrimony contenders but due to the fear of commitment, and the sweet life of a bachelor’s life none of them ever made down it the aisle of “I do, til death do us part” at least not with me. As I approach 31 one I can’t help to feel like the character Charlotte from Sex And The City banging her head on a table crying; I’ve been dating since I was fifteen ( um more like seventeen for me), WHERE IS HE!?!?!?!

At the beginning of the year I decided that this would be the year I would meet my husband. Having made this decision I accepted a nanny job in Atlanta to prepare me for my happily ever after life. We are now eight months in the year and I ask…. OH DEAR GOD…..WHERE IS HE!?!?! From speed dating to internet dating I feel like I have tried everything. I even volunteer at work to be the greeter at the store in hopes of catching the eye of my knight and shining armor and saving me from selling over priced dresses to unemployed women who clearly can’t afford our clothes. I feel like I’ve done absolutely everything in my power in making myself available and accessible to “the one” for me. With all this hard work I can honestly say I am exhausted and at this point I quit.

My friend Cory is in town for a few days. We met up and talked about my dating drought. As I made my complaints and confessed my frustration to him, he asked me what do I want. In the middle of my “Woo It’s Me” story I stopped and he started to laugh. Of course I quickly tried to change the subject and all he did was laugh. Then he said “as usual…women just don’t know what they want. I argued and said, but I do… I want and then there was a long pause. I wanted to say I  Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions but I knew that would make him laugh at me even harder. Instead I named off what I wanted to be to my husband. I told him I wanted to be a help mate and a team player to the man of my dreams. I am ready to be a wife that cooks, cleans and colors my man beautiful every day of the week. Cory listen and laugh saying “ I know what you want to be, but who do you want to be that to. Then I thought what if Calvin Johnson of the Detroit Lions is married or engaged (i’ll just die of a broken heart,lol) … what do I want. I realized since I couldn’t describe anyone but Calvin Johnson I needed to figure out what I want for myself. I pray day in and day out for a husband but I have yet to tell God just exactly who I want. After hanging with my friend Cory I went home and thought about Cory’s question to me; what do I want?

When I got home later that afternoon I thought about what exactly I wanted in my husband. The more I thought about it the more I realized I wasn’t clear on my wants. Before I went to bed I made a list of just what I wanted (I would share it but I don’t want to be judge). After I made my list I said prayer. I told God if he will give me the desire of my heart I will love my husband the way God has loved me (unconditionally). As I laid down I made a decision that I am worth what I want and I will no longer worry about where my husband is.

To my friend that is banging her head against the wall and or table crying ; DEAR GOD, Where is he!?!? Ask yourself the question my friend Cory asked me…What do you want. Once you and I are clear on our wants then God can do his work for us.

Til Next Time
Simply Lola

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't think you're being judged at all. You shared your truth and your readers are sharing what they believe to be true. Learn something from it just like others are learning from you.

Lola said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lonnie said...

To all of you that have made any comment as to what God wants for her, or what she should do as far as God is concerned... all of you need to stop. You're giving her advice as to what God is telling her or what she should pray for. That's not your place. As soon as you run someone down about their relationship, you step in the wrong place. Calling her pathetic and bashing her for sharing her feelings? Please. You're worse and more immature than she could ever be. The title of the blog is "FINDING MY WAY"... HELLO!!!! Let her journey be her journey and stop taking pot shots at her as ANONYMOUS. If you truly were emissaries of "God", you'd not be ashamed to leave your name and offer help freely. Internet Bullies make me laugh. Only one of you had something positive to say and sound advice. All of you probably have Facebook pages, too. LOL. On which you OVER SHARE on a regular.

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