Finding My Way To Love

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Quickies Are Okay

Every now and again in the middle of the week my friends and I like to go have a drink at who ever is having the happiest happy hour that day. Sometimes a drink can or does turn into a few drinks which leads to a single woman scheduling a coloring session with a familiar male friend. What I mean by familiar male friend is HE lives alone not legally or verbally binned to anyone. This is not a side chick situation people!!! This is you're single I'm single lets mingle  because we're single situation. Some call it a Booty Call, while I call it a Coloring Call, lol (sounds corny but cute,lol).  Anyway, usually after that  happy hour turns into a very happy night and that clearly makes for a happy day the next day. Unless you have pulled an all nighter. Then the next day is  just a very long day, I mean extremely LONG Day! Which doesn't leave me happy, clearly because drinking is involved.

I get up at 4am every morning and go to the gym, then I go to my sister school and make breakfast for her students, followed by a shower, change of clothes and off to work. As you can read my morning is full of stuff to do and I have to be alert and ready to go. With that being said at my age Quickies are OKAY!!!.I encourage them especially  in the middle of the week,lol. If  I hit you up a 7pm on Wednesday please believe I know that we paint great pictures.  Since I know your capability there's  no need to pound away with your paint brush to the early morning.We both have jobs for crying out loud and its NEVER hot for me to crawling into work because I am exhausted from the night before. Coloring in the middle of the week is more like a quick sketch, an energy booster. Trust me it's a sprint not a marathon. There's no need to create a artistic master piece with your bed sheets. Save the long nights of passionate painting  for the weekend.  And what I mean by weekend is Friday night Saturday mornings because I do go to church and Saturday nights are my day of rest from the week (don't judge me I've come a long way and still have a very long way to go).

I get it ! No man on this earth wants to part of the minute man family. I get  men want to stamp their mark on every canvas they get to color. I don't want you to be a minute man either, I prefer 15 minutes and if you don't talk well we have a good night. What I mean by not talking is if you want to know about my week, read my facebook status, I'm honest on how I'm feeling. I appreciate the extra effort you put in to make it last all night. The very fact that a man wants me to have multiple coloring explosions in one night is very thoughtful. To think of me first before yourself leaves me speechless. Please don't miss understand me I LOVE COLORING ALL NIGHT, just not when I have to go to work the very next day. I have to keep my job to keep my gym membership so that I am ready for the real action on Friday nights... NOT Saturday nights  cause I gotta go to church on Sunday, lol.

To my friend reading this and understands where I'm coming just leave a comment saying...AMEN.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Is SEX Really Important

There was a post on facebook a few days ago from a man who raised the question is SEX really important in a relationship. I thought it was very interesting that a man would pose such a question considering sex is what men think about over 60% of the time ( I'm sure that percentage is much higher). Why on earth would a man wonder how important sex is in a relationship giving their attraction to us (women) is mostly sexual. I have yet to meet a man who is totally interested in my beautiful musical talent, or charming personality. Usually men are like ooo cute girl with a vagina and  I know its not because my vagina spits out diamonds because it doesn't,lol but  because its a vagina they have yet to see and are anxious to get wet,lol. The beautiful musical talent and charming personality are just assets to the main attraction. So it just blew me for a loop when this man asked "How Important Is Sex In A Relationship?". My answer to this question is it is VERY important and here is my reason why.

Most single women who are respectable or have used all their hoe moments in their 20's are not getting their pipes cleaned on a regular. We have committed relationships with operated battery devises while we wait for our Prince Charming to come along and make us his one and only true love. My hopes and dreams are that one day I can completely break up with my vibrators and live happily ever after enjoying the penetration of  my personal painter's paint brush, a sizable one at that. This isn't the 1900's where women enjoying sex is forbidden. I have yet to meet a man who is okay with marrying a woman who doesn't give head, lol . I have needs that MUST be met as well, lol. No woman wants to spend their lives in a marriage pretending to have an organism when they really want to just gag or go to sleep from boredom. It shouldn't be a chore in a relationship it should be pure enjoyment. I am  taking pole dance classes and befriending strippers to get tips on keeping a happy husband, and to think the nerve of a men will pull out in 30 seconds thinking I should be satisfied, clearly not. If I'm willing to take pole dance classes as a form of exercise the least a man could do if focus on rocking my world.

Another thing  that makes sex important to a woman is because its in that moment I become completely venerable to a man.When I think about my past relationships or the men that I've love the most the sex was great. There was  this  crazy connection of mind body and soul that infused itself when we were fornicating,lol. It was something I loved most about them because everybody can't put me to sleep,lol.  I can't speak for anyone but myself  and I have a whole lot of insecurities about my body. I am always thinking to myself if I could get these last 10 pounds off I'll be good, while drinking a bottle of wine with a straw,lol. I can't afford a million dollar trainer to look like I just stepped off stage with Beyonce. I don't have butt so big it intimidates Kim Kardashion. So for a man to look at me and my imperfections and still see the beauty in me as well as make me feel within that moment that I am the sexiest woman he's ever kissed is every thing to me. People who have read or read my blog know all about the Titan and although he clearly wasn't best choice of lover for my life it was our coloring sessions that kept me going back. Sex starts with the kiss. The kiss is what determines my level a comfort. Now some men have mastered the art of kissing (i.e. the Titan) and this is what has gotten me caught up in some foolishness but ya live and learn,lol. So kiss with caution, lol.

Now I know there a  million single Christian women reading this ready to judge me but if they were honest with themselves they'd agree. Of course sex is not the only thing that is important but in all truth its a deal breaker. Just like any other woman I want enjoy the company of my personal painter without painting. Having things in common and learning new and different intellectual things is just as important. But lets be clear I enjoy the company of my friends and I learn something new from them all the time so if I wanted to fondle myself I'd be a lesbian.

To my friend who is dating a guy and the sex is bad ... Good luck my friend. Hopefully you all have a relationship strong enough that you all can work that part out. If not then you might want to reconnect with your battery operating devise,lol

Til Next Time
Simply Lola


Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Why I'm Not Married

 I read an article written by a writer named Tracy McMillan, I'm assuming she has no relation to Terry McMillan. The article was titled "Why You're Not Married". As a single woman I was drawn to the title and was amused by her comments. It clearly was one of those tell it like it is, keeping it real kind of view points which I totally respect. I found  her thoughts very funny but I was a little pissed off because she had been married three times while I'm a 33 year old woman who hasn't so much had a boyfriend.  Its no question that she knows how to get married but its obvious she has no idea how to stay married. Either way she seems to be doing so much better than Me, but I digress.

Her article didn't mention anything different than anyone whose written an article about who we are as single women and what we need to change to NOT be a single woman. Me and every other single woman have head it all before ,especially if you're a woman of color. Rappers of this day and time remind us every chance they get in every song they make on how we're bitches and hoes (she called us sluts) , gold diggers (she called us shallow), selfish, liars and don't know our worth. My feelings towards these accusations were not of  anger, or bitterness but more like annoyed. I mean seriously I smile way to much to be a bitch, I'm sure I've been a bitch in a frustrating moment but I have too much of a bubbly personality to just be a  flat out BITCH, which contradicts the Book "Why Men Like Bitchs" and leaves women so confused. I mean  really, To Be a Bitch or Not To Be A Bitch that is the Question,lol.

Gold digger, seriously!?! I've worked three jobs at one time, walked miles in the rain with a big ass hole in the bottom of my shoe to serve pizza to people I graduated college with, lol. And don't get me started on being a slut. Sluts have sex, lots and lots of sex.  I have had more action with my silver bullet than I have with an actual penis ,lol. I'm not speaking for the masses but I am speaking for myself. The day I am become a gold digging whore who frequently colors with multiple wealthy painters will be the day of pure enjoyment. To actually fornicate with a man that doesn't mind me running up his credit card on Christian Luboutins and Fendi purses sounds like a dream come true, lol. The only reason women like me judge groupies and video vixons is because we're pissed off that we weren't smart enough to not work as hard has them, that's all, lol. If I could sell my morals and values on E-bay surely I would but I can't cause I don't want to disappoint my sweet, sweet mother,lol who I secretly resent for making it a point to instill them in me, lol . Clearly if I  were a gold digger I would have at least had a decent pair of shoes to walk to work and serve pizza ,lol.

As for being selfish , well of course I am ...HELL its just Me. I give to those who deserve what I have to offer. I've worked hard for my shit, lol. If I give my all in the beginning then I'll be considered a push over or weak. Which here again leaves me confused because don't men love a good chase?!? Aren't they supposed to work for my time and attention, lol.

A liar, who hasn't lied. I'm mean seriously I'm not going to present myself as the girl with serious issues. Who wants to marry her. Its like  a used car,  the salesman is not going to tell you about the tragic accident it was in and how it has a major oil leak.  All he's going to do is say is it run likes its brand new, but clearly its used! Just like that used car with all those mechanical issues you wont find out my flaws until after the Honeymoon or maybe after our first child, lol. Its kinda hard to leave when kids are involved ,lol.  I don't want to marry the guy with issues either  I prefer to wait til the ink drys on the marriage licence and then call  Iyanla Vanzant later, be on the her show "Fix My Life" and be done. There's nothing sexy about coloring with a guy whose just messed up because at the end of a good orgasm I'll be sleeping with one eye open, fearing for my life, lol. As a single woman whose tired of happy hour with her girls every Friday and popping wine bottles by herself on Saturday I'm gonna lie for a little male attention, lol . Of course if a guy says he's not looking for anything serious I'm gonna seriously lie and say me either. Because if I say I am and we should get married tomorrow I'll be back in a committed relationship with my bullet. And frankly I'm just tired of buying batteries,lol. I love "Me Time" but like with any other single woman every now and again ME, MYSELF, and I need a break from each other, lol.

At 33 I know my worth. I've worked hard at being worthy. I'm not Married because I am tired of selling myself to men who are just not buying it from me. Which at this point is clearly absolutely okay with me TODAY, gotta take this single decision 1 day at a time, lol.  Who I am is who I am, nothing more or less. I'm a fun, funny, feisty flirty woman who happens to be a sister to my sister, a daughter to my parents and a true friend to my friends. I'm sexy and beautiful. Trust me I am, lol.  I'm loyal  and full of life. I'm talented in more ways than one. I'm in love with Calvin Johnson/ Megatron and if that makes me shallow so BE IT, lol. I'm a woman who is always trying to lose weight even when I don't need to. I 'm a Sunday school teacher to a group of teenagers who can't wait to graduate from high school and never go to another Sunday school class again. I'm a control freak, call me crazy but I just have to know whats going on at all times, and yes I blame my mother for this flaw. I wear weave because its just easier to manage, I drink crown and coke, and on pay day Hennessy and coke,lol. I am woman whose love language is quality time.Lastly, I'm an amazing woman and  a really good person with a few bad habits. I'm single because I'm Me.

 My attempts to emulate other people have been an epic fail. I have one life and as long as it fun, full of life with great times  and I can be the fine ass Aunt that picks up my niece and nephews from school I'll accept my Singlism (I made that word up,lol). To my friend who doesn't know why she's single well if its just because you're you, then be okay with being you. Remember we gotta accept this Single way of life one day at time. Just make it the best damn life you could ever haa and
you'll me just fine my friend.

Til Next Time
Simply Lola

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Too Color ( Have Sex) Or Not To Color... That Is The Question

I have a friend who has vowed not to perform any type of oral sex on any man until she is married. She feels as if this is her special gift to her husband on their wedding night, um no comment. A few of our other friends feel like its crap, but I believe her. I have another friend who has committed not to have any sexual orientation until he, yes HE is married to the woman that God has for him. I must say at our age these are very great (in size I mean) commitments, considering the society we live in its easy to think....WHO DOES That?!?! I kinda find it interested and I respect them, but I can't help  wonder ( as if I am the black Carrie Bradshaw )is To Color Or NOT To Color... that is the question

At my age I've colored with  a few good men who have dynamic brush strokes but I have also experienced some  good men with very disappointing painting performances(lol). Now I can't say the men with dynamic brush strokes treated me any better then the good men with disappointing painting performances. BUT! I can say I did stick around a whole lot longer with those who always knew how to create a master piece, lol (my poor mother is probably having a heart attack right now reading this.) To say sex (or as Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and The City would put it, coloring) is not important would be a bold face lie, especially if you're canvas as seen great art work. I mean since I've tested a few of my colors and discovered coloring outside the lines isn't so bad  and the F on my report card followed by a phone call doesn't stand for failure but for Fantastic! I kinda wanna keep that around especially if  the paintbrush comes with a hook or curves to the left a little (lol).. I'm just saying, those imparticular are very hard to come by but definitely a keeper if found (lol).  So to date and not do the do until I say I do... where will that put me? I'm kinda like my niece and nephews in this decision, I'd like to know whats underneath the tree before Christmas morning, if ya know what I mean.

Falashio on the other hand or so I've heard is an art form that can be taught. Men are open to being great teachers to women who are willing to learn and like wise with women. I figure as long as the both parties are willing to learn whats to each others liking they can live in holy matrimony,(clearly i'm not married but I'm guessing if its done right, in the words of T.I. You Can Have Whatever You Like,lol.

Now of course I know that there is more to getting married than great coloring sessions with happy endings. At some point both parties must love, respect, honor, trust and do some other stuff if they want to one day say "I Do". Steve Harvey's book "Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man says because of that other stuff I just mention we (women) should wait 90 days, like a probationary period. I'm okay with waiting because I'd like to know before we start coloring that he's not going to beat me unconscious with his words or his fist. I'd also like to think I'm a spiritual person who loves God, even though I'm having this sinful conversation so its important to know that Jesus is on his side too. But after it is confirmed that my main male attraction is not a wanted felon who loves to make a woman's life hell on earth and he's got his life together but the coloring is absolutely awful?!? What am I to do? I'm not saying good men are hard to find but I am saying that this good woman is very tired of waiting to be found ,lol. Now somethings can be fix with the proper communication but size does matter and unlike breast there are no implants for a paint brush (lol). If I break up with him I'm shallow, but if I stay with him I'm settling!?!

After thinking about this long and hard I've drawn the conclusion that  the scale weights 50/50. You can color  or not color with him and he may or may not put a ring on it. There are some who wont consider a woman for marriage unless his paint brushed has been passionately kissed , and others who just don't care. Then there are those who require no passionate kisses but demand to paint up on thy precious canvas if marriage is considered. Same thing goes for women. At the end of the day It's different strokes for different folks. I feel like my friend Andre who is waiting to color is saying to God that he trust him to give him a wife that will be all I needs and so much more. As far as my other friend, um, yeah still no comment.

To my friends whose got the same questions that I do and more, I'd suggest do whats best for you. As a Sunday school teacher (I can feel my class getting smaller,already) it would be fitting to  practice Trust God method like Andre's doing , but I'm thinking 90 days might be a better fit for me,

Til Next Time:
Simply Lola

Friday, October 18, 2013

Surface Talk- It's THE.... OMG HE CALLED

Surface talk is the conversations we have in passing with strangers or people we barely know. Its the Good Morning!, how are you? talk we have while in the break room waiting to get coffee at work. Its the  polite but not personal way of sharing the same space with people we're not comfortable with. Surface talk is also the talk we have when we randomly call someone unsure of what to say or how to say what needs to be said underneath the surface. Men do this more than women, or at least that's what I think.  I don't know how men do it, but they know exactly the time and day to just get underneath your freakin skin,lol by talking about absolutely nothing, totally annoying,lol.

Yesterday while sitting at my desk watching the paint dry on the wall (it was a boring day at work) OMG he called (I haven't thought of a good nick name for him yet) but any way OMG!!! he called. He called and said, Hi. At first I didn't want to answer the phone but watching paint dry was no longer exciting so I surrendered to the sounds of my phone ringing. After the polite hellos were exchanged he started to talk about his adjustment to Oakland. He found a nice place to stay and was liking his work and blah, blah, blah. I'm not sure how the conversation of him coming home came about but he told me that even though it was his week off he wasn't going to be able to come home... I thought to myself, um okay? I asked him about his injury and apparently I had it wrong. I thought  he hurt his knee but I guess it was his quid, and of course he corrected me. I didn't even know he had the week off. I felt like he was disappointed that I hadn't been keeping up with him, which made me feel a little bad. But  HE missed my birthday so I say we're even. All and all nothing that needed to be said was said. Everything was lite and very surface.I mean I told him I bought a car and my hair is now blond,big deal.I feel like it was a very surface conversation mainly because I didn't know what to say and neither did he (or maybe he did, hell i don't know). So why am I still pondering over a conversation that went absolutely no where?!?!

Here's the thing about having surface talk with a guy I really have no closure with. It creates chaos in my mind. Especial if I haven't found any interest in any other guys. The sound of his voice puts me in a place of possibility and hope.The mire fact that he thought of me whither he was bored or really missed me it still feels good and I want to hold on the good feeling as long as possible.Its as if I want to create a conversation of him saying I miss you Lola, and I am ready!Ready to be with you, I am ready to act right and just love you Lola. And to prove it I bought a ticket for you come see me and we discuss our future (lol, I am so dramatic,lol ). Eventually the good feeling and fantasy fades quickly because the reality is that nothing was really said that needed to say.

There are all these reason why men call when its over, or you feel like its over. Some say because they want to make sure we're still an option. Others say its because they're bored, or they're trying to see where your head is at so they can get on your good side. To be honest I'm sure its all of the above. So what are we as women to do! I'm glad you asked...I have no earthly idea.The only thing I can think of is, Cuss em out and tell them to kick rocks and stop wasting your perious time,lol. But that's not a good idea because you will be labeled as the CRAZY LADY,lol. However, I will say not matter what the conversation is about stay true to your desire and stick to your guns. Don't forget why its over and don't surrender to a random call. My friend Monica said it best, people be it man or woman know how to get what they want. If there is more to come for whats on the surface then it will but if not LET IT GO! And believe if its not him then it will be someone else that will get underneath the surface and make it work with you.

Till Next Time
Simply Lola

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Sabotaging Love

It's always heart breaking to hear the man or woman you love but are no longer with has moved on. I don't care how old you get every time you breakup to not makeup with someone you just knew was the "One" you feel like you're taking a bullet all over again right in the heart. Well at least that's how I'm feeling right now. Just to hear that they are happy without me makes me feel like death. I mean it gets worse because I just want to know why I wasn't the one, why couldn't I make him happy... WHY DIDN'T HE CHOOSE ME!!! (tears for days just stream down my face and my mother, God bless her always says: I don't know why ya crying over him cause he aint thinking about you. And no matter how many times she says it, it NEVER makes me feel better, lol. I think to myself :Please lady keep your encouraging words to yourself

Around August of last year I started talking to a guy that I had known for at least five years. I met him at a bowling charity event that I was working for the Roy Williams Safety Net Foundation. He walked in and told me that he would participate in the event but he wasn't taking any pictures. I politely told him that taking pictures wasn't a choice, this was not a democracy but more of a dictatorship and I wasn't asking I was telling him to take the damn photo. He agreed if I took it with me.  Throughout the night we laughed and talked and I remember thinking to myself how he would make a great husband. But at the time I was so in love with the Titan I couldn't see the forest for the trees and I just didn't think much about it. Fast forward, I was visiting Dallas right before my moved to New York and I saw him at a pool party. Long story short we exchanged numbers, I moved to New York and he called a month later.

When we first started talking we talked everyday , we had so much in common and we just hit it off really well. A few months went by and well I really was beginning to be confused about where we were in our situation. I knew he didn't have a job at the moment and that was his main focus but I needed to know where we stood. I mean dang it had been 3 months and there was no efforts made to come see me and skpying was like pulling teeth. My job in New York was very stressful so I just couldn't handle stress in my personal life. So anyway after going back and forth for a few days he tells me that "We Are Building A Foundation For Something Special" What!?!, was the response in my head but what I said was okay, considering he was looking for work. But my commitment to being OK didn't last very long and one day I was thinking way too much and was all in my feelings and I just couldn't take it. I wrote him and email explaining that I had had IT!!! I listed over a million things he was NOT doing and  I was just tired of waiting. He eventually wrote me back letting how he really liked me and  how great I was and blah, blah,blah. And of course I fell for it and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING CHANGED.

I move back to Dallas (but not for him) and he gets a job in Oakland. He tells me that once he's settled in his place he was gonna send for me. At this point I am Overly Excited but the feelings of happiness soon fade and once again I get into my feeling and out of no where I send text message letting him know that I wasn't going to come to Oakland unless we are in a serious relationship and that at this point in my life I am ready to get married and if that's not what he wants then we should just part ways ( I know you're reading this thinking crazy, slow down,lol). This time he didn't respond and it that was a month ago.

What I have discovered is that every time I start to get something good going with someone I really like I find a way to sabotage it and I just don't know why I do that. I really want to be in love with someone who loves me but I can't figure out why I quickly get impatient and just walk away only wanting to go back yet again to make it work. But then its too late. I'm sure to him I look like a  crazy woman who doesn't know what she wants and I'll own that.I know that I over reacted out of the fact that I didn't trust him to follow through because he rarely did. He rarely came through on a promise. I can't help but wonder had I just not said those words would things be different, would we have worked out. I know i can't change the past or even redeem myself with him. Its over and I accept my part in the tragic ending. I try my best not to beat myself up about it because it happen and well what can I do but live, learn and just move on. I sabotage love and now I am learning why I do it and how to stop doing it.

To my friend whose reading and may have the questions I have, one thing is for sure and that is in ALL relationships teach us about us. We learn who we are and who we want to be. As I try to figure out why I keep manipulating love to go the wrong way I encourage to to discover what you may need to change about you for the next love of your life. Change is good, Growth is even better

Till Next Time
Simply Lola

Friday, October 4, 2013


I've been talking (more like text messaging)  3 guys for a couple of weeks and I'm so confuse on what the heck is going on. I mean none of them have picked up their phones and called me. To top it all off the text messages are so random that it totally annoys me. One of the guys my sister set me up with and in as much as I was totally against going out with him, I've found a way to have an open mind and see what he's about. But this fool is dragging his feet. We're suppose to go on a date and um yeah... I'm just not sure when that will take place. Its been three weeks! Seriously, I get it, if he's just not that into me that's fine, but don't waste my time.At my age I have a shortage of eggs and aging ovaries, Aint No Body Got Time Fa That,lol.

What sucks is I feel like I'm a pretty cool girl who doesn't ask for much. I mean a good happy hour or brunch is a great date to me. I am all for waiting to take me to Del Frisco's after you've confirmed with yourself that you are totally into me.  I do like talking on the phone, what I don't like is sending 20,000 text messages throughout the day, talking about absolutely nothing . I mean if a man calls me I'm not going ask him to pay my car note..Oh yeah I got me a car, a BMW at that and yes I'm feeling good about that(lol). But back to the lecture at hand. I just don't understand why I have to pull teeth to get the simple things in life. I mean seriously a conversation on the phone and setting a date for us to go out shouldn't take an act of congress. There are some days that I feel if lesbians were born with a penis I 'd cross over to the other side, lol. But since it really doesn't take 2 to work my toys I'll just keep playing on team Heterosexual.

Most single women want the same thing to be loved, adored and to be a priority. Its only in the thugged out rap songs that women want to be showered in Gucci, Louie, Prada.  I will admit in secret I am a label whore, but  its not the most important thing I want. I just want to have this chemistry that is undoubtedly real between me and him (who ever he is). I want the attraction to be equal , not I like him more than he likes me or he likes me and I'm just not interested. I want to just come home take off  my clothes, put on his old football jersey and watch TV next to him. I want him to just laugh at all the silly things I do. None of my request require a man to have to take out a second mortgage to make me happy!  So I ask why in the world does it take so much to get something so little? WHY DO MEN DRAG THEIR FEET?