Finding My Way To Love

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Simply Lola: Pity Party

My life consist of happy hours, night life parties and every now and again I throw myself a good old fashion pity party. Last week I sorted through my life and decided because I was stuck in the house sick I wanted to have pity party. I just lounged around with my aching body and sang the ow its me song (you know... oh me, poor me, lonely me, ooooooo why me (lol) , and only inviting my heartbreaking thoughts of past broken hearts and goal setting failures. My party only lasted for about a day. A few friends called and checked to make sure I hadn't drowned in my tears of tragedy, and eventually I got annoyed with hearing myself say why me, why me, oh Lord why me. By the middle of the week I was back to myself and focused.

Thrusday I got a call that my friend April's older brother had past away. He had been sick for a while so her and her family were prepared but I mean is anyone really prepared to lay to rest someone they absolutly love, I know I'm not. The funeral was held on Saturday at my fathers church just two days after his death( so fast for Black folks). My mother and I prepared a few musical selections and a preacher from Chattanooga TN. gave the eulogy (fancy way of saying sermon). The title of his sermon was "When Bad Turns For Good". The preacher was very short and to the point, no long drawn out hooping and hollaring going back and forth for 10 hours. He didn't use his opportunity to put on a black baptist performance but more of an opportunity to provoke the thoughts of the living...just straight to the point. It was a shocking experenice for traditional Black Baptist.

Later that evneing my mother and I went shopping...well more like my mom shopped and I windowed shopped ( she bought me a dress,because she said I needed church clothes...whatever works). While browsing various sale items, I told my mom how I really wanted to move to New York. I really like the city and I was seriouslly considering moving. In the mist of me talking to her she looked at me and said well if you move whose gonna wash the dishes every know my skin is sensitive(lol), and where will my niece sleep when she spends the night, she sleeps so bad(lol). My eyes got big , thinking lady are you serious,and she was. She took a step back and with a deep sigh she said ...oh well I'm sure we'll figure something out(lol). She encouraged me to enjoy my time by myself. She said explore the world live where ever you want to live, be what I want to be,do whatever I want to do and do it now. I said Vernita... no i didn't, I said really She made it very clear, I aint got no babys and no baby daddies, and I am single. Right there in Nordstorm Galliera we both begin to cry. I cried because I had her love and support, and she cried because she had to find someone else to do the dishes and sleep with my niece. It was a beauiful moment...(lol)

Pity parties are not a bad thing, I'm glad I had one(or ten). Crying, well I needed alittle cleansing. I'm honest with myself and well when I see my feelings and emotions in writing it allows me to put my life in prepective.I realize that my bad days remind me that I am human and God is with me, just being God not judging me just loving me. Knowing that makes life worth living.

I'm not sure who was having a pity party with me but I hope you woke. If you did, I hope you'll wipe your tears and wash your face. I sure just like me you've had some failed goals, and just like me are very sexy and single(its hard being who we are but we That's okay today know our lives are not so bad, and while we wait for our love list, we'll enjoy our presious time alone.

Til Next Time
*Simply Lola*

Monday, May 17, 2010

Simply Lola :Wrecked But Not Totaled

My new beginning was suppose to start on Monday. Instead I got sick with a sinus infection. I hate being sick it is the absolute worse. I woke up Tuesday feeling hopeless, worthless, and useless, thinking what is it all for ( I know I'm such a drama queen). Everything I do seems to be an utter disaster. With a sore throat barely able to keep my eyes open I told myself nothing is working ...absolutely nothing seems to be working.

I have sacrificed all that I have for the one thing I love music, and I can't seem to get a break anywhere.Oh sure the adventure seemed great and it is abominable that I've been going after something that I love but I just don't have anything to show for it. I know look at me having a damn piety party for myself (tragedy). I guess the outcome of my life right now would make since if I were on drugs or an alcoholic, maybe if I didn't have a college education,then I can see how my decision landed me with no car, job, and living with my parents( it goes to show the forces of hell will come upon anyone) My decisions were all done based on pursing my passion for the most part I've stayed out of trouble.

I started this blog to keep me on track, help me focus. I thought it would help become comfortable with myself and open doors for me. I know I'm a good person I just don't feel good about myself ( well at least not today). I am doing the best I can to continue to believe in myself and I am struggling. I guess my big question is what is next for me. What am I to do next. I am trying so hard not to give up on me but I'm just having one of those weeks. I know, I know , pray about a scripture or two...then what... I guess I'll feel better. I don't want to just feel better I want to be better, have a better life, not that my life is the worse...but I just want more for myself. I have read all the books and followed all the directions. I even attempted to go on a fast to cleanse myself. I am a good person, and I give to others and yet and still I just feel like that's not good enough. Why can't I get a date beats ( silly me, and my damn love list). Why can't my music get off the ground. I just feel like I don't have anything left to give and I am just over it. It's days and times like these that make staying positive very hard.

The one thing I have that keeps me going right now is the play I'm in "Wrecked but Not Totaled" Interesting name considering I'm a wreck ...and well I'm not dead so I guess I haven't been totaled out completely.

I'm not sure, but maybe someone is reading this blog and feeling the same way but wouldn't dare tell the world...well have no fear you're not alone. I wish I could honestly say everything will better in the morning but I don't know that for sure. All I can say is me and you both will wake up in the morning and find out.

Til Next Week
*Simply Lola*

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Simply Lola: The Night Before A New Beginning

Dang early morning service was long today. My father preached from Romans 8:28...he started off really good but then I got lost, and then I got bored completely tuning him out and started writing a list of how I will spend my millions. My father preaches with so much passion and conviction but I guess I' m just not spiritually there yet to really understand where he is coming from or what he is talking about for that matter.

I woke up this moring fighting the thoughts of feeling like I am just not good enough. I kept thinking about how I am a horrible speller and just feel like people laugh at me for all my mistakes(Lord knows I have embarassed myself ten to many times). I want to be the golden girl...the girl that everyone likes and adores. I am 29 and just want the popular 15 year old teenage girl (clearly I have no idea why). I wish I were well repsected by my peers. I wish I had this awesome job as Terrance Newmans assistant while working on my music career (he's the only one I know with a strong non-profit foundation that helps children). many wishful thoughts...oh well...we shall see.

Well the day has come to an end. Tomorrow I start the Daniel Fast, 40 days and 40 nights of finding great love ( self love...unconditional love). I'm not gonna lie I would love for the gates of all my dreams to come true to open but for the most part while I am fasting I just want to accept, love, respect, honor, and appreciate myself. No more looking for approval from others. I want to forgive myself for every embarrassing moment, and for every chance of a life time I had but didn't take. I just want to be very happy, pleased, and proud of who I am regardless if anyone ever notices.

I've written down a love list, and dreams I want to see come true, but if none of these things never happen and all I have is what I have, I want to be at peace with that..with my life. Well 4am will be here faster than ever so... I will come to a close tonight. Drink this margirita and then lights out. Tomorrow starts a new beginning and no turning back.

Til Tomorrow (40day start)
Simply Lola

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

My Love List

A few years back I read an article in O Magazine about woman who had been married three times and still was in search of true love. As she ran into the arms of a wise older women weeping, the women told her make a love list and number it to 100. The lady did just that and five years later she married her true love. A few women have used this very same practice and were successful. However non of the women are women of color (black). I've grown up believing that black men are insecure and black men that are successful reject black women. Its as if I have been train to think because I am a black woman I will not be a woman that is lovable and I should just deal with the insecurities of unloving, unsuccessful black men. Well no more. I made my love list and numbered it up to 100. I believe that God knows my heart and hears my prayers despite my race. Therefore I am up for the challenge. It took me two days to complete my list, but here it is, and I wont make any apologizes for what I want.

My Love List

1. A Man of God
2. Loyal
3. Loving
4. Honest
5. Humble
6. Faithful
7. Patient w/me
8. Forgiving
9. Fun PErsonality
10. Always a gentleman
11. Empatheic
12. Romantic
13. Creative
14. Strong
15. Courageous
16. Masucline
17. Positive/ Even Keel
18. Motivating
19. Brave
20. Peaceful
21. Funny
22. Confident
23. Well Respected
24. Respectful
25. Financially Wise
26. Wealthy / Smart Invester
27. Loves to travel
28. No Children
29. Sexy
30. Understanding
31. Slow to Anger
32. Agrees to disagree
33. Quite/ but not shy
34. Observent
35. Deep Sexy Voice
36. Very Tall
37. Physically Fit
38. Great Cook
39. Team Player
40. Athletic
41. Nice Skin
42. Out going
43. Amazing Passionate Kisser
44. Affectionate
45. Wears nice cologne
46. Good relationship with his mom
47. Not a momma’s boy
48. Family Man
49. Have a good work /life balance
50. Never married
51. Ready for a serious relationship
52. Attends church with me
53. Believes in my dreams
54. Communicates well with others
55. Good Listener
56. Successful
57. Adventurous
58. Drug Free
59. Not an Alcoholic/ light drinker
60. Sports Fan
61. Gives to others
62. Organize
63. Intelligent / Smart
64. Beautiful Eyes/ Captivating
65. All working limbs/ in good health
66. Mature
67. Good sense of humor
68. Not easily offended
69. Never forgets my birthday
70. Loves me for me
71. Laughs at my jokes/ even th bad ones
72. Homeowner
73. Not Judgmental
74. Strong/Good Work Ethic
75. Very calm
76. Great Credit
77. Gives me compliments
78. Likes to cuddle
79. Affectionate
80. Clean
81. Neat
82. Holds me while I sleep
83. Large Paint Brush
84. Colors well/ never stay inside the lines
85. Emotionally Stable
86. Beautiful Smile
87. Responsible
88. Gives me orgazums
89. African American
90. Stands up for himself
91. Gets along with my family
92. Relible/ someone i can count on
93. Sends me a dozen roses just because
94. Enjoys hanging out with me
95. Enjoys Football
96. Passionate
97. Focus
98. Determined
99. Loves all of me
100.He's my #1 fan

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Simply Lola :Honoring Change

This past year I have read three books. The Secret, In the Meantime, and Think and Grow Rich. All these books have one thing in common; they all require you to love. As crazy as this may sound these books in very different ways explain that love is the root of all accomplishments. Love is the ingredient in completing all your goals and having all that you want. In a nutshell love is all we need. Growing up as preacher’s kid I was taught very early that God is Love. Here I am 29 years of age and I have absolutely no idea what love really means, nor do I think I have experienced love. I know my parents love me and a few friends here and there love me too, but self love is something I think I have short changed myself with in life.

I have been writing my blog for about a year now. The first title of my blog was “The Journey of Lola”, and now it’s titled “Finding My Way”. I look at my titles and I ask myself the question: “What the hell am I doing”. As a singer, where am I trying to go. As a single woman what am I trying to find. It’s as if I have been writing in search of something, but not sure of what it really is I want. Oh sure I want this great beautiful life with the glamour and the glitz of happily ever after, all smiles. In fact I’m sure most of you reading this want happily ever after with love, life and laughter as well. I wish I had the answer to getting what we want but I don’t. Like many of you, I have laid out plans for my life, built collages, and set goals only to find myself frustrated by failed plans, doubting vision, and just plane ole confused about why things go wrong. I realized that I have spent my twenties making drastic decisions under the emotional stress of life. I have compromise my sanity for exciting insanity. I have justified my irresponsible behavior with conscious reasoning. I have played the victim when I am sure I was the victimizer. In the mist of all this travesty, I just cannot enter the next decade of my life making silly mistake, having anxiety attacks because life is not going my way. As my sister would say: It’s time to put on my big girl panties and handle up…lol

My birthday is a few months away and I have decided to take all that I have learned from my readings and life experiences and honor my much-needed change, but instead of changing from the outside in (like moving to a new city, or making a stupid purchase) I’m going make the change from inside out. Many of my plans failed, and my vision for my life has become a bit blurry. Never the less I just can’t give up. To kick off my change I have decided to go on a forty day fast, cleaning out all my STUFF…you know insecurities, fears, doubt, worry, depression and anything not identified with love. I am not a journal writer ( its just not my thing) so for forty days straight I will blog. Blogging will help stay focus and hold myself accountable for my fast. It’s a plan that I am determine to complete.

My plan is for this fast is to clear out all my “STUFF” and gain clear and complete vision for the direction I am going in my life. My goal is to become patient with myself as I work through the changes in my life. Everyday as I blog about my transformation I will be honest with myself and with what I feel. Now I am not trying to enter the holies of holies or, heal the sick, raise the dead, walk on water, cast out demons, or become a prophet. I just want to live a life of love, work in my purpose, and become my destiny.

I have researched a number of fast and on Monday May 17th, 2010 I will write about the fast I decide to do. Forty days is a lot of days but it’s worth it

Til next week
*Simply Lola*

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Simply Lola: In The Meantime

Sunday May 2, 2010 marked the day of grandmothers blessed birthday. She is now seventy-seven years young (lol). On the drive up to Kansas I was out voted by my five year old niece on not watching Tinkerbelle, and decided to read my book “In The Mean Time” by Iyanla Vanzant. I remember reading this book in college but never really understanding what the process of being in the “meantime’ really meant. I find myself drawn back to this book because I need a change in everything (life, scene, you name I need it changed)…lol. I am just not comfortable with were I am anymore. I am clear with what I want in my life but not exactly clear on how to get all of what I want. Most importantly, I am tired of making the same mistakes repeatedly expecting different results. The insanity must STOP! ( deep sigh…tragedy)

The book “In The Mean Time” states that life is formed in the womb, and how we are birth into the world shapes the characteristic and how we deal with life. I never really heard the story of my birth so I asked my mother about her most special day (giving birth to her oldest pride and joy..ME!).My mother knew she wanted me to be a singer. She said she cried a lot. My grandmother said she was very sensitive because she wanted everything just right. Through her pregnancy, she watched what she ate because she didn’t want to gain weight. She knew I was coming the day before I got here so she went to the beauty shop and got a good press and later to the mall to purchased a cute gown. The day of my birth she was in the middle of choir rehearsal and had to be carried to Wesley Hospital (I’m guess I caught the holy ghost and just had to come out…lol). It wasn’t long after she reached the hospital I came out yelling and screaming, there was need for me to be smacked on the butt, I made my known to the world of my arrival. She named me Lola, after my grandmother because she admired my grandmother strength and her determination (not really sure where Natisa came from).

As I listen to this magnificent story of my birth I’d drawn the conclusion of the type of person I am. I am emotional, dramatic sensitive singer, very obsessed with my weight, worried about the end result, and will look my best no matter where I’m going ( got to love a girl with great style). Now what in the world does mean, well I’m not quite sure I haven’t finished the book. I will say this, the ingredients used at my birth can be viewed as positive or negative. I believe them to be positive and with practice in giving them balances (you know, not being too emotional or overly sensitive/drama queen), they will become powerful.

I look at facebook and twitter reading the status of friends, family and a whole lot of strangers wondering if they are just as uneasy with where they are in life right now or is it just me. Surviving life can be hard. With mixed emotions and the uncertainties of our destiny and purpose, we find ourselves holding on for dear life. I want to be the great love of a great man and become a legacy of great music. I know I will become all that I desire in due time. I’m not sure how but in the mean time I am grandmothers namesake so I am determine to get through and be where I want to be.

This week, whatever it is that you want for you have the faith in knowing it will come to past. In the meantime, have the determination to get through the uncomfortable place you find yourself in.

Til Next Week
*Simply Lola*