Finding My Way To Love

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Too Color ( Have Sex) Or Not To Color... That Is The Question

I have a friend who has vowed not to perform any type of oral sex on any man until she is married. She feels as if this is her special gift to her husband on their wedding night, um no comment. A few of our other friends feel like its crap, but I believe her. I have another friend who has committed not to have any sexual orientation until he, yes HE is married to the woman that God has for him. I must say at our age these are very great (in size I mean) commitments, considering the society we live in its easy to think....WHO DOES That?!?! I kinda find it interested and I respect them, but I can't help  wonder ( as if I am the black Carrie Bradshaw )is To Color Or NOT To Color... that is the question

At my age I've colored with  a few good men who have dynamic brush strokes but I have also experienced some  good men with very disappointing painting performances(lol). Now I can't say the men with dynamic brush strokes treated me any better then the good men with disappointing painting performances. BUT! I can say I did stick around a whole lot longer with those who always knew how to create a master piece, lol (my poor mother is probably having a heart attack right now reading this.) To say sex (or as Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and The City would put it, coloring) is not important would be a bold face lie, especially if you're canvas as seen great art work. I mean since I've tested a few of my colors and discovered coloring outside the lines isn't so bad  and the F on my report card followed by a phone call doesn't stand for failure but for Fantastic! I kinda wanna keep that around especially if  the paintbrush comes with a hook or curves to the left a little (lol).. I'm just saying, those imparticular are very hard to come by but definitely a keeper if found (lol).  So to date and not do the do until I say I do... where will that put me? I'm kinda like my niece and nephews in this decision, I'd like to know whats underneath the tree before Christmas morning, if ya know what I mean.

Falashio on the other hand or so I've heard is an art form that can be taught. Men are open to being great teachers to women who are willing to learn and like wise with women. I figure as long as the both parties are willing to learn whats to each others liking they can live in holy matrimony,(clearly i'm not married but I'm guessing if its done right, in the words of T.I. You Can Have Whatever You Like,lol.

Now of course I know that there is more to getting married than great coloring sessions with happy endings. At some point both parties must love, respect, honor, trust and do some other stuff if they want to one day say "I Do". Steve Harvey's book "Act Like A Lady, Think Like a Man says because of that other stuff I just mention we (women) should wait 90 days, like a probationary period. I'm okay with waiting because I'd like to know before we start coloring that he's not going to beat me unconscious with his words or his fist. I'd also like to think I'm a spiritual person who loves God, even though I'm having this sinful conversation so its important to know that Jesus is on his side too. But after it is confirmed that my main male attraction is not a wanted felon who loves to make a woman's life hell on earth and he's got his life together but the coloring is absolutely awful?!? What am I to do? I'm not saying good men are hard to find but I am saying that this good woman is very tired of waiting to be found ,lol. Now somethings can be fix with the proper communication but size does matter and unlike breast there are no implants for a paint brush (lol). If I break up with him I'm shallow, but if I stay with him I'm settling!?!

After thinking about this long and hard I've drawn the conclusion that  the scale weights 50/50. You can color  or not color with him and he may or may not put a ring on it. There are some who wont consider a woman for marriage unless his paint brushed has been passionately kissed , and others who just don't care. Then there are those who require no passionate kisses but demand to paint up on thy precious canvas if marriage is considered. Same thing goes for women. At the end of the day It's different strokes for different folks. I feel like my friend Andre who is waiting to color is saying to God that he trust him to give him a wife that will be all I needs and so much more. As far as my other friend, um, yeah still no comment.

To my friends whose got the same questions that I do and more, I'd suggest do whats best for you. As a Sunday school teacher (I can feel my class getting smaller,already) it would be fitting to  practice Trust God method like Andre's doing , but I'm thinking 90 days might be a better fit for me,

Til Next Time:
Simply Lola

Friday, October 18, 2013

Surface Talk- It's THE.... OMG HE CALLED

Surface talk is the conversations we have in passing with strangers or people we barely know. Its the Good Morning!, how are you? talk we have while in the break room waiting to get coffee at work. Its the  polite but not personal way of sharing the same space with people we're not comfortable with. Surface talk is also the talk we have when we randomly call someone unsure of what to say or how to say what needs to be said underneath the surface. Men do this more than women, or at least that's what I think.  I don't know how men do it, but they know exactly the time and day to just get underneath your freakin skin,lol by talking about absolutely nothing, totally annoying,lol.

Yesterday while sitting at my desk watching the paint dry on the wall (it was a boring day at work) OMG he called (I haven't thought of a good nick name for him yet) but any way OMG!!! he called. He called and said, Hi. At first I didn't want to answer the phone but watching paint dry was no longer exciting so I surrendered to the sounds of my phone ringing. After the polite hellos were exchanged he started to talk about his adjustment to Oakland. He found a nice place to stay and was liking his work and blah, blah, blah. I'm not sure how the conversation of him coming home came about but he told me that even though it was his week off he wasn't going to be able to come home... I thought to myself, um okay? I asked him about his injury and apparently I had it wrong. I thought  he hurt his knee but I guess it was his quid, and of course he corrected me. I didn't even know he had the week off. I felt like he was disappointed that I hadn't been keeping up with him, which made me feel a little bad. But  HE missed my birthday so I say we're even. All and all nothing that needed to be said was said. Everything was lite and very surface.I mean I told him I bought a car and my hair is now blond,big deal.I feel like it was a very surface conversation mainly because I didn't know what to say and neither did he (or maybe he did, hell i don't know). So why am I still pondering over a conversation that went absolutely no where?!?!

Here's the thing about having surface talk with a guy I really have no closure with. It creates chaos in my mind. Especial if I haven't found any interest in any other guys. The sound of his voice puts me in a place of possibility and hope.The mire fact that he thought of me whither he was bored or really missed me it still feels good and I want to hold on the good feeling as long as possible.Its as if I want to create a conversation of him saying I miss you Lola, and I am ready!Ready to be with you, I am ready to act right and just love you Lola. And to prove it I bought a ticket for you come see me and we discuss our future (lol, I am so dramatic,lol ). Eventually the good feeling and fantasy fades quickly because the reality is that nothing was really said that needed to say.

There are all these reason why men call when its over, or you feel like its over. Some say because they want to make sure we're still an option. Others say its because they're bored, or they're trying to see where your head is at so they can get on your good side. To be honest I'm sure its all of the above. So what are we as women to do! I'm glad you asked...I have no earthly idea.The only thing I can think of is, Cuss em out and tell them to kick rocks and stop wasting your perious time,lol. But that's not a good idea because you will be labeled as the CRAZY LADY,lol. However, I will say not matter what the conversation is about stay true to your desire and stick to your guns. Don't forget why its over and don't surrender to a random call. My friend Monica said it best, people be it man or woman know how to get what they want. If there is more to come for whats on the surface then it will but if not LET IT GO! And believe if its not him then it will be someone else that will get underneath the surface and make it work with you.

Till Next Time
Simply Lola

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Sabotaging Love

It's always heart breaking to hear the man or woman you love but are no longer with has moved on. I don't care how old you get every time you breakup to not makeup with someone you just knew was the "One" you feel like you're taking a bullet all over again right in the heart. Well at least that's how I'm feeling right now. Just to hear that they are happy without me makes me feel like death. I mean it gets worse because I just want to know why I wasn't the one, why couldn't I make him happy... WHY DIDN'T HE CHOOSE ME!!! (tears for days just stream down my face and my mother, God bless her always says: I don't know why ya crying over him cause he aint thinking about you. And no matter how many times she says it, it NEVER makes me feel better, lol. I think to myself :Please lady keep your encouraging words to yourself

Around August of last year I started talking to a guy that I had known for at least five years. I met him at a bowling charity event that I was working for the Roy Williams Safety Net Foundation. He walked in and told me that he would participate in the event but he wasn't taking any pictures. I politely told him that taking pictures wasn't a choice, this was not a democracy but more of a dictatorship and I wasn't asking I was telling him to take the damn photo. He agreed if I took it with me.  Throughout the night we laughed and talked and I remember thinking to myself how he would make a great husband. But at the time I was so in love with the Titan I couldn't see the forest for the trees and I just didn't think much about it. Fast forward, I was visiting Dallas right before my moved to New York and I saw him at a pool party. Long story short we exchanged numbers, I moved to New York and he called a month later.

When we first started talking we talked everyday , we had so much in common and we just hit it off really well. A few months went by and well I really was beginning to be confused about where we were in our situation. I knew he didn't have a job at the moment and that was his main focus but I needed to know where we stood. I mean dang it had been 3 months and there was no efforts made to come see me and skpying was like pulling teeth. My job in New York was very stressful so I just couldn't handle stress in my personal life. So anyway after going back and forth for a few days he tells me that "We Are Building A Foundation For Something Special" What!?!, was the response in my head but what I said was okay, considering he was looking for work. But my commitment to being OK didn't last very long and one day I was thinking way too much and was all in my feelings and I just couldn't take it. I wrote him and email explaining that I had had IT!!! I listed over a million things he was NOT doing and  I was just tired of waiting. He eventually wrote me back letting how he really liked me and  how great I was and blah, blah,blah. And of course I fell for it and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING CHANGED.

I move back to Dallas (but not for him) and he gets a job in Oakland. He tells me that once he's settled in his place he was gonna send for me. At this point I am Overly Excited but the feelings of happiness soon fade and once again I get into my feeling and out of no where I send text message letting him know that I wasn't going to come to Oakland unless we are in a serious relationship and that at this point in my life I am ready to get married and if that's not what he wants then we should just part ways ( I know you're reading this thinking crazy, slow down,lol). This time he didn't respond and it that was a month ago.

What I have discovered is that every time I start to get something good going with someone I really like I find a way to sabotage it and I just don't know why I do that. I really want to be in love with someone who loves me but I can't figure out why I quickly get impatient and just walk away only wanting to go back yet again to make it work. But then its too late. I'm sure to him I look like a  crazy woman who doesn't know what she wants and I'll own that.I know that I over reacted out of the fact that I didn't trust him to follow through because he rarely did. He rarely came through on a promise. I can't help but wonder had I just not said those words would things be different, would we have worked out. I know i can't change the past or even redeem myself with him. Its over and I accept my part in the tragic ending. I try my best not to beat myself up about it because it happen and well what can I do but live, learn and just move on. I sabotage love and now I am learning why I do it and how to stop doing it.

To my friend whose reading and may have the questions I have, one thing is for sure and that is in ALL relationships teach us about us. We learn who we are and who we want to be. As I try to figure out why I keep manipulating love to go the wrong way I encourage to to discover what you may need to change about you for the next love of your life. Change is good, Growth is even better

Till Next Time
Simply Lola

Friday, October 4, 2013


I've been talking (more like text messaging)  3 guys for a couple of weeks and I'm so confuse on what the heck is going on. I mean none of them have picked up their phones and called me. To top it all off the text messages are so random that it totally annoys me. One of the guys my sister set me up with and in as much as I was totally against going out with him, I've found a way to have an open mind and see what he's about. But this fool is dragging his feet. We're suppose to go on a date and um yeah... I'm just not sure when that will take place. Its been three weeks! Seriously, I get it, if he's just not that into me that's fine, but don't waste my time.At my age I have a shortage of eggs and aging ovaries, Aint No Body Got Time Fa That,lol.

What sucks is I feel like I'm a pretty cool girl who doesn't ask for much. I mean a good happy hour or brunch is a great date to me. I am all for waiting to take me to Del Frisco's after you've confirmed with yourself that you are totally into me.  I do like talking on the phone, what I don't like is sending 20,000 text messages throughout the day, talking about absolutely nothing . I mean if a man calls me I'm not going ask him to pay my car note..Oh yeah I got me a car, a BMW at that and yes I'm feeling good about that(lol). But back to the lecture at hand. I just don't understand why I have to pull teeth to get the simple things in life. I mean seriously a conversation on the phone and setting a date for us to go out shouldn't take an act of congress. There are some days that I feel if lesbians were born with a penis I 'd cross over to the other side, lol. But since it really doesn't take 2 to work my toys I'll just keep playing on team Heterosexual.

Most single women want the same thing to be loved, adored and to be a priority. Its only in the thugged out rap songs that women want to be showered in Gucci, Louie, Prada.  I will admit in secret I am a label whore, but  its not the most important thing I want. I just want to have this chemistry that is undoubtedly real between me and him (who ever he is). I want the attraction to be equal , not I like him more than he likes me or he likes me and I'm just not interested. I want to just come home take off  my clothes, put on his old football jersey and watch TV next to him. I want him to just laugh at all the silly things I do. None of my request require a man to have to take out a second mortgage to make me happy!  So I ask why in the world does it take so much to get something so little? WHY DO MEN DRAG THEIR FEET?