Finding My Way To Love

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Sabotaging Love

It's always heart breaking to hear the man or woman you love but are no longer with has moved on. I don't care how old you get every time you breakup to not makeup with someone you just knew was the "One" you feel like you're taking a bullet all over again right in the heart. Well at least that's how I'm feeling right now. Just to hear that they are happy without me makes me feel like death. I mean it gets worse because I just want to know why I wasn't the one, why couldn't I make him happy... WHY DIDN'T HE CHOOSE ME!!! (tears for days just stream down my face and my mother, God bless her always says: I don't know why ya crying over him cause he aint thinking about you. And no matter how many times she says it, it NEVER makes me feel better, lol. I think to myself :Please lady keep your encouraging words to yourself

Around August of last year I started talking to a guy that I had known for at least five years. I met him at a bowling charity event that I was working for the Roy Williams Safety Net Foundation. He walked in and told me that he would participate in the event but he wasn't taking any pictures. I politely told him that taking pictures wasn't a choice, this was not a democracy but more of a dictatorship and I wasn't asking I was telling him to take the damn photo. He agreed if I took it with me.  Throughout the night we laughed and talked and I remember thinking to myself how he would make a great husband. But at the time I was so in love with the Titan I couldn't see the forest for the trees and I just didn't think much about it. Fast forward, I was visiting Dallas right before my moved to New York and I saw him at a pool party. Long story short we exchanged numbers, I moved to New York and he called a month later.

When we first started talking we talked everyday , we had so much in common and we just hit it off really well. A few months went by and well I really was beginning to be confused about where we were in our situation. I knew he didn't have a job at the moment and that was his main focus but I needed to know where we stood. I mean dang it had been 3 months and there was no efforts made to come see me and skpying was like pulling teeth. My job in New York was very stressful so I just couldn't handle stress in my personal life. So anyway after going back and forth for a few days he tells me that "We Are Building A Foundation For Something Special" What!?!, was the response in my head but what I said was okay, considering he was looking for work. But my commitment to being OK didn't last very long and one day I was thinking way too much and was all in my feelings and I just couldn't take it. I wrote him and email explaining that I had had IT!!! I listed over a million things he was NOT doing and  I was just tired of waiting. He eventually wrote me back letting how he really liked me and  how great I was and blah, blah,blah. And of course I fell for it and ABSOLUTELY NOTHING CHANGED.

I move back to Dallas (but not for him) and he gets a job in Oakland. He tells me that once he's settled in his place he was gonna send for me. At this point I am Overly Excited but the feelings of happiness soon fade and once again I get into my feeling and out of no where I send text message letting him know that I wasn't going to come to Oakland unless we are in a serious relationship and that at this point in my life I am ready to get married and if that's not what he wants then we should just part ways ( I know you're reading this thinking crazy, slow down,lol). This time he didn't respond and it that was a month ago.

What I have discovered is that every time I start to get something good going with someone I really like I find a way to sabotage it and I just don't know why I do that. I really want to be in love with someone who loves me but I can't figure out why I quickly get impatient and just walk away only wanting to go back yet again to make it work. But then its too late. I'm sure to him I look like a  crazy woman who doesn't know what she wants and I'll own that.I know that I over reacted out of the fact that I didn't trust him to follow through because he rarely did. He rarely came through on a promise. I can't help but wonder had I just not said those words would things be different, would we have worked out. I know i can't change the past or even redeem myself with him. Its over and I accept my part in the tragic ending. I try my best not to beat myself up about it because it happen and well what can I do but live, learn and just move on. I sabotage love and now I am learning why I do it and how to stop doing it.

To my friend whose reading and may have the questions I have, one thing is for sure and that is in ALL relationships teach us about us. We learn who we are and who we want to be. As I try to figure out why I keep manipulating love to go the wrong way I encourage to to discover what you may need to change about you for the next love of your life. Change is good, Growth is even better

Till Next Time
Simply Lola

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