Tuesday, May 24, 2011
There is a difference between bad days and just down right shitty days. Bad days are usually a day where you receive tragic news like your favorite aunt passed away from old age. It's just one piece of news that you get out of no were on a normal day. A shitty day however, is a day where you are late for work because you over slept, your car is on empty but you only have $10 to your name, gas is $4 a gallon and you don't get paid for another two weeks. Finally you get to work and your boss is mad because the day you needed to be on time you're late. And for that you get a verbal and written warning for your tardiness.Then your boss realizes that you are on your third strike and so you get fired. Only to get home and hear that your favorite aunt died from old age. So now you have very little to no gas, no money, no job and no more favorite aunt. Shitty, as you can see are days were everything falls apart on after another. Today I am having a shitty day for.
I woke up this morning running late to work. Only to get to work and find a collection of silly mistakes in my work area. I am a college graduate that is struggling to do something as simple as ship off packages to its correct address, and carelessly leaving my register open over night ( thankfully no money is in the drawer). Not only that but the Titan is in town and I want to see him but if I do see him what will happen...my friends will declare me as the dumb girl that keeps falling for a love that is not attainable, if I don't see him I will wish I saw him. On top of that I still have got to find a place to stay and time is running out. Last but not least I reviewed my back account and my cell phone provider charged me twice leaving me in the negative balance and I ask you what did i do to deserve this?!?!?. This my friend is a very shitty day.
It's days like these that a single woman wishes even more that she had a man ( a least I do) With everything going wrong I'd give anything to hear him ( whoever he is) say ...Aww baby it's ok and then make me laugh for a few seconds, taking me to dinner late. Instead I have to resort to going in the bathroom to cry like a baby on my fifteen minute break, and beg God to have a little mercy, because drinking on the job is automatic termination (lol). After begging and pleading with God to please just help me get through the day I take a deep breath and continue to survive the day. I go back to my work area review my mistakes make the corrections and move forward hoping I have a job on Monday (lol). Then I call my bank and cell phone provider and let them know what has happen so they can make the necessary correction ( give me my money back!). As for a place to stay I have faith I will find one, and as far as the Titan, well I just don't know yet. I can only trust I do whats best for me.
After a few tears and simple pray I don't feel 100% better but I realize that I'm not dying even though I felt like it, shit happens. To my friend who feels like life has pooped all over you, trust me I know that feeling. Most mistakes can be corrected and the ones that can't you live, learn and just move on. Shitty days happen but they do get better.
Til Next Time
Saturday, May 21, 2011
It has gotten to be a routine for my friends to call me with a disclaimer stating that whatever we talk about is between us and they don’t want to see our discussion in my next blog (lol). As a friend I would never tell the world my friends fornication confessions. I would never say anything about my friends new boyfriend’s paint brush curves to the right a little (he’s got the hook) or that one of them had a blind date who turns out to be a professional stalker. I would never tell anyone about the freaky role playing my friend enjoys with her “secret lover”. I pride myself in being a good friend and would never share my friends fornication confessions, their secret are totally safe with me (lol)
Confessions are private thoughts that for some reason haunt us until we break down and tell someone we can trust and wont judge us. Catholics confide in priests and my friends confide in me. As for me I make my confessions to my sister. My sister was without a phone this week and that left me traumatized. What was I going to do!?!? Who else was I going to talk to about my colorless life. With my sister not having a phone and my friends working real jobs (the type of jobs that require you to produce work) I had no other choice but to …BLOG.
Stress has gotten the best of me. So much is going in my life. My nanny gig will be over sooner, much sooner than I expected and I have to find a place to live. Which means I have got to get another job because I only work part time at Barneys New York Co-OP ( I’ll be damn to let go of that job) and I have to find a place to stay within three weeks ( anyone know someone with a room for rent). Not only that but I have to find a place that has good access to the bus and train station, because with my nanny job being over I have to leave the car with the family. With my life changing drastically I find myself wanting to just run away, not just run away but run away in the arms of a strong, sexy, black ( not blue black, just black) man. Yall know how I love a big guys, like Tommie Harris (is he single). At this very moment one can say I am on edge and would like to relieve the stress of my world through coloring. As a woman with morals I am not suppose to say this. I am suppose to go to church, and pray. But even a woman with morals wants to have a hoe moment. A moment where she can color without being self conscious or worried about being noted or judge from a Strawberry letter on the Steve Harvey Morning Show. You can say what you want but women with morals we’re a little jealous of hoes/groupies. I mean hoes/groupies not only get to cum while coloring but they gets paid for it. Ok some will call their life style prostitution but I call it smart. Let me be real; there have been times were I just wished I could have told a brotha to pay me for his poor performance.
One may ask so why don't I just go flirt with the first fine man that approaches me and get on!?!?Well to answer the question it has crossed my mind but the chances of it being worth a good joy ride are 50/50. It's clear my painter would be a liberating moment (one night stand. Either way if its good I will only escape my life just for a few hours, if its bad i will only want to take his life in less than an hour (lol). In as much as I want to feel the deep strokes of a masculine man paintbrush stroking deep strokes one after another (lol)I just need to relax, have a glass of wine go to sleep and activate the words of my friend Omari, just embrace my struggle(lol).
To my friend who had found herself in a bind and just wants to conform to the ways of coloring with a liberating moment. Trust me I am there with you, but if we surrender to our emotions we'll kick ourselves in the morning. So embrace your struggle enjoy a glass of wine. If nothing else you’ll have a good night sleep, waking up focusing on what’s important.(lol)
Til Next Time
Friday, May 20, 2011
The big news this past week was Kim Kardashian is getting married to a basketball player that is only famous because he has committed to only coloring with a woman who has made a name for herself by coloring with many. Can you believe it a woman who is known for coloring with all shades of men is saying "I Do" to um...what is his name...um something Humpfry or Murffy. Not only that but video vixen Amber Rose is telling all her fornication confessions and how she is more than Fuckable to Vibe Magazine this month. Who would have thought!?!?!, both women are famous for becoming sex goddess through leaking private porn of their own and dating super stars that the simple girl like me only dream about while pleasing ourselves. Some may say I'm hating, and you're absolutely right. I hate that I have been carefully counting my coloring painters and these two have been coloring with countless men (sorry, emotional venting,lol). Have you any idea how many men I've turn down all for the sake of my reputation...LOTS. I may not have a big butt or a banging body but I got damn good skin, and a beautiful smile (lol). Of course these men I'vee said no to weren't super star either, they were more like super freaks,but that's not the point, I still said no...well sometimes (lol). These women waste no time jumping from one man to another, while I am just waiting for one...just one. I'm sure these ladies are great women with a brain to match their exotic booty's and bodies, but it just suck for a lady like me who's waiting for love to find out that you don't have to be a lady at all to get love (lol)
Like many of us single ladies, I've wasted time trying to complete with the Kim Kardashians, and Amber Roses of the world and totally dismissing other things in my life like my music.Oh sure these are the women men say they love to look at but don't want but the truth is if the opportunity presented itself they'd be all over any video vixen, playboy bunny that gave them the time of day(lol,but that's neither here nor there. I may not have an ass like Kim Kardashian or killer body like Amber Rose but what I have that they don't have is raw talent. I can sang like it aint nothing honey. And with my basic booty and average body I can sing so good it will have any man moving to a rhythm that makes him want to color me beautiful.
I've always wanted to record my very own album but of course I've been waiting for a label to sign me. Times have changed and now a days I don't need a label to record an album, all I need is me, my music and a really good producer. I have all of these things, so as I wait for him (again, who ever he is...lol) I am recording my very own album, having my first song to be put on itunes at the end of this week...I'm so excited.
There's a quote on my vision board that says "I started winning when I stopped whinnying". It's a waste of time to dwell on things, be it a man, child, or new job, that we don't have. Waiting is a time to maximize life with what you do have. Waiting is not a time to wait for life to happen but its a time to create and explore every way possibility we may have. To my friend who is ready and waiting for love to come, for him to love you.You and I both know we are loving creatures and as we wait for him we will love what we have and maximize our time by using our talents and gifts to creat life.
Til Next Time
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I’ve been in Atlanta for about 5 months now and I am home sick. The truth is I have no idea why I even moved back here in the first place. I blame the Titan, had he just ignored at that one party instead of telling me he loved me I would be in Dallas happy and hating him (lol). I moved here to find love and pursue my music career. I’m so tired of my music career I could just scream. I have been professionally working on this thing for 10 years and the most I’ve gotten from it is a lot of disappointment (kinda like my dates lately lol). The one thing that keeps me going is my friend Cory, he’s always making sure I am staying on top of things (got to love him ). Honestly, I’d rather be married coloring with my husband than running from party to party, networking event to networking trying to figure out whose real and who’s fake. I’m so exhausted. I feel like I want to be rescued from myself, if that makes any sense. Where are you, handsome black prince, take me away and spoil me with your love day and night (deep sigh). Now that I think about it, what straight woman moves to Atlanta for love!?!? As much I would love to sugar code it, Atlanta has got more flaming female wanna be’s than anything else I know. All the more reason I am not coloring at this time, I don’t know whose straight or who’s gay or who’s straight and gay (lol). So I just keep my cookies in my cookie jar. Love is not on my side in Atlanta neither is the music world, yet I press on .
I miss home so much. I miss my niece and nephew (his birthday party was last week, and I wasn’t there ) I miss my drunk uncles and their drama filled girlfriends, I miss my sister threatening her to beat her kids with their own legs if that show out at school. I miss calling my friend Robyn at the last minute begging her to go to a party with me knowing she has got to be at work early in the morning. I miss having drinks with Lauren at Houlahans (happy hour Friday nights). I my friends Daylon and Reggie being annoyed with me because I’m trying to tag along everywhere they go (lol) I even miss running into the Titan at a party and ignoring him the whole night as if I could careless if he was there. I really got good at pretending to not care (lol). I mostly miss singing with my mom on Sundays mornings. Singing at the am service was the only thing we really shared a bond doing. The praise and worship songs never changed Glory, Glory Hallelujah Since I laid my burdens down (lol). I miss everything but I can’t go back because I’m crying like a baby. I have to stay and make the most of this interesting situation I’m in.
Every time something doesn’t go my way I want pack up and move. Even with men, they make me mad I just walk away without working it out, ignoring the mess I made. Not this time! I’m determine to create a master piece out of this moving mess I’ve made. I realize that singing the shoulda, coulda, woulda song only gets in the way of me living my life, and really exploring my options. I’m a grown woman and it is high time I start taking responsibility for my actions and accepting the choices I’ve made. Things are not that bad I am in two bands and I am recording my music, it just a very, I mean very slow process. I just wish things were better and moving faster, and that I could get some damn sleep. Oh how I would give anything for some S.L.E.E.P. I remember what my friend Angela said to me a while back; when you can’t do anything about your outside world just wake up every morning and say “This Is The Day That The Lord Has Made, I Will Rejoice, and Be Glad in it. So for now that is exactly what I am going to do.
To my friend who is home sick, trust me, I understand the feeling. Throwing in the towel now would be useless. You and I may not can change our outside world situations but we can change how we live within them. Embrace how you feel and just know “This Is The Day That The Lord Has Made, I Will Rejoice and Be Glad In It.
Til Next Time
Friday, May 13, 2011
Every Sunday I call my grandmother just to check and see how she’s doing. This week I was talking to her and she was telling me about a old white man who asked her how does she stay looking so young and pretty. She told me with confidence; I told that white man I don’t drink, I don’t smoke and I don’t commit adultery!(lol) I laughed so hard and said; well Granny I don’t smoke and I don’t commit adultery either(lol). She said whispering as if she didn’t want my grandfather to her, I know you don’t commit adultery cause you aint married, but Tisa ( that’s what she calls me) you do fornicate, you got stop letting niggas play in ya tail. She said; I need to wait on the good Lord to send you a good husband that don’t beat on ya who aint a sorry ass and then you let him love on ya ( my granny has such a way with words…lol) and to think this is the same woman that is an ordain minister, the president of the womens mission board for the National Southern Baptist Convention and teaches Sunday school classes every Sunday
After talking to my grandmother I got to thinking about my blog “More Than Just Fuckable”. To say the least I got more comments on my facebook page than I’ve ever gotten about anything I’ve ever written. Many women found my writing on point and very funny, while others (mostly church going, bible totting judgmental Christians, and a few angry men ...lol) found it offensive. A former member of my dad’s church sent me a message on facebook deeply expressing her concerns about my being promiscuous. When I read her message I was flattered that she thought I had such an active coloring life. I informed her that there was no need to worry I have paused all coloring activity until I meet the man I will spend the rest of my life with. No sooner than I sent her that message it was if the flood gates of horny had open up.I woke the next morning needing an orgasm (lol) I went to the gym early as usual to work off the intention and it looked as though I walked into a world of shirtless men. Every man with a six to eight pack stomach was determine to show off their muscles. With water was glistening all over their body ( Martin Lawrence) Oh Lord give me strength. I went to work and what do you know my first assignment of the day was to undress the male manikins for a floor change. The male manikins at Barney’s New York are not your usual manikins, oh no these manikins are have artificial packages (if you know what I mean) and they come with pretty nice size packages, I must say the turn off is they’re blue plastic people (literally the color blue) Having to put pants on fake men while looking directly at their paintbrushes was frustrating than using a vibrator and having it cut off right in the middle of a happy ending because the batteries go dead. At the end of the day I felt like such a hypocrite. Here I am writing about how I have more than just a good time , or jumpoff and now I’m lying in my bed wanting to feel the opposite sex jump on top of me giving me a good time (tragic just tragic). I mean really, I just preached to the world that I am a lady who deserves to be loved, adored and respected, but know I'd give anything for some deep brush strokes while pulling my hair just a little ending with a good night sleep....don't judge :/
So what do I do? My grandmother said to wait on the good Lord to send me a husband. But just how long do I have to wait. I'm a middle aged woman with physical needs (lol). It sucks being a woman sometimes,our emotions have a mind of their own leading us one step at a time to the crazy house (lol). Don't get me wrong i really want to be a in a passionate, loving, romantic relationship with my dream lover but at the say time I have needs....physical needs that are really playing on my physiological emotions. The truth is I don't have many options at the moment so for right now I will take my granny’s advice and just wait on the good Lord to send me a husband that don’t beat or treat me bad and color with him as much as possible, making up for lost time (lol). F.Y.I; I’m only doing this for as long as I can.
To my friend who feel like a freaky hypocrite. I don’t know what to tell but honey I feel ya (lol). Follow the advice of Lola Mae ( my grandmother) for as long as you can. But if just can’t wait I understand and wont judge you (lol).
Til Next Time
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Last year I volunteered for “The Roy Williams Safety Net Foundation”, Roy Williams of the Cincinnati Bengals , that is, not the rude wide receiver of the Dallas Cowboys . I took on being a full time volunteer because it kept me busy. 2010 wasn’t the worst year of my life but it was pretty bad. I was back in Dallas with no car, no job, no money and living with my parents. I had given up everything for my big dreams of being a star in the ATL. In a nut shell life happens and that’s that. One could say Roy’s foundation was my safety net from falling into a great depression. I woke every morning faithful at 8am and rode the bus down town, hitched a ride with my friend Daylon and answered the phones and emails everyday for months. Working mostly around men I got to know how they think, and understand their nature a little more. There are two things they taught me indirectly and directly. They taught me that men are simple and don’t need closure to move one. I’m a woman, meaning I’m complicated and I need whatever I start to have an ending. It’s like coloring; if a man is going to paint on my canvas I need him to complete the picture with a satisfying orgasm.
Saturday night I went to a friend of mines boyfriends fight party, which meant there were going be M.E. N. in the building (lol). When I arrived to the party I was excited, bubbly, and ready to flirt. After being there for a few minutes I realized that my friend’s boyfriends guest were a bunch of stiffs. There were mostly couples engaging in “new married life” conversation and the single guys that were there had ego’s bigger than their paint brushes (penises) I drew the conclusion very early that there would be no love matches for me that night, and that I wasted a perfectly good sexy outfit on pure boredom. In as much of the party being a drag I didn’t want to go home, so I stayed. As sat in a seat in the corner of have large house and remembered how much the Titan loved boxing. This particular fight sold out in 48 hours, I wondered if the Titan was one of the few to get a ticket in such little time. So I texted him and asked. He responded telling me he had some business to take of elsewhere and couldn’t make it Vegas. It was with my simple text that we engaged in small talk via text. Nothing serious just questions like how was I doing, what’s been going on in our lives, blah, blah, blah. With the lock out and all he’s manage to keep himself pretty busy. Working so hard, he called me later that night to find out who won the big fight. I told him Pacquia punch Suga Shan Mosley out and laughed like old times. Our laughing grew to an awkward silence and out of no where the Titan, got serious. He asked me why has it been so long sense we’ve seen each other. Searching for a clever lie to tell, like I’ve been so busy with music and my new boyfriend that I don’t have I found the truth and said because I don’t trust myself around him. Respecting my honest answer he opened up and became honest with me. For an hour and a half the Titan told me how he actually felt about me, and I was silent the whole time (I know, shocking). I listened to him tell me the sexiest thing about me was me just being me. He told me he had never met a woman that made him want to be a better man, and how I challenge him to face himself and deal with who he is.
As I listen to him talk to me about me I made sure my ears took every word in, and my heart embraced every statement with love. At the end of our talk he let me know that all he ever wanted for me was to be happy and that I deserve the best, be it music or a man. He made me promise I would never settle for less.
I accepted a while ago that the Titan and I would probably never live happily ever after together forever.But I’m a woman and that means I still need closure, and that’s just what I got…closure. To my single friend needing closure from your own love warrior, all I can say is it will come when you least expect it. It will come at a time when you are ready to accept the truth and ready to move on.
Til Next Time
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
At the beginning of the year (actually New Years day) I created a vision board. It was my way of telling the universe/ God what I wanted in and for my life. On my vision board, I put pictures of objects that symbolized love and commitment with the man of my dreams. I even put words that described our relationship. Like, leader, romance, love, trust, magnetic personality, friendship, made for me, man of style and so on an so forth. I even creatively made a figure of a man saying “Lola will you marry me”(lol). Not only did I do a vision board, but I went on a fast for 30 day …30 DAYS of just beans, water, fruit and vegetables minus butter, sugar, and anything else making vegetables worth eating. To top off the vision board and the 30 day fast, I get up every morning and workout like I’m training for a damn triathlon.Oh and did I mention I too know Jesus (lol) I do all of this only find men only interested in my Vagina!!!(the most non productive part of my body)!
I've been on a few dates this year with a few different guys and it seems that the only thing any of these men seem to be interested in is my vagina. It doesn’t matter that I watch sport center, or that I am a college graduate with long term goals, having hobbies like volunteering at elementary schools with at risk youth, because most of the men want to know can I make my pussy clap(tragic just tragic). I go on these dates with high hopes with great expectations, ready to converse about current events, the NFL draft, NBA playoffs, and the Royal Wedding (hey, I’m a girl, lol) only for the guy to be itching to pinch a titty, grab my ass, and play in between my thighs. As shocking as this may sound men I am more than just Fuckable! I can do more then just moan and groan pretending to enjoy the gabbing of your penis during a night of non passionate four play.
I find it interesting that my vagina is more interesting than anything else I have to offer. It’s as if men feel like it's a form of art designed differently on each woman they encounter. It’s not. Unless a woman has patiently be dazzled her private parts for fun, most of them look the same, and do the same. It gets wet, it has a g-spot ( some more hidden than others), if you hit the spot right it will squirt bodily fluids on to your sheets. It bleeds and it comes with baggage. Nothing more and certainly ,nothing less.
I know I sound overly emotional but something has got to give. Of course I ( as do many women) enjoy the art of coloring. But there comes a point in a woman’s life where we don’t just want be fucked and forgotten before we can even leave the man’s home. I can only speak for me but coloring with no connection can make a woman feel as if we don' count, mostly not matter. I mean most of us are aware of the situations we put ourselves in but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. It’s like you go over a guy’s house or the other way around only to wake up having to put the pieces of our self-esteem/self-worth back together attempting to make us whole, yet again. Kind of like a wealthy man who only is worth a fuck because of his financial wealth.If i asked a man what his bank account was looking like, I'de classified as a gold digging hoe,but would I be wrong. No! because pussy pampering cost, and if you gone play in it then by all means pay ya dame pussy bill (lol). Then lies the question why do it, why have a one night stand, or give into the temptation coloring activity when we (better yet, I)know its a dead end to misery.The answer is simple, because we want to be desired and not be alone…even if it’s for a few hours. I'm at a point ( as many women my age are) where I want to be desired for a life time by one man. I want to be kissed by someone that remembers the color of my eyes. I want to make love to someone and not have to immediately look for my shoes, panties, and bra having to rush out the door because I don’t want to wear out my welcome. I know men are visual people, all I am asking is that I would be visualized as beautiful , and smart, not just Fuckable (lol).
To the guy reading this ready to battle in a debate, I’m sure you just want to have fun for one night. I believe you should do just what you want to do, just don’t ask me on a date because I am more than just fuckable(lol).
Til Next Time
Sunday, May 1, 2011
I’ve been missing in action because I’ve been pretty busy. I have decided to put out my own album so I’ve hooked up with a few producers and now I am writing and recording my own music (so, excited). With making the commitment to putting out my own music I been looking for another part time job to cover the cost of mixing and mastering. In the midst of me recording and job hunting I went on a 30 day Daniel Fast with my church and I must say each day felt like more of a crucifixion rather than a sacrifice. I gave up everything I substitute coloring with, coke, coffee, cocktails and carbohydrates, basically anything with sinful fatty calories (lol). For thirty days I was a hungry, horny woman with Jesus in my heart (lol). Never the less I survived the sacrificial crucifixion. I was proud that I didn’t have any crack head relapses, having self control and not yielding to temptation. When I would see a big plate of tasty food I would close my eyes, in hale the yummy smells and say, Dear God, is this really worth it!?!?! I guess it was, I landed a gig (job) with Barney’s New York, the coop store.
Feeling really proud of my accomplishments, a new job and a new beginning I set out to celebrate watching the Hawks play the Magic and the Hornets play the Lakers at Straits, a popular restaurant in Atlanta. The restaurant is owned by super star rapper Ludacris. Tuesday nights are its most popular night, well it’s the night where local celebrities and off season athletes come to kick it. As usual I went alone. The place was packed but I manage to find an empty seat at the bar. Excited to be in the company of sinful substitutes and flattered that the gentleman sitting next to me offered to buy me drink, I happily ordered a cosmopolitan. Attempting to engage in small talk about the basketball playoff games, I quickly let him know that I only watch basketball because it gives me something to talk about with my dad, but I am much more of a football fan. Glad to hear my choice of sport he told me his occupation. He is an offensive tackle for the Buffalo Bills. His youthful personality had me question his age, sure enough he was a rookie …23 years old (great, just what I need, a baby for a boyfriend…(lol). He asked for my number. Despite the huge age difference between us I went against my better judgment and gave it to him anyway. Later that night he text me asking for me to send him a picture of me, my response was No. I could already tell this wasn’t going to be a match made in heaven. We didn’t speak the same language. He speaks text message and I speak verbal communication. We continued to talk his language throughout the week and later agreeing to hookup over the weekend.
After band rehearsal on Saturday I set out to hang out with my young rookie. Our eventful date consist of him shopping. I watched him purchase a Gucci watch complimented by black diamond earrings. As he showered himself with fancy gifts I thought about how the art of dating is a dying concept. I wanted to have dinner at a nice restaurant and walk around the city talking engaging in conversation just enjoying each others company. Not watching him splurge on himself during a recession (I know I’m sounding a bit envious, the truth is I was (lol). After he had enough of spoiling himself we headed back to his place and took a nap. There was a big party later that night but I encourage him to enjoy the nightlife without me and I headed home.
On my drive home from a long day with the young rick rookie, I thought about dating and how it is so similar to shopping. For the most part when I go to the mall I am in search for something. Most of the time I can't decribe what I'm looking for. All I know is I want something that will look great on me, complementing my skin tone, and that is flattering to my body features. I want to walk out with something that makes me feel sexy and confident as if it were made just for me. When I can't find what I want I purchase something, not what I really want but will do for the moment.I'll eventually wear it one time,only having it hang in the closet to be never worn again.
My young rich rookie was a one time wear. Leaving me to continue to shop for my hearts desire. Eventually I will stumble up on the one man that will make me feel sexy, beautiful and well loved. He will fit just right complimenting my personality, and having the same interest as I do.
To my friend that is still shopping for love. Dating can be exhausting but please know men that are like one time wear dresses keep us hopeful for long time saticfaction.
Till Next time