Finding My Way To Love

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Simply Lola : No longer Wearing Bitch

Simply Lola : No longer Wearing Bitch

Simply Lola: No Longer Wearing B%TCH
This past weekend I was reminded in the most beautiful way that dreams do come true (well half way true). There he was standing 6”4 weighing in at 295 pounds and looking like an oversize dark chocolate heresy bar (yum), the one and only Mr. Tommie Harris of the Chicago Bears ( deep sigh). No worries friends I didn’t stalk him or tell him the names of our un born children, I figure I would save that for our first date…lol. He was holding his annual celebrity golf tournament in Norman Oklahoma. Many famous athletes traveled from everywhere to support Mr. Harris make a different in the lives of young children. There were eighteen holes of very cold weather with hamburgers and hotdogs. My team (Roy, Daylon and Jay) cheated and we still didn’t win (tragedy). At the watch party for the Lakers &Thunder basketball game, Tommie and I sang a duet (oh I should have taken a picture, damn). We sang “Emotional” by Faith Evans and Carol Thomas. It would have been the perfect picture of my dream but Mr. Harris forgot the words to the song (I guess I’m the only Faith Evans fan…lol) hopefully if we ever sing again I’ll pick a church song. I bet he knows the words to all the Baptist hymns (singing: Oh how I Love Jesus) (lol).

Overall, I really enjoyed myself just hanging out with family, and good people. I indirectly met the UT super star wider receiver for the Dallas Cowboys (Roy Williams). I was sitting next to a very nice young Asian woman golfer when the former Detroit Lion now Dallas Cowboy walks in and introduce himself only to the Asian golfer. I sat there wondering if I magically disappeared and he couldn’t see me, but when the Asian golfer looked at me and notice that he only spoke to her and not me I realized I was still physically visible. It was clear he was attracted to the Asian golfer and that wasn’t my problem ( she’s a very pretty lady). The problem was that he was rude. Another young athlete noticed the awkward situation intervened, and he introduced himself to both of us. I later saw Mr. Williams at the Laker/OKC Thunder watch party and wanted to ask why didn’t he speak to both the Asian golfer and myself. I wanted to know if he was freaked out with the color of my skin, were micro braids just a bit to afro centric for the conservative man he is, or was just doing his best to be an asshole. As disturbing, as it was for me to experience this type of behavior from a black man it made me feel good to see myself growth. I was shocked but I didn’t become upset or angry. I kept my cool wearing my one of a kind self-confidence, never changing into the out dated fashion of bitch. There was no need to, my black is beautiful and well his black is just rude.

As a single black woman, I use to transform myself to the likeness for superficial black man. I would mask my kinky hair with perms and weaves. Every morning I’d put on my magic body shape (girdle) hoping to transform into the plastic perfection of my childhood idol…Barbie. In the midst of my uncomfortable costume, I was still an unacceptable sight for eyes of my shallow black male lovers. I 'd makeup my face wearing colors of hate, anger and frustration (better known as BITCH) just so I can get through the day. Exhausted from defending and protecting the little bit of self-respect I had left I would peel off the uncomfortable costume and realize my emotional pain was cancerous to my soul. At night, lonely tears soothed the pain of resentment in my heart. Then I had a thought…. am I that bad. In all the bad there has to be some good. I started to notice my almond shaped eyes, my enchanting smile, and flawless skin. I realized the outside of my painting isn’t so bad. Then I saw the beauty of my giving spirit, and loving heart. Slowly I begin to love what my black boyfriends couldn’t see, and no longer needed to wear bitch for confidence.
This week find the beauty of yourself and love it with all you got. If you don’t love you, who will.

*Simply Lola*

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Simply Lola: Loosing Sight

Meryl Streep was nominated for best actress at this year’s Oscars for her potrayal as Julia Childs in the movie Julia &Julia. This movie is about a woman who moves to France with her husband and finds a passion for French cooking. Her passion for French cooking later transforms into a book, television show, movie and now a legend. Her legacy travels decades later into the life of a young woman living in Queens New, York in search of self-fulfillment. The younger Julia finds joy in cooking for her and husband. Identifying the flaw of starting things and not completing them, she decides for one year to cook every recipe in the legendary Julia Childs French cookbook and write a blog about her cooking experience. The young Julia starts her newfound venture off with excitement and anticipation not knowing what to expect. Throughout the movie the young Queens cook/writer develops a since of obsession with the American French cook. The simple obsession turns into emotional meltdowns and frustrating fights with her husband, allowing her to lose sight of her end goal of completing what she started. As the year ends, she begins to regain sight with confidence, and encouraging words from friends, family and a few fans she picked up along the way. She realizes she enjoys cooking and writing and that was enough to complete her yearlong task.

I watched this movie after church on Sunday and begin to think about my life. I realized that I am in the same position I was in last year before I went off to Atlanta. I was an out of work singer working for Kim Kares and volunteering for the Safety Net foundation. In my frustration, I packed my bags and headed of to the ATL in search of self-fulfillment. Only I left Dallas without completing the tasks at hand. I left not completing my commitment to Kim Kares; I walked out on a play, kept the chapter of the titan open and chuncked the duce at the foundation. I was so focused on my how much I hated Dallas, the titan, and my life I figured moving away would give me a new since of self being self worth and to top it all off I would blog about it. I get to Atlanta only to find myself digging a bigger whole and having to come right back where I stared a year ago. On my travel back to Dallas, I begin to beat myself up and become embarrass. I questioned myself wondering what I could possibly write about now. I mean there’s nothing exciting in Dallas, no more great parties with fabulous bandwagon want to black stars or trendy dates with men who may or may not be gay. My search for the two L’s (record label and love) in the A was over. I felt like a failure, having emotional meltdowns and frustrating fights with God and myself thinking what the hell am I doing. I began to lose sight of my passion and my dream. Little by little, I regained my sight back with confidence, and encouraging words from friends, family, and a few fans I’ve pickup along the way. I love to sing, I love to write and whatever will come of this so be it. Until then my sight is clear on what is set in my heart.

Life can be frustrating in its daily routine. We often question our destiny and purpose wondering where to start. When we find our beginning, we anticipate what the end will bring. In the middle we lose sight due to struggles, hiccups, hang ups and disappointments asking the question “Is it really worth it”, having us want to give up and quite. Just before we go completely blind, we regain sight with faith, courage, strength, and love from friends, family, and a few fans we’ve pickup along the way.

This week regain your sight with simple gifts from God, faith, friends, family and a few fans you’ve picked up along the way. I promise your vision will become as clear as the sky on a sunny day *wink*

*Simply Lola*

Friday, April 9, 2010

"Walk Alone"

The new PJ Morton album was released April 6. The title of his new masterpiece is “Walk Alone”. PJ Morton is an artist that just can’t be placed into a box. He’s a singer, songwriter, and producer. The beautiful thing about his artistry are his lyrics. They are very simple yet very poetic. He is the only male R&B/Neo Soul artist I know that actually writes love songs real love song (Stevie Wonder love songs)without any type, of sexual content. He can make a woman feel so sexy in the most beautiful way. It’s the simplicity of his words and the richness of his delivery that makes his music timeless like a vintage Chanel clutch purse (circuit1954). Many know him as the son of Bishop Paul Morton, and the award-winning writer of “Let of Let God”, but he is so much more. He is a painter of words, giving them new definitions. To read the words “Walk Alone” it is easy to imagine colors of deep darkness, sorrow, and sadness. Oh but Mr. Morton paints pictures using strength, love, compassion, faith, relief and comfort as a visual showing that a “Walk Alone” can be an adventure of a lifetime.

Wednesday the Mavericks proclaimed their victory over the Memphis Grizzles. After the game, I went with friends to celebrate the big win at The Candle Room. My giant friend kept the short jokes coming. He said every short joke he could think of to me, from (how is the weather down there), to “Lola I feel so sorry for you, let me pick you up and show how it feels to be average height”.(just curious, but when has being seven feet tall ever been average height for anyone). When I was place back on common ground (the floor) I looked up at him and said damn, it must be lonely at the top( tragedy) both just laughed at each other. I began to grow a little restless in our assigned V.I.P section and decided to walk around the and check out the unfamiliar place. I “Walked Alone”. After looking around , I realized I was the only black girl in the building. There were quite a few black men and some half-breeds (you know half black and half something else, lol) but I was the only full breed Negro girl (tragedy) The majority of women in the club were white, and every other culture (meaning their hair aint Now the average black woman would have been upset and start protesting the lost of our black men, but not me. I decided to see just what all the hype was about with white woman and black men. I noticed that white women know how to kick it, and they know how to kick it hard. Becky is not concerned with how drunk the other Becky is. The truth be told Becky, Becky, and all the other Beckies are all white girl wasted so it doesn’t matter. Dancing well let just say they get a cardio workout and all partners male or female are welcomed to the dance floor. I mean no rhythm with no cares makes for a damn good time. As I watched the Beckies danced and drink more then their body weight I thought to myself, wow these girls really know how to have a good time. It was as if they had no worries and no problems for the night, that is. I was in aww at their faces of excitement and pure enjoyment. As I headed back to the V.I.P section my two friends were in a security guard took me by the hand and I said:” I just couldn’t let someone as beautiful as you walk alone without the proper escort”. I thought myself: I never get this type of service at the black clubs (lol) I blushed, and said thank you. I spent the rest of my night enjoying being the only black girl getting white girl wasted and dancing with rhythm but no worries, and no problems, well at least for one night.

I walk to the bus stop every morning alone. As I sit alone on the bus and observe interesting stories of peoples lives unread, unheard, and over looked. My bus ride to the foundation is too short to get familiar with every book sitting around me. In a sigh of comfort, I realize that my walk alone isn’t lonely.

Walking alone gives you room to see what you’re missing. Walking alone gives you room to be free enough to enjoy things and people you never thought you would encounter. Finally, to walk alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely, but you’ve made room for a life time of experience and adventure and just when you begin to enjoy yourself, you be properly escorted to your destiny.

This weekend download “Walk Alone”@ by PJ Morton and enjoy a walk alone

Simply Lola

Monday, April 5, 2010

Simply Lola :Why?

Simply Lola :Why?

This weekend was the premiere of Tyler Perry’s Why Did I Get Marry Two. Black folks showed up at the theater as if it was the reelection of President Obama. There were girls night out invitations all over facebook. Both single and married women watch Janet, Jill, and the other two women (yall know yall don’t know their names either) portray charters that match their personality. Some married women went asking the same question as the movie title. Some single women went to see if they should get married, and I went to see few black men half naked on the beach (Hey what can I say, you have your reasons and I have mine…lol). Married men tagged along because if they were going to have any peace of mind for the weekend they had better make their wives happy by making it a date night. Some single men went hoping that at the end of the movie, they may score a coloring session (sex), and other single men went as confirmation just why they are not or will not get married. My thoughts on the movie are, the beginning was just okay. The middle… not bad, great suspense and the actors brought out the best in the roles they played. As far as the ending, well as the gay men on “In Living Color” would say … Hated It. The movie title had a word in it that really stuck out to me. It’s a word that is use to identify a statement as a question. Why?

I moved back to Dallas in hopes of my big management deal making me a star, only to find myself waking up while the stars are still shining riding the bus at 6:52 am volunteering at Roy Williams Safety Net Foundation, I did not leave the A for this sh!t (but I wont complain). I get up at 4:30am and I walk to the YMCA to workout for an hour and a half. I have been working-out for years now. I have been on every damn diet known to man. Now don’t get me wrong I have shed a few pounds and I am happy about that but there is still this one roll of fat the refuses to leave my stomach. For about three years I have been auditioning the National Anthem for various NFL, NBA, and Baseball leagues only to be wait listed. I go to some of the these games and stand for the National Anthem only to hear some off key over weight want to be Diva sing longer than Pattie Labelle, or some band that no one has ever heard of or will hear about singing the Star Spangle Banner. I think to myself (you have got to be f%&king kidding). I mean really this has to be a joke as a singer I am so insulted (tragedy). Date after date after date I go dressing my very best, with good girdle on sucking in my one stomach roll expecting some great connection, amazing attraction, and interesting vibe, maybe a little one on one coloring, only to be pissed and uncomfortable. Here I have wasted a good dress on a disconnection, no attraction, and disturbing vibe with a man that has absolutely nothing to offer me or society itself. My thoughts on coloring with this tragic experience (man) I just can't bare another disappointment therefore I will spare myself the struggle of pulling my girdle off and then back At the end of all of this I ask the question “Why”? Why do I keep putting myself through life's torture, and setting myself up for disturbing disappointments. Most importantly, why haven't I given up?

Insanity is to repeat something over and over expecting a different result. I audition every year only to be wait listed. I always ask if there was something I could do different and the answer is "Oh Lola you sing beautifully but we are just looking for something different"(yeah yeah yeah what else is new). I have read every “how to get a man book” that the law will allow. One book is telling me to be this way and the other book is telling me to be another way …and they say men are simple (I’m so confused) I’ve drawn my conclusion that being myself is so much easier, but after each date so far has had the same result. (tragedy) Just like the married couples in the movie searching for answers to their age old question, I to search to find answers to my age old questions. The answer I have come to terms with is simple, L.O.V.E. I keep auditioning, and dating, and exercising at 29 because of love. I love the fact that there is a possibility that one day I will be able to wear that two-piece swimsuit I bought two years ago. I love the fact that one day just maybe I will be what the Dallas Cowboys, Mavericks, and Rangers are looking for to sing “oh say can you see”. I love the fact that one day I will have a great connection, and amazing attraction with the one guy that’s for me ( hopefully I wont have to wear my girdle when I meet him).

If you feel like you are spinning your wheels and just don’t understand why, remember that love fills your hope, hope drives your faith, and well faith concurs all. Maybe just maybe it is worth all its pain heartache and suffering.

Til Next