Sunday, May 16, 2010
Simply Lola: The Night Before A New Beginning
Dang early morning service was long today. My father preached from Romans 8:28...he started off really good but then I got lost, and then I got bored completely tuning him out and started writing a list of how I will spend my millions. My father preaches with so much passion and conviction but I guess I' m just not spiritually there yet to really understand where he is coming from or what he is talking about for that matter.
I woke up this moring fighting the thoughts of feeling like I am just not good enough. I kept thinking about how I am a horrible speller and just feel like people laugh at me for all my mistakes(Lord knows I have embarassed myself ten to many times). I want to be the golden girl...the girl that everyone likes and adores. I am 29 and just want the popular 15 year old teenage girl (clearly I have no idea why). I wish I were well repsected by my peers. I wish I had this awesome job as Terrance Newmans assistant while working on my music career (he's the only one I know with a strong non-profit foundation that helps children). Ahhhhh....so many wishful thoughts...oh well...we shall see.
Well the day has come to an end. Tomorrow I start the Daniel Fast, 40 days and 40 nights of finding great love ( self love...unconditional love). I'm not gonna lie I would love for the gates of all my dreams to come true to open but for the most part while I am fasting I just want to accept, love, respect, honor, and appreciate myself. No more looking for approval from others. I want to forgive myself for every embarrassing moment, and for every chance of a life time I had but didn't take. I just want to be very happy, pleased, and proud of who I am regardless if anyone ever notices.
I've written down a love list, and dreams I want to see come true, but if none of these things never happen and all I have is what I have, I want to be at peace with that..with my life. Well 4am will be here faster than ever so... I will come to a close tonight. Drink this margirita and then lights out. Tomorrow starts a new beginning and no turning back.
Til Tomorrow (40day start)