My new beginning was suppose to start on Monday. Instead I got sick with a sinus infection. I hate being sick it is the absolute worse. I woke up Tuesday feeling hopeless, worthless, and useless, thinking what is it all for ( I know I'm such a drama queen). Everything I do seems to be an utter disaster. With a sore throat barely able to keep my eyes open I told myself nothing is working ...absolutely nothing seems to be working.
I have sacrificed all that I have for the one thing I love music, and I can't seem to get a break anywhere.Oh sure the adventure seemed great and it is abominable that I've been going after something that I love but I just don't have anything to show for it. I know look at me having a damn piety party for myself (tragedy). I guess the outcome of my life right now would make since if I were on drugs or an alcoholic, maybe if I didn't have a college education,then I can see how my decision landed me with no car, job, and living with my parents( it goes to show the forces of hell will come upon anyone) My decisions were all done based on pursing my passion for the most part I've stayed out of trouble.
I started this blog to keep me on track, help me focus. I thought it would help become comfortable with myself and open doors for me. I know I'm a good person I just don't feel good about myself ( well at least not today). I am doing the best I can to continue to believe in myself and I am struggling. I guess my big question is what is next for me. What am I to do next. I am trying so hard not to give up on me but I'm just having one of those weeks. I know, I know , pray about it...read a scripture or two...then what... I guess I'll feel better. I don't want to just feel better I want to be better, have a better life, not that my life is the worse...but I just want more for myself. I have read all the books and followed all the directions. I even attempted to go on a fast to cleanse myself. I am a good person, and I give to others and yet and still I just feel like that's not good enough. Why can't I get a date beats ( silly me, and my damn love list). Why can't my music get off the ground. I just feel like I don't have anything left to give and I am just over it. It's days and times like these that make staying positive very hard.
The one thing I have that keeps me going right now is the play I'm in "Wrecked but Not Totaled" Interesting name considering I'm a wreck ...and well I'm not dead so I guess I haven't been totaled out completely.
I'm not sure, but maybe someone is reading this blog and feeling the same way but wouldn't dare tell the world...well have no fear you're not alone. I wish I could honestly say everything will better in the morning but I don't know that for sure. All I can say is me and you both will wake up in the morning and find out.
Til Next Week