Finding My Way To Love

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

The Little Girl Inside of Me

Valentines Day has come and gone and I just knew I was going to tell the world about my dream lover. The story would have been great. Picture this, me dancing to a hot song with friends and out of nowhere I am taped on the shoulder by this handsome man, dressed with swag and charm, asking me my name. Well the night went more like this: I was dancing with friends to a hot song and out of no where I was taped on the should by my liberating moment (one nightstand) asking me did I remember him (of course I do we had sex) … and the nightmare begins…lol.

So why didn’t I meet the great man of my dreams. I’m glad you asked, the answer is I have no idea. I am not perfect but who is. I tried to justify my not meeting Mr. Right by lying to myself, but that didn’t work. Here are a few of the lies I told myself

1. Men just can’t handle my independence ( um lola you live with your parents , they filed you as a dependant on their taxes …just exactly where is your independence)
2. Guys are intimidated by me ( hmm, yeah I really put the fear of God in men with my Colgate smile …its so serious, boy I tell ya, you don’t want mess with me buddy…lol)
3. God is still working on him for me ( really…um yeah okay…whatever)
The more I tried to lie to myself the more I realized it was useless. Therefore, I continued to ask more question (brilliant):
1. OMG was the Titan the last man for me.
2. Did I love the Titan so much that I have exhausted the possibility of being able to love again?
3. Did I screw up so bad with the Titan that God just won’t trust me with another man?

The last time I saw the Titian I made a complete ass of myself. I was so nervous and uneasy I had three too many drinks. I was a hot mess. That night will forever be the most embarrassing moment of my life. For some reason as much as I want to let go, the little girl inside of me is waiting for him to come back. She is expecting him to see the good in the person I am. The little girl inside of me is still waiting for him to apologize and love me with all his heart.

I had a little talk with the little girl inside of me on Monday night and said: If I am ever going to move forward, I have to stop waiting for him. I told the little girl inside of me that it was time let the dreams I once had die and to start dreaming new dreams. Tears from every which way began to pour down my face. The little girl inside of me kept asking why and I didn’t have an answer. All I could say is that its okay to feel the love that I have for him. Its okay to miss him, but its not okay to hold me back any more from what I deserve.

I woke up the next morning looking at the stains from the tears that the little girl inside of me left on my face. I took a deep breath and told the little girl inside of me that it was time to put on those big panties and be proud for just getting through the night.

In life you can’t just throw the bags of hurt away, we have close the door and shut the windows that it came through. We have to in some way find closure and comfort in who we are so we can move forward.

Til Next Week

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