Finding My Way To Love

Thursday, September 29, 2011

A Sleepless Night

It was 2:45am the day after my birthday and I was wide awake. I couldn’t sleep. It’s like my mind had taken a life of its own and I tragically surrendered to it. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t have to get up at 6am to cook breakfast, make lunches and get two kids ready for school. The way I’m talking one would think I was in a colorless marriage but I’m not it’s just the day and the life of a nanny. So why was I up so late…beats the heck out of me but I was, watching the Rachel Zoe Project on BRAVO. After about the third episode my thoughts began to sound like the way she talks…. Like, Oh My God, like literally I’m going to die if I don’t go to SLEEP!!!) In as much as I wanted to lie about being unsure as to why I was wide awake I knew exactly the reason for my insomnia. I was up because I’m afraid that if I went to sleep I will wake up still wanting to be anywhere but where I am.

I went on a date with this guy I meant at a place I sang at the night before my birthday. I must say he was a true gentleman, opening both my car door and the front door at the restaurant door for me and even pulling out my chair at the table we were seated at. It was sad that I totally forgot the acts of a gentleman because when he went to pull my seat out at the table I assumed that was the seat he wanted to sit in (lol), and I thought being a gentleman was a lost art to say the least.

As usual on a first date we both talked about where we were from and what brought us to Atlanta. I told him about how I moved back here to help a friend and further my music career. He moved to Atlanta because he got fed up with only making the practice squads of the NFL teams. I found that funny considering we were at a sports bar watching Monday night football (lol). I asked him if he missed playing he said no. He said he felt that he had given the game his all and now it was on to the next faze of his life. I totally agreed with him and explained to him that was how I was feeling about singing. I had spent so much of my life giving to my love of music that I was to exhausted to give anymore. Forgetting that he had already heard me sing he disagreed. He explained that he was very attracted to me because when he saw me sing I appeared confident and posed. He found the way I sang very sexy because I made it look as simple as me breathing and that the way I performed made him want to get to know more about me. Blushing from cheek to cheek I said to myself, and myself said huh, I said no matter how charming this man is I was not coloring with him on the first date, I am too old to have hoe moments (lol). After taking all the compliments I could take I quickly change the subject to fantasy football and told him how people in my league laughed at me for picking Cam Newton for my quarterback. He picked up on me changing the subject and we ended the night by laughing at his stories as a practice squad professional. When he dropped me off at my car he said to me that he could look in my eyes and see how what I love the most had broken my heart and that even though my true passion had given me the blues I should keep going. His words were sweet and so were his lips (lol). The freak in me wanted to attack him in a match of tongue wrestling but I thought “What Would Jesus Do” so instead I thanked him for a great night and gave him a good Christian hug ( my mother will be so proud of me).

In my restless night of tossing and turning while flipping from Rachel Zoe Project to the NFL Network all I could think about was that I’m 31 now and have no idea what the hell is going on with my life. There are days that I worry that I wont get married or even sing professionally. I worry that because I don’t know what’s next for me I’ll make the wrong move putting me in an even worse position and leaving stuck where I am. I know I wont be a nanny for my friend forever but I don’t know what will happen next for me either. My date was right, my dream has broken my heart but there's still more of me to give. I will always be a singer no matter what, that’s just part of who I am. What I do know is all this worrying is only going to give bags under my eyes, and ththats a bad look for a sexy single singer(lol).I can’t keep being afraid to go to sleep because I don’t want to face tomorrow. Therefore I made a “No worries” box and wrote on a small sheet of paper that said "I will not be afraid of what I don’t know and wont where worry bout where I'm going because I can only go up from here.

To my friend that’s having sleepless nights, there’s a simple scripture that says “Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you, Psalms 55:22. After reading these words it’s clear what you and I both have got to do if we’re ever going to sleep.
Till Next Time
Simply Lola

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