Sunday, October 30, 2011
A Hawaiian Vagina Monolog
It’s been awhile since I’ve written about my exciting life. I wish I could say it’s because I’ve just signed my first major deal with Warner Brothers and currently recording huge hits, while finding time to make out with my hot WR boyfriend Calvin Johnson (lol), but that hasn't happen yet (notice I say...yet, lol). The truth is I’ve have been busting my butt working my retail part time job full time so that I can attend my good friend and former college roommate wedding in Hawaii. Let me just say getting to this island wasn’t easy, I have had to beg, borrow and steal hours at work just to make sure I had enough money to eat over priced cheese burgers from McDonald’s. From the time my friend Jocelyn dreamed of the day she’d get married I promised her that I would sing her favorite song “That’s All” by Dorothy Dandridge at her wedding. When I first made this promise I was senior in college with a bright future as a super star ahead of me (lol). Ten years later I’m still fighting for my dream with broke pockets (lol).
I thought paying for the trip was the hard part but clearly it wasn't. Since I knew a lot of my fun would be water related I decided to prepare myself for fun in the sun by getting a Brazilin wax. The only attractive place for hair to be coming out of a woman is on top of her head, anywhere else is just terribly tacky and disgusting (lol). When I arrived for my Brazilin waxing appointment I was greeted by a rude older Asian woman who gave me two to three word directions like, you sit, you lay down, you open, you breath. Being that is was my first time I insisted on asking a few questions before she got started. I politely said excuse me ma'am but if you don't mind there are few things I'd like to ask before you get started. Giving me the "annoyed, what you want to know” stare , she says with an old Asian lady attitude, yes. I asked her how hot was the wax, and how painful is this procedure. She responds by saying; wax not too hot, and hurt just a little bit, but boyfriend will like it. I smiled and said; oh I don't have a boy friend I'm going to Hawaii. She says; oh, show boy you like and he will like you and be boyfriend for you. I'm thinking to myself, you mean to tell me all I have to do is flash my bare vagina to a boy I like, and that will seal the deal on a boyfriend (lol) I think I’ve shown my tail to enough men to know that clearly doesn't work (lol). Anyway I laid down on the table and spread my legs. The mean old Asian applied the wax on my private parts and next thing I know she says; take deep breath, and proceeds to rips. I jumped up so fast gasping for air, praying Oh Jesus, please keep me near the cross. I really wanted to just get up and run out the spa, but I figured nobody wants to say a woman running down the street with a half waxed vagina (lol). So I laid back down and took another deep breath and bared the pain of yet another dreadful rip. When she finished she gave me a mirror and said; see look, you like, look sexy. Still taken back by the pain I just smiled, put my panties back on headed home.
When l told my grandmother about my painful experience she said; you know shouldn't take all the hair from down there because ya coochy could catch a cold and get to coughing...(clearly I have no idea what that means). She said that’s what its down there for to keep it warm. Unsure of where she was going with her theory I decided to just end the whole conversation altogether. I did however tell my grandmother that the rude Asian old lady told me if I show a boy my Brazilian wax he will like me. Of course she had to respond, telling me; don't go flashing ya tail to those men down there. You don't what know what they got that will kill you. She instructed me to keep my legs close, don't swim out to far from the shore, and leave the Hawaiian folk alone cause aint nobody got no money to come find me if I come up missing.
Hawaii was nice and the wedding was absolutely beautiful and very expensive. The beaches were peaceful and so pretty. The men were nice but I followed my granny’s orders and kept my legs closed (lol). I did however feel a little breeze around my private area whenever the wind blew...paranoid by what grandmother said I quietly prayed that my coochy wouldn't catch a cold or start to cough (lol).
To my friend who is thinking about going to Hawaii, I say go but keep your legs close, don't swim out to far from the shore, and leave the Hawaiian folk alone cause aint nobody got no money to come find you if you come up missing. As far as Brazilin waxing…well it’s painful but worth it. I’m not sure if it’s a man magnet but who knows maybe when I find a boy I like I flash my tail and see if the old Asian’s lady theory works rather do what i granny has instructed me to do.
Till Next Time