Finding My Way To Love

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Holding My Confidence Hostage

When the question is asked to a man “What makes a woman sexy?” a variety of answers are thrown into the atmosphere. Some suggest sexy is a natural beauty wearing very little too no makeup. An old man on the bus once told me his old lady got the pretties damn hairy legs he had ever seen (lol). There are men that love women with long curly hair while other men find a bold short hair cut stands undeniably sexy. It’s obvious that the preference for a man varies but there is one thing that all men love more than anything and that is the way a woman wears her confidence.

For the past week or so I have been doing a lot of day dreaming about this guy I’ve only met a few times. I found myself day dreaming so much I asked my friend Tish if it were normal to be so involved with my imagination. She told me that it was perfectly normal and that three years prior to her meeting her fiancé she would lie in her bed envisioning him, from how he looked to how he dressed, she would even think about different fights that they would have. I was relieved that I wasn’t the only person who had a secret obsession with someone who I barely knew and didn’t need to be committed to the physic ward (lol). Later in the week we had dinner just to catch up and she insisted I tell her all about my dream lover, so I did. I talked with excitement about how he loves me and how everything moves fast but the timing is right. I told her how he thinks I’m funny, loves me for me and he is very secure in our relationship. Tish was listening like a good friend should, encouraging me that he will come just as I have envisioned him. I agreed with a smile but the truth is that in as much as I feel the love of this man I have briefly met a few times, I’m just not confident that I will be what he wants ( I know, I’ve just contradicted my day dream). For some reason as soon as I am out of my fantasy I start thinking of all the reasons why I just may not be good enough for him. It’s mostly thoughts of past mistakes and things I can’t change, yet I still beat myself up about them. It’s as if I’m hold what’s most beautiful about me hostage.

Rejection is part of life but no matter how many times I have been rejected it has never gotten easier. It’s never been something I could get use too. It seems as though with every dismissal, I hold on to the devastation. I somehow have buried the beauty of myself under a lot of hurt and heartache. I question how someone can love someone that has been rejected so much. I’ve somehow convinced myself that I’m not likeable because my past loves didn’t like me but I never thought about if I liked me…hmm …do I like me? I wasn’t sure, so I made a list of all my good and all my bad. I put that I was funny, and loyal on the good side. I put things like I bite my nails,I'm a terrible speller I have this one roll around my stomach I can’t seem get rid of and I tend to talk a lot. I even wrote on the bad side about the time I lied and told the Titan I was deathly ill just to get his attention (not so good). The more I started to see that I wasn’t so bad and I was worth loving the lover in my day dream. Then it hit me I’ve been holding who I am hostage in fear. Fear that my silly flaws would out shine the great things about me.

The man I day dream about is a man that I have met a few times but I have manage to embarrass myself in front of him some kind of way every time. The last time I saw him it was at a party with open bar and I kindly took his drink out of his hand drank what I thought was alcohol but turned out to be much needed water (lol). To be honest I don’t even know if this guy actually is anything like I’ve created him to be because I don’t know him well enough to draw the conclusion. What I do know is that whether this guy is my Mr. Right or not I don’t want keep myself from whomever maybe just for me.

We often hold our confidence hostage because we are not comfortable with our past. Listen my friend I have done some pretty dumb things all in the name of love. Confidence isn’t perfection. Confidence is owning up to everything in your life and then just saying “Damnit this is me…this is who I am. The past isn’t who you are nor is it who I am. It’s simply part of what makes us great. The more we (you and I) hold on to what hurts the deeper we bury the precious treasures of what makes us who we are. I don’t know the day or time that my day dreamer and I will meet again but when it happens I will be wear my very sexy confidence.

Till Next Time
Simply Lola

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