Monday, February 28, 2011
Letting Go Of The Titan
It's been a whole month sense I've talked or called the Titan. I'm proud of myself for resisting the temptation of yielding to the desire of imaginative coloring. At the same time, I'm a little sad that its over. I can't lie and say I don't think about him because I do all the time (he's inspired so many songs I've written). I wish I could some how in some type of way right my wrongs with him and start all over. It's not easy letting go but its necessary if I am going to make myself available for true, passionate love. When I find myself thinking of him I quickly start to fantasize over Shaun Phillips asking me to have dinner with him at the sexist restaurant in New York ...lol (its all about transferring my energy...don't judge me). I know with my not contacting him and he not contacting me it's a big step forward. Plus the distance is an even bigger help ( in secret, he was one of my reasons for moving). I know there will come a day when he wont be who I miss, or ever want to kiss any more. I know that day will come someday, one day soon(pause....deep sigh). This is going to sound so crazy but what I miss most is what I never had with him. Like us being very close, or trusting each other. I miss him loving me, and us both wanting the same thing (only to be with each other). These are all the of things I miss and yet never experienced them with him. I still talk about him often but not as much as I use to and that is great news. I'm letting go, one day at a time
Closing the chapter of the Titan is hard but in the end will be worth it. As I stop fighting the war of love with my warrior, I hold on to the lessons I learned while in battle. Like:
1) The game of football ( I am so addicted to the pig skin, now my father wont watch Monday night football with me anymore...lol)
2) That after eating, drinking coffee helps to digest food ( although I wouldn't advise anyone to do this on a date, what you smell like after dinner on the first date can be a disaster)
3) Sleep/ rest is needed when workingout( yeah, still got to figure out how to go to sleep, but now at least I know its good for me...lol)
4) Two people driving one car at the same time going up the ramp of 75north is so much fun and very sexy...but OMG...it's Dangerous! (my mothers prayers are activated in these type of ungodly situations)
5)Preparation makes for a great performance
6) To trust myself, when others doubt my talent
7) Focus! Focus, Focus, Focus
With my lessons learned I know I'm not only a great woman, but an even better performer. Life lessons are most valuable for personal growth. I must say it feels really good not to hate him anymore. I no longer wish for him to burn in hell or become a national embarrassment. I do wish him the best but not ready to hear about him loving someone else (I'm not there yet). I'd like to still believe that at night when he closes his eyes my voice is what he longs to hear, and that its me he wants in his arms but can't have(hey a girl can dream...lol). Like I said one day at a time, I'm taking it one day at a time.
To my friend that is in the process of letting go. Its hard but not impossible. There will come a time where you have to just bite the bullet, rip the damn bandage off the wound and let the air hit it. Sometimes you'll even stand in the mirror looking at the pain, remembering the hurt. You'll hate them for what they did to you, but one day you'll stop playing the victim and thank them for the lessons you could have only learned from them. When that day comes you'll notice you're broken heart healing, giving you the freedom to love again.
Till Next Time