Finding My Way To Love

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

In The Middle of Moving Forward

I’m back in Atlanta and I have no clue what to do next. And what I mean by “ I have no clue what to do next” is my schedule date to move to New York has been pushed back yet again. My friend that I  am making the drive with is on dialysis for his kidneys was informed that the center that he would be receiving treatment from doesn’t have a bed for him just yet and the place that I will be living isn't all the way ready. This move to New York has become more frustrating than fun. It’s like one thing after another which is making me question if this is something I should do. I kind of feel like I’m so accustom to doing things the HARD way that anything EASY is something I don’t trust (which could be a major problem in my thought process). I feel like I’m right in the middle of moving forward which is putting me at a stand still. Being in the middle of moving forward I stop to look both ways. I look at what lies ahead and then I look back at what is familiar and safe. As I look in both directions I question what to do. Do I move forward (New York) unsure of what will happen or do I go back (Dallas) to where it’s safe.
Before I left home a few weeks ago, my dad came in my bedroom and gave me a hug so tight th at it said everything without words,I could feel his thoughts. His hug said, Tisa I don’t want you to go, I don’t understand why you have to go but either way I love you, and believe in you, and I support you. Before he released me from his arms he whispered a prayer. He thanked God for me and asked him to protect me and make all my dreams come true ( You hear that  God, thou shall make me a Super Star Recording Artist  and Detroit Lions WR Calvin Johnson my baby daddy but i'll settle for my boyfriend, lol).   Just writing this brings tears to my eyes. To make light of our sappy farewell I told my dad not to worry I will be just fine I know how to scream stranger danger. He didn’t laugh so I guess it was a bad joke. My mom carried me to my sister’s school because she would be taking to the airport. And on the way to my sister's my sweet, sweet mother gave me an ear of do’s and don’ts. Do this and don’t do that, make sure I buy two good church dress (um, not sure what that has to do with anything), and don’t sell my soul to the devil (yes mom I'll do my best). In as much as I was annoyed by her sermon of “Lola Natisa Wilson thou shall do and not do”, I listened because I knew everything she was saying to me was coming from a place of love. My sister has so much going on she just dropped me off and said she loved me....short, sweet, and simple.
On my plane ride I thought about how I am the queen of set backs and delays.Everytime I feel like I am making great strides it never fails I am somehow hit with a huge set back. Having to experience setback after setbback and delay after delay I often wonder why I haven't thrown up my hands and said FUCK IT!!! I QUIT. The crazy thing about true passion andstrong desires is that no matter what I can never seem to walk away. It's like if I were to walk away from what I really want for myself I'd be walking away from who I am. I feel like I am in the middle of moving forward but at least I am moving forward and not backward. 
I remember what I heard Kirk Franklin once say... A delayed prayer isn't a denined prayer ( not sure if that was his exact words, close enough) . As I wait for things that are out of my control come together. I'll go back to Dallas for a few weeks and get my ducks in a row and continue to move forward. In all that is going on I feel like my faith is being tested and this time I will pass this test with confidence.
If you're standing in the middle of moving forward know that everything, I mean everything will work out. Please don't worry about what will happen, when it will happen or even how it will happen.  Just know it will happen. Believe it, Know it, and Own it

Til Next Time
Simply Lola

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