Finding My Way To Love

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

When Love Sucks

Love sucks! My heart wants to love an ass. What kills me is my brain is well aware that my heart’s love is not what I need in my life. For some strange reason my heart is determine to believe in the possibility of an impossible man. I believe the artist formally known as “Prince” has felt the very same way I am feeling now. This why I keep “I Hate You Because I love You” on repeat. My heart’s love is the never ending cycle of emotional term oil. My poor heart loves as if the past was never a reality. I know, I know, you’re probably reading and thinking Lola when are you just going to move on (funny I ask myself the same thing). I just don’t understand how in my love recovery how I can take two steps forward, only finding myself taking 10 steps back.

Sunday night I was unable to sleep and decided to tag along with my friends Daylon and T-White to a party at Club Plush. Being that it was a victory win for the Dallas Cowboys and Tashard Choice birthday I figured the crowd would be a black man’s heaven and a single black woman’s hell. To say the least there was enough groupie love to go around for all male attendees and one cat fight after another due to the male shortage. As for me I played it cool and watched the madness from a distance. Before entering a single woman’s hell, I prepared myself for any surprising run ins with the Titan. I told myself he’s just an accidental heart breaking crash that you’re successfully recovering from. This little peep talk was comforting until the doors open and we walked in onto the overcrowded dance floor. There he was dark chocolate, wearing a summer yellow polo sweater over a starched white collar shirt (Shit). The thing is he was supposed to look like the country boy I met three years ago from Georgia, not like the NFL sexiest man alive. Any way as we spoke and as I position myself to give him a Christian church hug he leans into me making for a “Oh Lola I’ve missed you hug” attempting to excite my private parts (damnit). He asked if I wanted a drink but I declined only to have him insist that we engage in just having one shot of patron. Since we’ve talked briefly prior too our run in I agreed on ONE shot. Standing at the bar while waiting on the star struck bar tendered, the Titans leans over and tells me how he appreciates my genuine concern during a rocky year. I told him he was welcomed and prayed that the bar tendered would stop drooling and hurry up with our damn drinks. As I took my glass saying thank you, out of nowhere the Titan leans over and says: I know you hate me but I love you. WHAT! Really he can’t be serious. I took a deep breath smiled and walked away. I couldn’t walk away fast enough. Just where the hell does he come off saying something like that. All this time I have been loving him and he…he has just been loving my revolving door that I can’t seem to keep the dead bolt on. Later that night I thought about those words and was unable to sleep.

I love the Titan like my life depends on it and I have no idea why. Days have passed and neither one of us have talked about it. I haven’t called because I just don’t want to face disappointment hoping like magic there‘s a happy ending to us being happily ever after. All I know is I leave Dallas in a few weeks and when I leave I’m leaving the past behind me, including him. I own my feelings and accepting where I am today with my hearts love for him. I won’t allow the unknown to control me. I don’t know what will come of the love the Titan spoke of. At this time I can only feed the love I have for me. What will be, will be with whomever it may be with

Til Next Time

No comments: