Finding My Way To Love

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Simply Lola : A Love Transfer

It is the beginning of spring and as a Baptist I have decided to take part in the Catholic faith and observe lent. For lent this year I have given up alcohol. I thought about giving up food but I rarely eat and now with this new trainer I have at the YMCA I have to eat 5 small meals a day and I can no longer have soda if I want to get into this two piece swim suite by April 14(Mexico here I come) Lastly its been 5 months since I‘ve "colored" (sex). Okay recap, no sex, no alcohol, and no soda, what do I do. What am I suppose to do with all the energy I used for sex, happy hours and parties. It is said that energy is never lost but only transferred. So I transferred all my energy of happy hangovers and exciting orgasms to rehearsing for the up and coming play I’m in “Wreck but not Totaled, preparing for my showcase March 28th at the House of Blues, and organizing a community service clothing drive for my friend Tish grandmother who runs an orphanage in Haiti. Never the less a good Long Island Ice Tea after a long day is still something I miss and oh how I long to color with someone who never stays inside the lines and uses every color in his box (lol)…YES YES YES!!!!…sorry I got caught up in my sexual imagination…lol but I’m back and focus.

Ever since Sex and The City went off the air I have become a fan of Grey’s Anatomy. While watching my favorite show last Thursday I received a call from the Titan. Grey’s Anatomy is a very important show to me so I didn’t answer. A few minutes later I received a text from him saying : ( WOW) I wasn’t sure exactly what he was talking about and since I have to be at the gym by 4:30am I felt it was best to go to bed and not respond. The next morning I woke up and realized just what he was talking about, my blog. Confused because the last time we talked he made it clear that he does not care about me and is not concerned about me. Many questions circled my brain, like how is he getting my blog we’re not face book friends, I don’t know his friends and he doesn’t know mine. I never returned his call or responded to his text. Its crazy because just one phone call and one text message sent me back to a place I thought I would never go to again with him. I always thought that if I found out the truth with the Titan that would be my closure, but knowing the truth just opened the door to more questions to the coequal,. “Loving the Warrior“.

The Titan and I had bond that was very different from anything I experienced. There were never extravagant gifts, or shopping sprees, or even fine dinning it was just us. Don’t get me wrong we hung out a lot. We had things in common both our fathers are ministers. A lot of our conversations were about spiritually growing and our relationship with God. He once told me after his run on the field he was going to become a minister, because he felt he had been called to preach. I always wanted to show him that I believed in him. I never had much money but even when I was in Atlanta with no car having to ride the bus to work I made sure he got a birthday card. What I loved about us is when we talked, we would talk for hours. I will never forget once when I had a bad day he called , we played name that UGK song. In the oddest ways we had fun. I found myself once again only thinking of him. I’m not sure if our bond was ever really real to him. Having all this love I have for him and knowing he wont receive it, I wonder what do I do with it. I picked up a pen and began to write. I used words that painted the picture of my undying love for him. The more I wrote the clearer I began to see, think and feel. I simply transferred my heartache, and vulnerable loving energy into songs. I stopped wondering if he loved or ever loved me. I stop thinking about if he ever really cared, and accepted that I may never know how he feels. I turned my obsession of curiosity into beautiful music.

Love is an energy, its never lost it is simply transferred to someone or to something else. For me the something is music. I think about how much I love the Titan and how hard I loved the Titan and I realized I don’t think I’ve ever loved myself as much as I loved him. Realizing the love I have for him will never go away I made a decision to just transfer all the love I have for him to me. My heart may not be able to help who I love, but I can help how I deal with it.
We all have love filled with energy and for some of us we are waiting for someone or something to share what we feel. This week don’t wait to share your feelings of love simply transfer it to yourself. Love you like you’ve never loved you before.

Til next week

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