Finding My Way To Love

Monday, March 28, 2011

Dating & Auditioning

In the world of dating both parties are auditioning for the part known as “the one”. “The one” can be a long list of things. Like “the one” who you will agree to go on a second date with. It can also mean “the one” (guy/ girl) you unfriend on facebook, unfollow on twitter and put a restraining order on because you realize you just met CRAZY. I casted the Titan as “The Love Of My Life” and he gave me the reoccurring role known as the “Jump off”. In as much as I hate to admit it, it’s the truth. Each time we’d end a scene with each other, I would somehow return as the “Jump Off” hoping that my performance would be good enough to land the part as his “One and Only Love”. Sad to say, it never happened. Every date I bring myself to go on I always hope for this to be it, for the spark to flame, and for him to be that one guy I will forever date as my husband and me as his wife. So far I’m not having much luck. Andre 3000 said it best: All the world is a stage we’re just actors playing different parts (I ‘m sure I am quoting him wrong...very wrong).

There was an audition to be an act at the Essence Music Festival in New Orleans this year. Confident, I woke up early Sunday morning and manage to be the first person in line for the audition. I have auditioned for hundreds of shows and I was pretty sure that I would do well. When I went in for my audition I sang “Saving All My Love” by Whitney Houston ( I know this song like the back of my hand, and can sing like no other). As I was singing my voice started to go out. The next thing I noticed that there was no sound coming out. I was so embarrassed and knew I had totally bombed the audition. I was so frustrated, it was just a few weeks ago that I manage to rock an entire strip club unprepared and here I am prepared and I totally screwed up. I didn’t tell my friends because I didn’t want to answer a hundred questions asking me why, nor did I want some generic advice. I just went home and crawled back into bed wishing the whole day had never happen. All I wanted to do was do well enough to get to the second round. I didn’t even manage to do that (I am way too old to make mistakes like this). Being the dramatic woman that I am I laid in my bed and cried. I thought about how I’ve worked so hard and I have yet to see the fruits of my labor. While wallowing in my sorrow I receive a call from a friend from Dallas who was visiting Atlanta. She was catching a late flight and wanted to know if we could meet up. I really wasn’t up to it and I explained why. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and so I went over to where she was staying and told her about my tragic day. I was prepared for her to ask me a hundred questions but she didn’t. She asked me if I wanted a drink I told her that I had given up liquor for lent, and she said well let’s have a joint … WEED!?!?!?, I thought? I don’t smoke. Her response was; look, you need something. We laughed and for the second time in my life I smoked (don’t judge me). As we smoked I thought about the “what if’s”…what if I get so high I can’t come down, or what if the neighbors smell the weed call the police and we go to jail (Dear God, I’m too cute to go to jail), what if I enjoy this so much that I become addicted to it and it opens the flood gates to other drugs, then I’ll have to move back home and my mother will be so ashamed of me, my smile is my thing and teeth are the first thing you lose as a crack head. I’d never marry Shaun Phillips and I would be the crack head aunt that my niece and nephew laugh about. In the midst of my panic attack I manage to calm down, enjoy my high and vowed to never do this mess again (lol).

Dating and auditioning are exhausting. Each date I hope that I can cast the man I’m having dinner with as the man of my dreams and he cast me as the woman of his dreams. So far I’m just dating with dreams. It’s the same with auditioning. Each audition I go on I pray Dear God, please let this be the one, the one audition that gets me my big break. I don’t know maybe Jocelyn was right, life is hard and we don’t get what we want. If she is remotely right why do I still believe in a life that I may never have? After my pity party I went home and went to sleep. I woke up the next morning, went to the gym and realized shit happens. Even at 30 I am going to make huge mistakes in auditions, and some dates may not end in holy matrimony. But it’s a new day and I am sticking with plan A, even with all its mistakes and frustrations.

To my friend that is feeling like an absolute failure and just is not sure if dreaming and believing is worth all the heartache, please know that we both will never know if we give up now. We ( meaning you and I ) decided to stick with plan A and believe in true passionate, crazy love ( hoping mine comes in the package of Shaun Phillips…lol) and therefore we just have to embrace our struggle til the bitter end.

Till Next Time
Simply Lola


Anonymous said...

The tone of your blogs bleed with sadness. My heart cries for you.

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